No offense, but this question made me laugh for like half an hour. It's like a scene from one of the American Pie movies or something. Anyway, I'm sure the whole "passing out next to your gay BFF" thing has nothing to do with his sexual preference and everything to do with the fact that he was blackout drunk. It sounds like he's lucky that he passed out in a bed at all.
No, he's not gay. I'm sure you're a nice person, but COME ON. If you're that concerned about your gay bestie seducing your boyfriend, maybe you should talk to him. But you're also being a little homophobic by assuming that your gay friend will seduce any straight that comes within a five-foot radius.
I decided to answer this question, ridiculous though it may be, because we're all getting a little tired of the casual homophobia being thrown around here lately. Just because a guy compliments your necklace/is friends with a gay guy/watches Glee, that doesn't mean he's gay. There isn't some sort of test you can administer to tell whether or not a guy is gay. All you can do is ask him. If your guy is actually gay and is struggling with it, that is a whole different can of worms. You certainly won't be able to determine that via dated, hack stereotypes. Just like with heterosexuals, there are all sorts of gay men out there. Thinking that a guy must be gay because he exhibits quote, unquote "gay" behaviour says more about you than it does about him.
Sorry for the rant, but this is something to keep in mind when submitting questions going forward. Of course, most of you are open-minded, intelligent people. This is addressed to the small minority that thinks a guy is gay because he owns a Lady Gaga album or wears skinny jeans or whatever. Let's quit it with the stereotyping, kay? There is enough hate out there already.
No, he's not gay. I'm sure you're a nice person, but COME ON. If you're that concerned about your gay bestie seducing your boyfriend, maybe you should talk to him. But you're also being a little homophobic by assuming that your gay friend will seduce any straight that comes within a five-foot radius.
I decided to answer this question, ridiculous though it may be, because we're all getting a little tired of the casual homophobia being thrown around here lately. Just because a guy compliments your necklace/is friends with a gay guy/watches Glee, that doesn't mean he's gay. There isn't some sort of test you can administer to tell whether or not a guy is gay. All you can do is ask him. If your guy is actually gay and is struggling with it, that is a whole different can of worms. You certainly won't be able to determine that via dated, hack stereotypes. Just like with heterosexuals, there are all sorts of gay men out there. Thinking that a guy must be gay because he exhibits quote, unquote "gay" behaviour says more about you than it does about him.
Sorry for the rant, but this is something to keep in mind when submitting questions going forward. Of course, most of you are open-minded, intelligent people. This is addressed to the small minority that thinks a guy is gay because he owns a Lady Gaga album or wears skinny jeans or whatever. Let's quit it with the stereotyping, kay? There is enough hate out there already.
Oh for the love of Christ. I can't even read the rest of the answer after reading - AGAIN - the word "homophobic". I think you guys need to actually look up the definition or at least stop being so quick to throw the word around. This person didn't say that she was gonna beat the shit out of her boyfriend because he might be gay for laying next to her gay friend, or that she was disgusted at the idea, because THAT would be homophobic.
You are so right. Nick completely misused homophobic.
Except that I didn't misuse the word. (Also, if you read the question, I said stop throwing around "casual homophobia." I didn't call her a homophobe.)
I'm sorry, but making assumptions about a person based on stereotypically "gay" or feminine behavior is kind of homophobic. Your judging someone based on small-minded stereotypes and making broad generalizations. If I said all Asians are bad drivers, I would be being kind of racist.
Honestly, I felt it was necessary to address this because we get tons of questions along the line of, "My boyfriend wears tight jeans. Is he gay??" While this sort of thing isn't as bad as hate speech, it's casual homophobia and also incredibly stupid. Thinking your boyfriend is gay because he passed out in the same bed as a gay man is so ridiculous I don't even know where to begin. If she caught them making out, then it might be a different story.
totally agree, I know plenty of gay men and women alike who would be offended by her question in and of itself.
Saying that he misused "homophobic" here is like saying the word "cool" can only be used for things that are cold.
