I've been brain chewing on a concept I read a few weeks ago: Life is about taking responsibility for things you are not responsible for. Now of course this doesn't mean raise your hand and say you burned someone's house down if you didn't. But it means recognizing the dump truck of sh*t your family or biology has piled on you and own it.
Own it so that you can then work towards digging out from it. The walls you've built were probably constructed long ago, when you were a kid - used to protect yourself and make a bad environment survivable. Now, you are older and those walls still stand, but to what avail? They once served a purpose, but now they are just blocking you from you.
How to get out?
Recognizing that these walls are a problem and that it is in your best interest to remove the stubborn cement is commendable. Working on yourself - therapy, a good support network, learning from strong role models, seeking spiritual and emotional growth, is your shovel.
All these tools and more are at your disposal, enabling you to remove the wall. Now, this doesn't happen overnight and often it seems when one part of the wall is ready to come down it's quickly replaced by a deep mote or something equally imposing, but little by little your tools and hard work will win the battle. Slowly the walls will turn from cement, to wood to something you can actually see through -- and eventually walk through.
That is taking responsibility. Not accepting the wall as permanent, but accepting that it's your responsibility to remove it. I mean think about it. What good is spending a life behind your wall saying, "Man this f*cking sucks. My family and genes imprisoned me. I wish it were different."
Pick up your shovel and start the project - it's the most important one you have.
One day, your wall will not be a wall at all, but a great door; And you'll own the key, letting good people in and protecting yourself at the same time.
Have you read Viktor Frankl, Funny Guy? I sensed his wisdom in your reply - especially the first paragraph.
I'll paraphrase what was once told to me; you are a product of your past, your genes, but you're not a prisoner of either.
this is really excellent advice. it's so easy to want to blame everything outside of yourself, and even though this could be completely valid, it doesn't change a thing about your situation. the only way to really change your life is to do exactly what FG says!
I can only offer you what worked for me when i was fed up with feeling sorry for myself.
First, accept your current shitty situation. Next, try to recognise the moment you are about to shut down, or as you will: crawl in your fortress of solitude (the defense walls, no matter how big, can`t be up 24/7). When you feel like shutting down tell yourself something like: No, no more, i`m not letting my past, parents or my *&^%a$$ genes dictate my life.
Start with something small, and work your way up from there. Focus on your successes, however small they may be.
to let someone in you have to.....actually let them in. just saying you want to and saying you are isn't enough. i, like millions of other women AND men, have been given ample reasons to stop trusting the world, but it is a very sad and lonely way to live your life. you have to take that chance again. it's why they call love a "risk". just look your fear in the eye and never look down. it's not going to be easy, and it is going to suck sometimes, and there are people that are going to continue getting your back in the way of their knife, but....the entire world isn't like that. it feels like that, but it isn't. there are people that are worth your trust out there, but you will never know if you keep looking down and insisting on living inside your walls of distrust. MM wrote a really good blog about this a ways back. to let them in, you have to actually let them in. it hurts, and it's tough, but oh my god dear girl, it is soooooo worth it. baby steps and good luck!
I loved this answer, the funniest can also be the most sincere it seems :)
I grew up in a totally effed environment. My teenage years to early adulthood I basically lived life without having many meaningful friendships, and romantic relationships where I had zero trust for my partner. I used to never tell anyone about my real struggles and the daily pain I felt. I just pushed them away. Right after I graduated college these issues came to a boiling point. I lost a relationship I put my whole heart into, because my partner was sick of not being trusted. I had a nervous break down and was forced to deal with the trauma that was my childhood. I sought therapy and actually tried trusting people, starting with my friends. I had to step out of my comfort zone of pushing people away, and actually allowing someone in. Is it easy? No, but you have to deal with it at some point in your life. If not, you will end up like that completely unsuccessful person who walks around blaming everything wrong in their life on someone else. That being said, its not going to happen overnight. It takes small steps. Am I all better and fixed? No. I still have daily struggles. The biggest thing I remind myself is constantly work on bettering my behavior, and over time I grow more and more and get better. I also have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder with depressive features, and getting on medication helped a lot. Not sure if that applies to you, but sometimes medication is necessary.
Anyway, great answer. Always brings a little humor to a serious situation.
Hey Funny Guy, I have two words for you: You're AWSOME.
Best answer from you on this site. Thanks everyone.