Well, I don't think he handled this well, but it all sounds pretty legit. He should have told you he was communicating with her for closure. Hiding it from you seems unfair, but he probably figured you'd get upset. Now that you've found out, keeping it a secret has just made things worse. It looks shady now, when he could have been straight up with you about his guilt over the break-up.
Did he hide the fact that he's married so that his ex would talk to him? If so, that seems a bit much. Does he tell her he loves her in the texts, or do you mean he told you that he once loved her? There's a huge difference between saying he was once in love with her and writing "I still love you" in a text.
We all have baggage. He was carrying around guilt over this relationship and needed to let it go. Would it have been more mature to tell you about it and ask your opinion before texting her behind your back? Yes. Should he have deleted her phone number? Probably. But if letting go of his past is going to help your marriage, a few texts seems better than secretly meeting with her for dinner at that romantic Italian place by the Econo Lodge.
Whether we like it or not, sometimes past relationships come back. These days it is far too easy to communicate with an ex. (Facebook should just rename itself "The Ex File.") Is it healthy to reopen old wounds? Perhaps it's what he needs to assuage his guilt.
Try not to worry. Do you have any other proof that he's cheating? He sounds like a decent guy with a conscious who needed some closure. Stop reading his texts. It's unhealthy. Tell him that you don't like that he went behind your back, but you trust him that their communication is over. I think it's reasonable to ask him to not communicate with her anymore now that the bad blood has cleared. Do they want to be friends? That seems dicey if they had a rough break-up. Too much baggage. Now that he's apologized and made peace, they should both move on and say goodbye for good.
Did he hide the fact that he's married so that his ex would talk to him? If so, that seems a bit much. Does he tell her he loves her in the texts, or do you mean he told you that he once loved her? There's a huge difference between saying he was once in love with her and writing "I still love you" in a text.
We all have baggage. He was carrying around guilt over this relationship and needed to let it go. Would it have been more mature to tell you about it and ask your opinion before texting her behind your back? Yes. Should he have deleted her phone number? Probably. But if letting go of his past is going to help your marriage, a few texts seems better than secretly meeting with her for dinner at that romantic Italian place by the Econo Lodge.
Whether we like it or not, sometimes past relationships come back. These days it is far too easy to communicate with an ex. (Facebook should just rename itself "The Ex File.") Is it healthy to reopen old wounds? Perhaps it's what he needs to assuage his guilt.
Try not to worry. Do you have any other proof that he's cheating? He sounds like a decent guy with a conscious who needed some closure. Stop reading his texts. It's unhealthy. Tell him that you don't like that he went behind your back, but you trust him that their communication is over. I think it's reasonable to ask him to not communicate with her anymore now that the bad blood has cleared. Do they want to be friends? That seems dicey if they had a rough break-up. Too much baggage. Now that he's apologized and made peace, they should both move on and say goodbye for good.
I'm sorry Nick, but this is bullshit. He should not need her forgiveness, or anything of that sort, to move on. He's married now, and the fact that he's hiding both the communication with his ex from his wife, AND that he's married from the ex is really sketchy and mean to both of them. It's terrible that he felt the need to hide this from his wife, and if I were her, he'd be in MAJOR trouble.
In general, needing "closure" or "forgiveness" is complete bullshit. Stuff happens, and people break up. It wasn't meant to be. Move on.
AGREED. The part where he couldn't tell his ex he was married isn't a huge red flag ot you Nick?? He's up to no good. Any time when a guy has some weird reason for why he hasn't filled in other women that he's with his gf/fiancee/wife he's probably cheating.
I don't know if I agree with that. It's definitely a bad move, but it doesn't automatically mean he's going to cheat. Just because he was thoughtless and inconsiderate of his wife's feelings doesn't mean he's cheating. If his goal was to assuage his own guilt, he's going to do whatever it takes to get his ex to read his text. It's deceitful, but we can't just assume he's cheating on her.
Yes, it is super wrong not to mention that he's married. That's the worst part of the whole thing.
There is such a thing as emotional cheating....