Homophobic can be used like "I hate gays" or "I fear gays" but it's used as the synomym for racist for sexual orientation.
Saying that a guy who wears skinny jeans is gay is homophobic like saying a man is black - therefore he must be a gangster/drug addict/rapper is racist.
Like saying someone who is Jewish REFUSES to spend money. That anybody whose asian loves math. All that was racist, si?
Assuming there is a "gay test" is homophobic. :)
Thank you Cherry.
Again, all I'm saying is stereotyping is a little homophobic. You're jumping to conclusions and judging them based on stereotypes.
This entire answer is a complete knee-jerk reaction.
"...you're also being a little homophobic by assuming that your gay friend will seduce any straight that comes within a five-foot radius."
PLEASE. So no one can assume any bad thing about any gay person ever, or they must hate all LGBTQ people. She shared one character trait of ONE human being with you. She was CLEARLY not making an assumption about all gay men. What if she had asked, "My [female] bff loves seducing guys and went to bed with my boyfriend. Do you think he cheated?" Using your logic, we would assume that the question asker MUST be sexist, or somehow otherwise prejudiced.
"...we're all getting a little tired of the casual homophobia being thrown around here lately."
Sorry, but I really don't understand how assuming a guy is gay because he exhibits behaviors that are very common amongst gay men is "homophobic". It is, at worst, narrow-minded and exhibits overly old-fashioned ideas about what it means to be masculine.
I just don't get it - if you're such an advocate for the idea that it's great to be gay, why should a guy be insulted if a girl assumes he's gay? Why does it matter!? And then, why should a gay guy NOT be insulted if one assumes he's straight? Do you see how nonsensical this is?
"You certainly won't be able to determine that via dated, hack stereotypes."
People get into a tizzy about stereotypes, but I'm going to really blow everyone's mind and say that not only are many stereotypes based on truth (gasp), but they're not all bad (gasp). "All Asians are smart," is s VERY common stereotype, and I'd bet I'd never catch you ranting about that. If I were to say, "That guy's really loud and obnoxious and slutty. He must be gay," THAT is clearly homophobic. If I said, "He wears skinny jeans and loves Cher. He's totally gay," that might be stupid for various reasons, but it is NOT homophobic. If someone says to me, "You must like pink because you're female," or "You must love ketchup because you're white," I would never flip out and call them sexist or racist. I would not call them names that imply that they hate me, are disgusted by me, or want to take away my right to vote. That would only make me look ignorant and hypersensitive.
"Let's quit it with the stereotyping, kay? There is enough hate out there already."
For the love of....GAH! Seriously? "Hate" is the only word tossed around more irritatingly than "homophobic". I already explained why above, but subscribing to a stereotype does NOT automatically make one hateful. That is the worst cop-out and the lamest talking point EVER. It's a strong word, and that's why it's used to bully people around and make them feel guilty. Anyone who criticizes one gay man or the gay community for ANY reason these days is just so full of HATE. I think you like Cher because I HATE you. My parents believe homosexual sex is morally wrong because they passionately HATE all gays.
Ugh.
There's nothing wrong with being passionate about gay rights, Nick. But you leave the realm of intelligent, productive conversation when you build for the gay community an impenetrable victim status and use it as a cop-out in every situation.
"He wears skinny jeans and loves Cher. He's totally gay," that might be stupid for various reasons, but it is NOT homophobic.
Um, except that it is? You're making a generalization about an entire section of humanity based on some broad stereotypes. How is that any different from someone saying, "He's black, therefore he must be on welfare" or "He's from India, therefore he must work at 7-11"?
Look, I'm not overly PC at all. I'm not here to censor anyone. But the constant assumptions that a guy is gay just because he exhibits certain stereotypes is more than a little disheartening.
She's not saying all gay men love Cher and wear skinny jeans, she said guys who wear skinny jeans and like Cher are probably gay. There's a big difference. And not homophobic, Cherophobic maybe, but not homophobic.
