Something tells me, deep down, you either don't want to get married or just aren't ready for it. I have been a drinker. Hell, I cry teardrops of whisky. But I've come to believe that alcohol only amplifies desires, weaknesses, and insecurities. I have woken up hungover in some pretty compromising positions (it's just a fire escape!)
But in retrospect, those drunken dramas reflected something deep, down, and dark in me. Namely, that I was unhappy and looking for something.
If you cheat on someone after a night of partying, you can't blame the booze. You have to stop and ask yourself some serious questions.
Now, I believe in mistakes. They happen. I actually totally believe that you can screw up, feel terrible about it, and never make that mistake again. But there's something about your question that makes me think you're not confident it won't happen again. I don't know. Maybe it's just my Jedi Spider Sense.
Should you tell him? Would you want to be told? Do you think you can go your whole lifetime holding on to that lie? Will it fade into the past? Or fester? Will this happen again... in one year? Two? AAAHHHHH!!!!
Start asking yourself these questions. Don't beat yourself with rubber hoses.But ask yourself why you went and slept with another guy. You weren't drinking cans of Mind Control Dew. Were you chasing beers with bites of a magical apple?
Before you tell anyone, seriously, start looking inward. Do you want to get married to this guy? At this point? Are you sabotaging this engagement? You can love someone and not be able to be what they need, you know.
The answer to your question depends on your answers to these other questions.
To the questioner:
This is seriously good advice. It will hurt less in the long run to NOT marry someone than it will be to live through (even a few) years of unhappiness because you really don't want to be there.
If you do it, go in with both feet. If not, there is nothing wrong with not being ready.
You'll be doing both of you a favor.
Listen to John here. He's speaking very wisely.
It also may be wise to consider pushing back the wedding date, if you two have set one. Think about staying with this person, not because you may think this is your last shot at marriage, but because you love him and want to be with him the rest of your life.
Premarital counseling is a good place to start if you're having doubts, which, like JDV, I think you are. If you can work it out for yourself, great. If not, and a decent amount of time has passed, tell your fiance that you thought you were ready to get married but you aren't and that you're sorry. Do not tell him that you slept with another man--what's the point of hurting him with that dart? Whether you break up, or you put the ring away until a later date, only time can tell.
Coming clean about a mistake like this will only cause pain, to the both of you. It only means, even if he does forgive you, that he will never trust you again. And that's a hard way to live.
If you don't come clean.. This shit is going to fester. Also if anyone else knows that you hooked up with someone , whose to say they wont come forward with that info?
Secrets suck, cheating is one of the most lowest things you can do to someone ( I'm a cheater, believe me I would know) . Its time for some personal introspection! You did it because you were unhappy, unfulfilled, and just plain not ready to get married. DONT DO IT!!!
And if you do go through with this... I hope someone's ass will pop up to object... God I always wanted to be present when someone objected at a wedding. lmao
TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC;Cheating does not necessarily mean you are unhappy with the relationship you are in. That's not to say that unhappiness is never the reason because more often than not it is. But, some people do it for the excitement and danger. I even know someone who cheated, just to prove to himself that he had the balls to do it. That's why a lot of comments on here bother me. They use generalites that aren't necessarily accurate for the particular situation of the asker to base their advice on.
Cheating seems to be the new black now a days. But cheating to prove to oneself that your capable of it? Well that one takes the cake lmao. At least when I did it I knew I was insecure, and yes unhappy about my relationship.
I wont speak for everyone, but usually when you cheat on someone you claim to care about there has to be a reason for it (and seeing how this chick wants to walk down the isle, she'd better have a damn good reason for doing it) .
Its a cowardly thing to do, I wouldn't recommend it .
"You can love someone and not be able to be what they need, you know. "
Wisdom that only comes with age and experience.
"Cheating" happens. Lighten up. Yes, it is usually an indicator that something is missing or lacking. It's not the end of the world though...nor is it some horrible crime. Love, emotions, and life aren't that easy. Things can get all tangled up sometimes without us even realizing it. Rethink the wedding. Not sure about confessing though. Better make sure it's worth it...might clear *your* conscious at the price of causing him immense pain.
My feeling with cheating is that if you want/need to do it, fine, but it is indeed your burden to bear. Not his. That's sort of the price of having your cake and eating it too. Although it is your cake after all...
No, cheating DOESN"T HAPPEN. It's not an event. Its something you DO. Its an action, a choice. You are not an inactive participant. To say that it's something that "happens" removes personal responsibility- which of course is something that cheaters would want. I would say its a horrible thing. It's probably one of the most damaging things you could do in a relationship. Honestly, I'd probably rather be hit across the face than cheated on. At least being hit is out in the open.
A deal is a deal. When you agree to be in a relationship with someone you give them your word. Someone who cheat's word isn't worth anything really is it? I think its a pretty big deal. Those who make lightly of it should use some introspection.
Well said, Rach! There is not a single valid excuse for cheating. Zero. Nada. Zilch. Cheating is high up on the list of the most selfish actions one can do. Nothing good comes of cheating.
And Been There, when does one ever need to cheat? Never! If you want to screw someone else that badly, you break up with your partner. It's honestly that simple. Being cheated on hurts a lot more than being broken up with.
Ohhhh honey :( THIS IS A TOUGH ONE!