Telling an ex he's sorry for his past is cheating? We don't know that he said more than that. If he said "I love you" in the texts, that's a different story.
I see what you're saying, and I don't mean he should get off scott-free. Like I said, he handled this badly. But is this a dealbreaker for her marriage? Is this the same as cheating? I don't think so.
We don't know all the facts. He messed up, certainly. But if he's trying to make up for the mistakes in his past and move forward, it isn't far to say he flat out shouldn't contact his ex.
But, yes, he should have talked to his wife about it beforehand. He definitely didn't handle this well.
No, I don't think it's a deal breaker for their marriage. However, what he did was a violation of trust, whether he cheated or not (which WOULD be a deal breaker, for me at least; I don't believe in second chances with crap like that). Also, he said he loved his ex. Assuming he said that in the text messages he sent her, that is reason to be suspicious in my book. Not only that, but it's very hurtful to his wife.
I'm sorry but I just had to comment on this because it sounds so similar to my situation. I recently had an ex-contact me wanting to apologize & "just be friends". Then I received a drunken phone call at 2AM during which he started telling me all kinds of crazy things. He told me how much he loved me & wanted to be with me...how he thought of me all the time and that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. He then started to get a little more graphic, describing "what is going to happen". Nothing stopped his rant. Not the fact that he had a wife & a little girl, nor that I had a boyfriend. I had to hang up on him. When he finally got the courage to call me back a few days later I asked him not to contact me again, but I know he will. He seems to do it on a yearly basis (I don't think his wife knows he does this). I'm not saying that this situation is the same, but just be forewarned....
God, that sounds like my husband. I'm actually not sure that wasn't him. What was his name?
I'm kind of dumbfounded right now. This guy told his ex that HE LOVES HER. That, along with the whole going-behind-his-wife's-back thing, qualifies as emotional cheating in my book. Again, I'm not going to say they should get a divorce over it...but I'm amazed that Nick (of all people) cut him so much slack, and that the question-asked doesn't seem more hurt. There are few things I can think of that are that hurtful.
I'm not cutting him slack. He f--ed up. Big time. I'm saying talk through it, tell him you're hurt and ask him not to contact her again. I just don't think it's a total dealbreaker. But then I've never been married...
In a way...Technology is a total mind fuck... We didn't have this problem in the 90's...If a guy did that, he'd literally have to have gone behind your back.. Now with texting, facebook, and emails, its just a floodgate for fucking unscrupulous shit.....God damn I wanna go back ;_____;
I agree with that. It is far too easy to reconnect with exes and opens up too many potential floodgates.
I think I would be more upset about the deceit than about communicating with the ex. If you're over the age of twelve, you've probably loved and lost before (even if it was a completely one-sided crush). But to have your husband, who's supposed to love, honor, and cherish you, not only lie about being married, but also not tell his wife about the texts is incredibly hurtful behavior. Sure, we all have a past; we all have baggage. We may even love someone else while married, but that doesn't mean it has to be acted on.
They are your ex for a reason. They may be very good people, but not good people for you. And something like this is just a ripe plum for an affair.
If he doesn't immediately cut off contact with this person after this, I'd seriously question if I wanted to remain married to this person. Too harsh?
Read some of Michael Swaim's posts. He's a goof, no doubt, but this man ADORES his wife and I'm convinced he'd rather chew off his own arm than hurt her. Some of his stuff has made me cry, it was that moving. His wife is one lucky lady.
Anyways, talk to him. Maybe you two can work it out. If not, or if he just gives you excuses, it could be time to separate for a while.
Good luck.
Some married couples get through affairs, so I think they can survive a few texts to his ex apologizing for treating her badly. If not, it's not a very stable marriage to begin with.
Again, we don't know the whole story. If he's texting her right now saying he still loves her, that's a different story. But maybe he hates the way he treated her and wants to apologize. Maybe she needs the closure.
Clearly he didn't handle it well, and it does raise suspicions. The whole not mentioning he's married thing is pretty messed up. But aren't we overreacting a bit here? Are we saying he should have zero contact with his ex? It's not like he went to meet her and they fooled around and that was his closure.