Right, and saying all guys who wear skinny jeans and like Cher are probably gay is a stereotype. You proved my point. By saying that, you're saying that listening to Cher and wearing skinny jeans is typically "gay" behavior. You're drawing broad generalizations about a segment of the population. Stereotyping is a form of racism and homophobia, period.
If, for instance, someone says "All gay men are promiscuous," that is a stereotype. They are assuming something about a large percentage of the population, and are being judgmental and a bit homophobic. There are all sorts of levels of homophobia -- it's not just about using violence or a hateful slur against someone.
Look, we can argue around this all day. I am by no means perfect. I'm just self-aware enough to know what is and isn't offensive to people. All I ask is that we stop making assumptions on someone's sexuality based on stereotypes. Because, I gotta tell ya, most of the time you're going to be wrong and look like a fool.
ho·mo·pho·bi·a /ˌhoʊməˈfoʊbiə/ Show Spelled
[hoh-muh-foh-bee-uh] Show IPA
–noun
unreasoning fear of or antipathy toward homosexuals and homosexuality.
homophobia (ˌhəʊməʊˈfəʊbɪə)
— n
intense hatred or fear of homosexuals or homosexuality
Way I see it, it was invented to describe people like, say, that crazy church that does all these marches saying nasty stuff about gays, people who make death threats to gays, etc. Just because people are worried about their S.O.'s sexuality and/or are uncomfortabe around gays doesn't mean they're homophobic. Silly, worrying about nothing, overanxious, yes, but not homophobic.
That's just my take on things.
Yeah, I'd say that someone who is uncomfortable around homosexuals is a homophobe. In fact, that's the root of the word. "Phobe" being a suffix of
"phobia" and all.
Again, I'm not saying she's a horrible person. Is it a little homophobic to make assumptions about someone based on stereotypes? Yes. Should she (and others) stop jumping to conclusions based on preconceived notions? Yes.
Ha. Fine. I'll just agree to mildly disagree on this one.
I have to agree with nick on this one. Homophobia or racism is not strictly the hatred or fear of a certain group of people. Secondly, there are NO positive stereotypes. Things like "asians are smart" or "asians love math" while seemingly innocuous, aren't. I have friends who are asian and not book smart and that kind of stereotype implies that they do not meet the criteria to belong to a certain group. Think of it this way- when they don't preform well academically people have said "You're Asian, aren't you supposed to be smart?"
To M, I get that you wouldn't be offended about people thinking you like pink because you're a girl. Since you've shared that you're white, let's try this and see if its offensive "You're white so you must be pretty wealthy and really have no idea what its like to suffer and haven't had any real problems other than daddy not expanding you're credit card limit." Still harmless?
Awesome answer Liz, so perfect!
I agree! Good response.
Nick, I love you. And I totally agree with Liz.
I have a friend that had doors shut to her face because she was a cute blond hair blue-eyed girl, so she wasn't "supposed" to have any problems (to those she came to asking for help, because she was kicked out by her mother, and her dad had to sell the flat to cover his debts..so she had nowhere to live) I can tell that hurts. A lot. Not getting help just because you're white ?! That is some kind of racism too, at least to me.
And I 'd be bothered if someone said to me "You must like pink because you're female". First, because I don't like pink. Second, because I think pink suits men better. Third, because I wouldn't appreciate that someone told me what I must like BASED ON my gender.
PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT. We can't put them into categories, whether they're supposed to be positive or negative. Thanfully.
Stereotypes are made of sayings made on certain people that have been generalized to a whole part of the population. They might have some kind of truth, but in no way that concerns ALL.
In this context, "went to bed with" sounds like sex or intimacy of some kind was involved. Which changes the whole thing.
Drunk off your ass though you might be, that's certainly no excuse for banging a guy (or a girl, for that matter) instead of your girlfriend. If you're doing that, and trying to use the drunk thing as an excuse, then I think it's pretty reasonable to assume that he might be gay. I know if I were an in-the-closet lesbian I would find as many ways as possible to "accidentally" be with women.
So, as I read it, her boyfriend got drunk-sexed/fondled/kissed/something sexual by her best friend, and she's wondering if he's telling the truth about thinking it was her.
