Realistically, what you're talking about here sounds a lot like he becomes emotionally abusive when he's stressed out. It sounds like he's taking the first step to change himself and stop the abuse, so good for him. But I'd make two points.
First, don't downplay what he did to his previous girlfriend, especially if he's not. If he's that concerned about it, then you need to be too, even if he is trying to mend his ways.
Secondly, honestly, this is going to be a hard road. Abuse really boils down to a broken coping mechanism: people are taught from an early age that hurting someone you love when you're angry at them is a good strategy, and that can take years to break. This isn't a "read a book and take a deep breath" type of problem. He needs to make time and go to a therapist who specializes in working in abuse cases.
The key thing here, though, is this: he knows he has a problem, he knows the abuse is wrong, and he wants to change. But that change has to come from him.
But RP, I think she wants to know if she should stay or walk. She's asking if this guy will ever really be "ready" for a relationship with her, despite his reasoning and yada yada yada.
He says he's not, so he is not...
hmm i would say that she should walk away no matter how much they both like each other and probably wait until he is "ready" or just find someone else who isn't that way. Believe me i was in an emotionally abusive relationship for about 3 years, He would also take his anger out on me and other people when he would be mad or stressed out. He would also call me hurtful names, get jealous, have trust issues, be controlling, and he would always want to know where i was and who i was with when he wasn't with me. He promised me plenty of times he would change but he never did. Until i finally got tired of him treating me that way and broke up with him a few months ago. No one deserves to be treated that way and to be in an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm not saying if you get with him that he'll be the same way as how my ex was but people who are like that usually get worse as time goes on. So think about yourself and how life might be if you do get together.
It also sounds like his family is a big part of the problem, since It's likely they taught him the abuse and continue to be a major source of his frustration. Family issues take a lot to get through, it may be more than you can wait for.
I dunno, peeps. Sounds a lot like an excuse to me. I don't know the guy, but I've concluded that 99% of the time, guys who "aren't ready for a relationship" try to justify that with some sort of "it's not you, it's me" reason to spare the girl's feelings. It's happened to me and just about every girl I know.
I say move on. Whatever the reasons are, he's not relationship material right now.
So you are saying that when a guy tells a woman that he's not ready for a relationship (in other words, it is him, not her) he is making an excuse.
So help me out, what do you think the "real" reason is?
Ah, it just occurred to me. See, as a guy, I read "I'm not looking for something serious for blah blah reason" as being the same as "I'm not looking for a serious relationship with you". Apparently, women see something completely different.
So, what is it that women see or hear when a guy makes that statement?
Could it be that when guys say that, you feel they are leaving the door open for something in the future? Is this the female equivalent of guy's trying to figure out whether "let's just be friends for now" means anything more than that?
I don't quite get what you're saying, but here goes nothing. As far as the "real" reason, I guess it would be exactly what you went on to say--it's not that the guy doesn't want a relationship, it's that he doesn't want it with that particular girl. Of course, no guy will ever come out and say that; this is where the "excuse" comes into play. They guy will try to pawn it off on his own issues, real or made up, in order to spare the girl's feelings. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, since yes, it does hurt less than having someone say to your face that you're just not good enough to be their girlfriend.
And yeah, when guys say things like that, it absolutely gives us girls the impression that something might happen in the future. This is why I have several girlfriends who are stuck/have been stuck on guys who want nothing more than sex from them because he might "come around" one day.
As far as the whole "let's just be friends for now" line that girls love to drop, I would have to say that it's pretty much the same thing. Not always (I have friends who didn't like their bfs at first, but then fell for them) but usually. If I like you, I don't want to be your friend. I want to be your girlfriend, go on dates with you, have sex with you, the whole nine yards. If I say or act otherwise, it's probably because I don't like you but don't want your feelings to be hurt.
There are exceptions to everything, especially in dating. I'm just going on norms and what I've observed in both my own life and the lives of people I know. Every relationship and person is different though; that's what makes dating so effing confusing, right?
i am agreeing with Carly here. as confusing as guys are, and this is regardless of how often the guys here say they aren't because they ARE, there are some situations where you are best in the name of self preservation to take them at face value. if he told you he was ready for marriage, would you be questioning that? no. he is saying he's not ready for a relationship, so plug your ears to every other variable that is going on and happening around you and listen to those words, again, in the name of self preservation. he's not ready for a relationship. i don't think this horse is dead yet, but you are beating a horse into a race that he's just not all that into. leave the horse alone, at least for now. he may be ready for the race sometime down the road, but he is being honest with you now and you should thank him for that and go find a horse that IS ready to race with you right now. good luck.