I agree, it was a crappy way to go about it. It was disrespectful, and a bit shady. But if it's over now, if he needed to apologize to her and won't have anymore contact, it seems like something they can work through.
You're absolutely right, Nick, some people do work things out, even affairs are not necessarily the end of the relationship. But it's not the fact that he sought closure, it's how he did it. He could have informed his wife that he was doing so, or even involved her in some way.
Even if nothing happened, it certainly doesn't look very innocent. If he cuts out the sneaky stuff, I think this is definitely something they can work through. But if he can't, or won't, she'll have to decide whether to tolerate it or leave him.
You're also right in that we don't know the whole story. There are always two sides to every story. However, I am also aware of human nature. If he meets his ex, and still has feelings for her, it's going to be very hard to resist getting together, "for old time's sake" or whatever, and before you know it, one thing could lead to another. I'm not saying it will, but it could. All I'm saying is that it's better not to put yourself in such a position unless you're sure you've moved on, especially if you're in a relationship with someone else. People get back with their exes all the time.
If it was just a one-time thing, and he is over his ex, then I think that it can be worked through.
For never having been married before, Nick, I think you had a sound answer. Situations are never really black or white - there are grey areas where two people have to really look at themselves and their relationship and decide which battles are worth fighting, or losing a marriage over. I was married for 20 years (knew him 8 years prior to the marriage but it had been rocky even while dating), it ended last year due to his cheating with an "old love he always wanted but never had". I tried to find the proof I needed to convince myself long and hard that it was over for me, and then I found it - a draft of a note he'd written to her telling her she had been the only one he'd ever loved. A kick in the gut? Yeah. But I knew it was over for me right then & there. I thought I would never forgive him, and although I have trouble calling it forgiveness, I have peace knowing we're both better off now. I hope the gal who wrote the question will get the chance to clear the air with her husband. I wouldn't say they are at 'deal breaker point' yet, but they do need to talk. I'm sending hopeful, warm thoughts her way.
I think the red flag here is why the ex would refuse to talk to him if she knew he was married. As long as he's not flaunting his relationship in her face and he tells the truth, I don't see why anyone would do that. The only thing I can think of is that he's pretending to be single so his ex would want to get back together with him i.e. cheating.
I find it really offensive he told you WIFE that he had to act like he was single so his EX would talk to him. Really???? That right there is horrible. Guess what you are married! So if she woudlnt talk to you then so be it .. that means she has our own closure and didnt need to hear from you! Right? This seems to be more of his own selfish wants ...and to tell her I love you? I am sorry I dont care if it meant as a friend or anything ... you two are married and she should not be involved in anything... If i was the wife I would make him explain to the ex that he is married and not to contact one another again...also.... we always say not to look at the texts but if she didnt ... she would NEVER know this happened...and who knows what else would have went down. Also on another note.... facebook and texting and social networking really is killing relationships but it just goes to show humans are selfish and pathetic .
As much as I complain about social networking, there are some good aspects to being able to communicate with it. People have been cheating wayyy before FB and texts. If anything it contributes to the paranoia of it all.. But yeah.. If my husband contacted an ex, I'd have his balls roasting over an open flame.
Definitely keep reading his texts. What bullshit. How does she not know about you if you and he are now married?
The rest of it could be legit. But the not knowing about the marriage is a bit hard to believe.
I think he is cheating. Me nd my bf has been dating a month and he talks bad bout me to this girls so I made him delete there numbers but there is one he works wit I found a conversation from so I deleted her number again I dnt get along wit girls never have nd never will cuz a lot of then r whores nd dnt give a fuck. I just wish he would quit txting them or I can be in this relationship I mean I love him so much. I'm just getting tird of the bullshit he needs to choose between me or the little whores tats how its gonna work
excessive book you've land
I Hate His/Her Ex is a book for anyone having difficulty coming to terms with their partner’s past relationships - brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores - Download from Amazon or buy it on paperback!