Not "they shared a bed platonically and now I'm wondering if he's caught The Gay", but more "they shared a bed and a) my boyfriend thought apparently thought a man was me, which sounds more than a little suspicious and I think he might be lying to me and b) my best friend has a habit of trying to sleep with the guys I'm with"
So, I'm very much not reading the homophobia there. Maybe it's because I'm reading the question differently, but she's got a gay best friend, she's comfortable being around him, and she's genuinely worried that something happened between him and her boyfriend because they did actually share a bed. She's not assuming something happened just because he's gay, and unlike her straight male friends, this gay guy has a bit of a fancy for "turning straights", which does make it pretty worrying from her point of view.
She should talk things the hell out with her gay "best friend" because if this situation had been with a girl trying to sleep with her boyfriend, we would have been all up in arms at her, instead of getting distracted with homophobia that doesn't really seem to be there.
He passed out in bed with his girlfriend's gay friend thinking he was in bed with her. She said he was blackout drunk, and didn't know where he was. I don't interpret that as they hooked up. Unless he's covering up something, I think he drank too much and passed out.
I still can’t get past the part where she calls him, her gay buddy. Why isn’t he an EX gay buddy? He slept with your man. End of story. Game over. NEXT!
she didn't say they slept together as in had sex, they were just lying on the same bed 'cause they were passed out from drinking. re-read the question pls.
If my girlfriend “went to bed” with my boyfriend..,. she wouldn’t be my friend anymore.
why the HELL are all the comments about the word use in Nick's answer and not about the question and answer itself?
two guys, passed out drunk next to each other, regardless of both their sexual orientations, does not make them gay/attracted to each other. :)
I agree that the question was a little homophobic, but not for the reasons you specified, Nick. While 'stereotypical gay male behaviour' certainly includes 'sleeping with men', I don't think her problem is with stereotypes. I mean, the dude was ACTUALLY IN BED WITH ANOTHER DUDE. That's a little more telling than wearing skinny jeans.
No, I think that her question was homophobic because, well let's say her bf was in bed with another woman. Would she be equally concerned? Probably, but for a different reason: she'd be writing in aking "did my bf have an affair?" At which point you'd likely advise her to simply ask him about it. In this case, her fear is not of infidelity, but of The Gay. The fact that her bf was briefly horizontal with a homosexual has her freaking out and running to GuySpeak in fear of the Big Bad Gay. Instead of, y'know, just talking to her boyfriend. Maybe because she can't trust him after that. After all, what kind of a depraved monster lies with other men?
To be fair, "I thought is was you" has got to be one of the all-time lame excuses, so I probably wouldn't trust him either.
I agree with you. My comment about not stereotyping people was more of a response to an overall trend in questions of late.
Assuming that he's gay because he passed out next to her gay friend seems a little homophobic. Also that she assumed that her gay friend would betray their friendship and sleep with her boyfriend just because he has "seduced straights" in the past. The fact that he would try to sleep with her boyfriend (if that's what he actually did) has nothing to do with him being gay and everything to do with him being a jerk and a bad friend.
Yes, "I thought it was you" seems lame, but he was also blackout drunk. So it seems like he just passed out on the nearest available bed and gave her that explanation after she told him that he passed out next to her friend. Chances are, he doesn't remember everything that happened that night.
I totally agree. How come she doesn't trust both her boyfriend and her gay friend ?
That's the "between the lines" question...
I'm not going to go into much detail,but I do agree that it might have been the slightest bit of homophobia,but at the same time,stating the fact that she knows he has seduced straights in the past is obviously NOT stereotyping. It is just using past info to question if they might have gotten into something farther than just laying next to each other. However we need more clarification on this person's question. Were they doing something sexual? Or just simply laying next to each other? And also,I agree that her bf saying that he thought it was her us pretty hard to believe,but on the other side,how drunk was he? If we had more info,then we could come to a real conclusion on this situation once in for all. I've read all the comments and find this to be a pretty heated debate...
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hahha I agree