Oops.
Well, on the bright side, you'll never have to wonder what "painting yourself into a corner" means. Unfortunately, you have to get out of that corner now, and there's no way to do it without making a mess. The best you can do is damage control.
When you do fess up -- and I agree that you should -- he will be upset, but all you can do is be honest and apologize. He will either forgive you or he won't. I'm not sure why you started faking in the first place, but my guess is that it just made things easier. But lying is only easier in the short term, and becomes a huge pain in the ass the longer it goes on, as you are discovering.
Because you've been dishonest, he has no idea how to please you, and the two of you will have to start over from scratch in bed. His ego will be bruised, yes, but his trust in you will also be shaken. If and when you do start having genuine orgasms with him, he might still think you're faking it, and you'll have to convince him otherwise. Your confession and apology to him are only the beginning of the work to be done.
But.. I'm not here to scold (much). What's done is done. Chalk it up as a life lesson and move on. It might help to remember that your inability to orgasm during intercourse without clitoral stimulation is fairly common, and doesn't make you abnormal or him a bad lover. His only offense is believing that the female body isn't complicated. He'll be bummed when he realizes that he doesn't have a magic penis after all, but he'll get over it -- all men do.
Starting over isn't necessarily a bad thing, either. Being honest with him will be a relief. You can teach him exactly what it takes to please you sexually, and he'll be a better lover for your instruction. It's a win-win, and when you achieve climax, you can both be proud of the accomplishment.
Here's hoping you can both get over this obstacle and be better communicators -- and lovers -- because of it.
I have never understood why anyone would cheat themselves out of an orgasm by faking one. I guess I'm a greedy little whore who likes to get hers. IDK
I agree with you completely Harmony. (There are worse things than being greedy little whores, you know!) I like to save my acting skills for when they really matter--like when I have to explain my American Express bill or pretend to be interested in another "guess who died" conversation with my in-laws.
I love my boyfriend, but he isn't great in bed. I'm faking because he's already self-conscious about himself, I don't want to make it worse. And he cuddles with me after:) so I don't care that I don't cum because it feels good while he's doing it and it makes him feel good and that's all that matters...
I'm not sure you should tell him...yet. I think you should subtly teach him bits and pieces here and there, maybe throw in the idea of investing in some good toys and pleasure enhancing lubes, new positions, etc. Maybe invest in a bunch of stuff all at once and then make an evening of it, starting when he walks in the door, have dinner then a bubble bath (shared if you can) then a night full of exploration. Maybe you guys will find something that really really works for you....you can tell him when you guys get old and are rocking together on the porch in your matching rockers.
I wouldnt lie to him anymore though.... if you guys have at it tonight and it doesnt work, dont act like it did...dont just lay there but say something along the lines of "for whatever reason it just wasnt happening for me this evening...wanna try again tomorrow? *wink*"
I wouldnt tell him, it might ruin your relationship and really, its not an important enough subject to ruin your relationship over. in my opinion anyway.
Totally agree with this approach, no need to bruise an ego (yet) or continue faking...
LOL more like PANTING yourself into a corner. Sorry, couldn't resist.
I never know why women do this, don't they want guys to learn how to please them? Anyway, I think it might be helpful to her to show him how she likes to be touched while *not* during intercourse like during foreplay and see if he picks up on some hints. Or she can just guide his hand to her clit during it. Either way if she stops faking or just tells him, its a huge hurt to the ego for the guy, so she might as well he honest.
On why women fake it, you're right--sometimes, it is just easier. Thankfully I learned to stop faking it long ago, but when I used to, it was for that reason. If you have a hard time orgasming, and the guy you're with is trying soooo hard despite you trying to point him in the right direction, and they make it obvious that they don't want to stop until you orgasm, a lot of times...it's just easier to fake it and get it over with then sit through more of it.