Keep reading his texts. My husband talks to his ex wife every day. They have a son. That's fine. That I understand. But he goes to lunch with her at least once a month!! And he's even still on her insurance!!!! Unbelievable, huh? She also wants home to drive the two of them to the eye doctor. Real fucking cute...keep reading his shit. Otherwise you're going to look like a fool. Anybody have any advice for my dumb ass?
Keep reading his texts. My husband talks to his ex wife every day. They have a son. That's fine. That I understand. But he goes to lunch with her at least once a month!! And he's even still on her insurance!!!! Unbelievable, huh? She also wants home to drive the two of them to the eye doctor. Real fucking cute...keep reading his shit. Otherwise you're going to look like a fool. Anybody have any advice for my dumb ass?
Three weeks ago my Husband broke up with me. it all started when I Travel to UK to spend my holiday with my Uncle, I was trying to contact him but it was not going through. So when I came back from UK I saw him with a lady kissing in his bed room, I was frustrated and it gives me sleepless night. I called my friend told her what happened and she introduce me to a spell cater who helped her long time ago. And I contact him and I never believed that the spell will work so easily because I don't believe in spell or anything called magical because I have contacted many spell casters to get him back all they do is to take my money with no result. I am happy to tell you that my Husband is back and committed to me alone and he do whatever I ask him to do with love and care. All thanks to spirituallove@hotmail.com the great magician who helped me to restore my Husband to me. I am Lina Peter.
Heres the scoop-MY husband (supposed LOVE of my life who I left another province (2 kids and a husband for) to come back to (childhood love), I caught SEXTING his ex of 8 yrs (and they were gonna "Hook up" and "make plans" and be "F" buddies", he has chalked it all up to "talk" and he was "never gona meet her". I discovered this stuff on his birthday (on FB) Aug 14th.. he of course (in the true nature of a man) deleted these facebook chats off his phone (not recalling that any semi smart human knows when you have facebook "chats" they go to your email attached to that account. He asked me 2 weeks b4 I discovered this "Do you mind if I add her to fb?) I said "as long as no weird stuff goes on no problem" turns out they were communicating since APRIL!! For MONTHS before I saw a weird comment on FB .."Hey old man are you 64 and 5 today? (69 for those who can count)...I pulled all convos (which seemed to be one sided but she was ANSWERING questions-another issue..she and him were making a "plan" to meet..for "coffee tea and a shag"...suffice it to say I have tried EVERYTHING in my power to delete this drivel from my mind (I also discovered another "LOVE you" messege to a man's fb in her town (who has 2 older daughters (not sure if hes on to other game or she knows these ppl and is talking to him from their house) - this past December (which he denies sending!) and now has completely turned off his fb saying FB causes problems (NO FB doesnt cause problems -ppls lack of decency and self respect is the problem) (gee-THATS not suspicious) . I can tell you that #1) Aint NOBODY can be as nasty (or investigative and vengeful as a scorned wife(a note to all the men reading:)..and #2) he disgusts me just to LOOK at him..this was SIX months ago (he claims on and on "it was just "talk" and no one was meeting anyone-she claims to have "moved on"(the weekend after I found out (yaaa right!).. (Weymouth Nova Scotia shes from). Anyhow..I think once the "trust" is done-and you feel like his ex can wag her finger and he will go panting after her- its pretty much a done deal..(and not to toot my horn but Im considered VERY attractive and she is NOT)..so looks have nothting to do with it...bottom line..its not a good feeling to be #2...wife or gf..and not only does he make my skin crawl (just looking at him) and trust me- he plays the game- and pretends he still loves me and wants to be married-which he should of thought about while he was sexting her with his wedding ring on and our wedding pic up on fb.. (yaaaa--and pigs are flying outside my window)...I will NEVER trust him again..or (more importantly) RESPECT him (and THATS what this stuff is about)..If you dont want to be married DONT GET MARRIED..you wreck everyones life (which Ive told him flat out)...In a nutshell..If you wana b single-then have the hootspa to be single!!! ..dont bring everyone else down with you if you cant truly commit!