Why would any woman fake an orgasm if she has had a real one? Also it's very possible that you may be taking a medication that interferes. Check out the side effects and see if that's a possibility. If not and you know then just be honest and tell him then show him. He'll be happy and he will know the difference if he cares.
many, many women fake it. i'm not saying that makes it right, but i think it's definitely understandable. i do feel bad for the guy in this scenario, but i'm sure you'll be able to fix the situation. perhaps you don't have to dive right in? maybe just guide him along for a while until the sex gradually gets better..
Sometimes it is easier to just fake it. Guys seem to be fragile creatures and at times all I want is for him to stop plugging away already. But I've also noticed that the times I don't even come close (haha) are the times when I don't really trust my partner, so I don't let myself unwind and be vulnerable like that. It is a vulnerablility, you're literally placing yourself in someone else's hands, and that can be scary.
Here's a question to ask yourself: Are you not climaxing because you can't or because you won't allow yourself to? Sorry to sound harsh but it's worth some self-reflection, don't you think?
Wow this question reflects my exact scenario, except I've already taken the plunge and told him the truth. And everything worked out. I have an amazing boyfriend and after I explained why I did it, and how horrible I felt, he understood and we've been working on it together now.
For those of you wondering why someone would do this. For me, basically it was because of past relationships. I'm a very honest person and beforehand, I would refuse to fake it for the sake of honesty. But then I would almost never orgasm and as a lot of you already pointed out, the guy's ego would get so bruised that he just couldn't do it (even though it wasn't really his fault) that he'd get really critical of himself in bed, become self conscious, lose most of his confidence (and therefore his erection), and it would put a lot of pressure on me trying to orgasm for him (which only psychologically makes it harder) to the point where it created an even bigger problem for us in bed.
So with my current boyfriend, when we first started dating, to be honest I didn't know it was going to unfold into a serious relationship, I thought it might have just been somewhat of a fling at first, so I was faking it thinking it would make it easier on both of us. That way he wouldn't get down on himself for not being able to get me to climax, and I could just relax without feeling pressured. I would obviously still try to get there, but when I knew it wouldn't happen I would just fake it. But, as a lot of you said, I didn't want to lead him in the complete wrong direction so he wouldn't even know what pleased me, so I would always fake it when it did feel amazing, and was exactly right, and if I could orgam I probably would have at that moment type of thing, that way he still learned what I liked. But then it unfolded into a longer and longer relationship, to the point where I was stuck in the lie and it just made me feel awful. I was like if I stop faking my orgasms now, he'll wonder what the heck happened (how come you could so easily before?), but if I tell him, he'll be crushed.
In the end I told him and explained all of this, and he was very understanding. And although it bruised his ego a bit, it honestly wasn't as bad as I thought and our sex life, as well as our relationship, is stronger for it. Just make sure you explain it to him from your perspective, make sure he knows you didn't mean any harm and that you were, in a way, just trying to make things work. Telling the truth is always better than lying, and you'll feel so much better for it!
I have always faked because I've never been able to achieve the big O with a guy, only solo. I ended up fessing up in my first serious adult relationship. I wanted to be honest and wanted to see if maybe I could get there now that I confessed. Like a challenge. However, he was never able to maintain an erection after this point. I totally killed his ego. He felt inadequate. So instead of a new and exciting orgasm seeking challenge, we stopped having sex altogether. This ultimately lead to our break up.
I promised myself that I would never fake again. I got myself a new man and we had great sex (yes, I do enjoy sex even without orgasming). A few months in though and I caved. I fake because I want him to know how good of a lover he is. I am a wise faker. I fake when he actually is hitting the right spot. I tell him "yes! right there!" and I mean it... I am loving every minute of it.. but I have come to realize that I will never achieve the big O with a man.
Speak with your dr. There may be a medical reason why its not happening for you. Also, try different positions. Or just do what I do and have him go down on you til you get yours, then let him have his way with you so he can get his.... most of the time if you "get yours" once, you will get a few more of yours while he is getting his. lol.