This was surely handy post! But i have some things to ask. How shall i contact u?
My problem was very difficult and it made me come to a very close to giving up. esangopriest@hotmail.com did bring my lover back to me but unfortunately it did not last because I did not listen to esango priest’s advice. When my lover came back, things weren’t “right on” and instead of calling esango priest I took matters into my own hands and lost my lover AGAIN. Esango priest is the one who called me and knew what happened without me telling him. esango priest is the one who called me and told me his meditation showed him what needed to be done to correct the problem for me. Sometimes esango priest scares me with what he knows, but in a good way. finally my lover returned to me.
I feel the same way as any other woman do with heartbreak before i met a Dr. my mail is angel_2spiicy@yahoo.com. My issue is with his co workers he always text them even after I told him how I feel about it. He will stop for while and then start all over. He always tells me how fat and old these woman are but I did know that he uses that as a deterrent for me not to think negatively about him having dates with them. Today I have now found out he is setting up lunch dates with one of them. I no longer can take it. Why did he just leave? I do not understand why he keeps doing this to me. He even comes home late after work now and he finally went away and broke up with me, well i been at psychic for help but all the same. what should I do? until my friend introduced me to a someone that assisted to reunite her husband. get the him with Getyourexbackcharm@gmail.com you can contact him.
I feel the same way as any other woman do with heartbreak before i met a Dr. my mail is angel_2spiicy@yahoo.com. My issue is with his co workers he always text them even after I told him how I feel about it. He will stop for while and then start all over. He always tells me how fat and old these woman are but I did know that he uses that as a deterrent for me not to think negatively about him having dates with them. Today I have now found out he is setting up lunch dates with one of them. I no longer can take it. Why did he just leave? I do not understand why he keeps doing this to me. He even comes home late after work now and he finally went away and broke up with me, well i been at psychic for help but all the same. what should I do? until my friend introduced me to a someone that assisted to reunite her husband. get the him with Getyourexbackcharm@gmail.com you can contact him.
I feel the same way as any other woman do with heartbreak before i met a Dr. my mail is angel_2spiicy@yahoo.com. My issue is with his co workers he always text them even after I told him how I feel about it. He will stop for while and then start all over. He always tells me how fat and old these woman are but I did know that he uses that as a deterrent for me not to think negatively about him having dates with them. Today I have now found out he is setting up lunch dates with one of them. I no longer can take it. Why did he just leave? I do not understand why he keeps doing this to me. He even comes home late after work now and he finally went away and broke up with me, well i been at psychic for help but all the same. what should I do? until my friend introduced me to a someone that assisted to reunite her husband. get the him with Getyourexbackcharm@gmail.com you can contact him.
I feel the same way as any other woman do with heartbreak before i met a Dr. my mail is angel_2spiicy@yahoo.com. My issue is with his co workers he always text them even after I told him how I feel about it. He will stop for while and then start all over. He always tells me how fat and old these woman are but I did know that he uses that as a deterrent for me not to think negatively about him having dates with them. Today I have now found out he is setting up lunch dates with one of them. I no longer can take it. Why did he just leave? I do not understand why he keeps doing this to me. He even comes home late after work now and he finally went away and broke up with me, well i been at psychic for help but all the same. what should I do? until my friend introduced me to a someone that assisted to reunite her husband. get the him with Getyourexbackcharm@gmail.com you can contact him.
I feel the same way as any other woman do with heartbreak before i met a Dr. my mail is angel_2spiicy@yahoo.com. My issue is with his co workers he always text them even after I told him how I feel about it. He will stop for while and then start all over. He always tells me how fat and old these woman are but I did know that he uses that as a deterrent for me not to think negatively about him having dates with them. Today I have now found out he is setting up lunch dates with one of them. I no longer can take it. Why did he just leave? I do not understand why he keeps doing this to me. He even comes home late after work now and he finally went away and broke up with me, well i been at psychic for help but all the same. what should I do? until my friend introduced me to a someone that assisted to reunite her husband. get the him with Getyourexbackcharm@gmail.com you can contact him.