For the first few years of my adult life, I thought that the rush and high of a really great part of sex was the orgasm. I didn't know that there was such a strong physical reaction to sex until I got there on my own, nearly ten years later. So... Now my husband believes that I'm having orgasms 2-3 times during sex, but it's not until I break out the Hitachi magic wand that I can actually get there.
i just told my girlfriend i have faked it a couple times.. definitely bruised her ego. and now she doesn't want to have sex for 2 weeks. fml.
we've been dating a year. i shouldn't have waited this long. sometimes she just doesn't quite get me there.. like sometimes she'll be doing something so right then she'll stop and do something else. and thats just so frustrating. so i dont know. even lesbians have to fake it sometimes. definitely don't wait too long to say something though.
My girl has been faking orgasms for the last 4 years and I have just recently realised. Well, not realised actually, she finally told me I suppose because she couldn't stand it anymore. She reckoned she has had about FOUR orgasms over the last four years, which is actually a very low rate considering we have been lying down three or four times a week. She even once faked five orgasms in the same night, trying me to cum as soon as possible. I'll go to the point. I don't feel betrayed or minimised by her way of acting but feel sorrow and definitely am trying to make her feel good and to have real orgasms. I have always thought that sex is "giving" more than "receiving" and that chatting in bed is a good way to get to know each other. Maybe she didn't understand that about me but now i think we are in the right way. I focus on her and when she can't, i'm not a pain in the ass, just tell her not to worry and wait next time. I think it's working. Thank you.
I have been faking orgasms with my guy every time as well. He wont allow himself to orgasm until I do and sometimes he really struggles with trying to hold back because I have not came yet (or faked it that is).
It all started when I had a fling when I was much younger, 17. The guy would text me and say things like "i hope you come when we do it or else my ego will be totally crushed." yes he actually said that! so when we had sex, I faked it (and probably did a horrible job). after that I never faked it with any other guy. I would tell them that nobody has ever given me an orgasm and this was a challenge for them to be the first. They liked the challenge.
But about a year ago I was having a conversation with one of my guy friends. He was involved with two girls and said he liked having sex with girl #1 because she orgasms every time and not girl#2 because she doesnt. I said "how do you know she is really orgasming?" and he said "I can feel her whole body tense up" and i thought to myself- I can make my body tense up. easy. and this got me thinking... I should be having orgasms every time to get a guy to really enjoy sex with me.
Shortly after our conversation I started a relationship with a wonderful person. The first time we had sexual behavior he was giving me oral and without thinking I tensed up and faked an orgasm. He was so proud of himself and said "I make sure that that happens". Every time after that it was fake orgasm after fake orgasm. We have been together for 6 months now and have sex at least once a day EVERY DAY. once a day being the very minimum. I can't even count how many fake orgasms that is. like I mentioned before, not only will he not stop but he will not allow himself to orgasm until I DO! I LOVE having sex with him so much but I wish i could stop faking. I just fear that i have gone too far.
I just can not admit it to him. He is very sensitive. I thought maybe I could just fake orgasms less but he does not know sex with me without giving me an orgasm. He might get very depressed and upset even if I dont have one just once. Its a scary pickle us women get ourselves into.
Dang, Nora that's quite a hole you've dug yourself into! That's why they say lying is BAD! Your little lie turned into a big lie and now it's almost like your whole relationship is a lie. You know, the only thing that you can do is tell him. If you don't, you're relationship is doomed. You wont be able to live that lie forever. It'll catch up to you. I say just throw all your guilt and shame and worry about what's going to happen to the wind and come clean. Whatever happens after that WILL BE FOR THE BEST. All you will do by continuing to lie is dig yourself deeper and deeper into an ugly place you don't want to be. The truth will set you free. Good luck!
It's amazing how a man can be comfortable with his body and let go, while women can't. They are prisoners of their fears. Ultimately, in a world where women are critical if a man's performance in bed and his tool, the fact remains that faking an orgasm is a coverup for female sexual dysfunction.