.... is love, respect and affection enough to marry someone?
Pretty much the only reasons to ever marry someone.
... I have kids so I have to secure their future too with a good father figure.
Yes, you do, but not at total expense of your own happiness, or his.
Good job on eventually stepping away. Now get a grip and finish the job.
The jerk still has your heart and that ain't right. Why would you still love a guy who treated you like crap? You think that is all you deserve or something?
Right now you are not being very fair on the guy who has asked you to marry him, are you. Not going to tell you not to marry him, but I am gonna tell you that he must never know about this. Ever.
Wake up. Before you hurt someone else besides yourself.
My advice....the married man was exciting because he is off limits. He doesn't truely love you if he is married and treating you badly, so my guess is it is an infatuation at this point. Because you can't have him he seems "better" than an available man. If the new guy is so great, why is he not married right? WRONG....married guy will NEVER make you happy, cut all ties and move on and treat your new man with the respect he deserves. It is high time that these douchbags learn it is not OK to treat women this way (including his poor wife who probably loves him), and men with good morals start to get the respect for being REAL men that they deserve. I know...used to date a real tool....thought I wouldn't get over him... been married to a wonderful man for 15 years...so glad I finally came to my senses.
Good reply.., what she said!
Ouch..., What if he asks?
Lie. There are some truths that don't need to be shared. She may never get over this asshat, but if she devotes the rest of her life to making it a happy one with this new guy and for him, then he never needs to know.
no, i wouldn't say lie actually. i agree he never needs to know but if it does happen to crop up or leak or something, start off with "ok, listen, i didn't tell you for obvious reasons as i was hoping to just leave this in the past. i made some really bad choices, but also some really good ones, you being one of the good ones." or something like that. i dont think lying to cover up lying is a good thing at all. lying is never a good thing. i'm one of those people though that wants the truth no matter how much it hurts because the lies used to cover 'em up always sting way more and the hurt lasts longer. lies almost inevitably always get discovered in one way shape or form.
He won't.
She told Guy Speak, maybe she told a few friends that too. Let’s hope they can keep a secret. It would be tragic if they couldn’t.
No. You're messing with another woman's husband? And you think he treats you bad? WHY would you even be surprised. He's cheating with you on the woman to whom he made a vow to forsake all others. And you're helping him violate that vow as well, you're now poison to other women. You're dangerous and they cannot trust you around their men. The other "other nice loving man" who for some reason wants to marry you deserves far better.
Cheating is always wrong, but if Guyspeak is any indicator - a LOT of people do it. It's very likely all of us know and care about someone who has cheated or is cheating. It's never right but it's not as uncommon as we want to believe.
This woman is trying to get over her married lover and in her case trying to make a life for herself and her child. Sounds like she could actually make it work with the "other nice loving man" provided she "loves, respects and has affection" for him as she describes... Anyone who has ever tried to get over someone can relate here. And loving a married man is the stupidest and most foolish situation any woman can put herself in - it's got to be hell - as he was never available to begin with. No idea why smart women do that to themselves but I am rooting for her to move on...
Of course he's a Jerk. Dah! He's married and got involved with you. There was absolutely no future there.
thank you so much Mystery Man.. I am the initial poster..
there is slight correction, I meant to write >>> IS Affection & Respect enough to marry someone??
(love, the kind I felt earlier, is not here with the nice loving men)
also the married man is separated from his wife for many years, living in two different countries actually they are. He proposed marriage as well. but he is generally callous, forgetting occasions and getting too busy with work for weeks.. we do love eachother, but he lacks a sensitization to women somehow.
anyways, I am thankful for the answer, and I will not breathe it out. :-)
that's why one asks on anonymous boards, when the question is too uncomfortable to be asked around.
the loving man does not deserve this, I care and respect him and am going slow with him. If I feel that I can truly commit I will, till then he and I are going smooth but uneventful.
am I wasting his time, I probably am.. :(
but he says he is fine with me as long as we are in a exclusive relationship.
again the heart & head fight- where is the median line the combines both?? exasperation is setting in.
PS: i can live with callous, absent minded loving of the first man by virtue of how much I love him, but I cant imagine putting my kids through it, thats why I want a caring person who stays home and loves family gathering etc.
that is one big reason. as is obvious.
OK, I woke up my Mom for this (well, she woke up, wanted a cup of tea (you can take the woman out of England, but not the English out of the woman) and asked me what the hell I was still doing up after a busy day - typical Mom stuff).
Her words: "Honest Affection and Respect are more than enough for a successful marriage. Love gets absent minded after a while, affection and respect never do. Now go to bed!"
Don't think she meant the last line for you.
Love is good - I'll not knock it. Marriage needs more.
:-) @ T-break
makes perfect sense, now I know from where most of your 'wise' answer come. ;-) .. God bless Moms
I would think the sweet guy would have a possibility with you if Mr callous, absent minded wasn’t around. Give him a chance…
thanks silksly. I agree completely, now the real test is to put it in practice. I have not been answering Mr. Callous' texts and calls, hopefully gradually he will forget the whole deal. hopefully I will too.
Just remember to keep an open mind. Often love grows from friendship, so don't close yourself off to this possibility, but please always be honest with nice guy, he deserves that. Mom was right... respect and affection are integral to happiness. Love changes over time but these are always necessary for any human to feel valued. Best Wishes for your future,
Leave the nice man. Break it off with him. Now! You neither love him nor respect him, and dumping him is the best thing for him, and for yourself. It sounds like you are using him to raise another man's kids.
Your heart is with the jerk, that's where you should be. I can't stand women who claim to want nice men, but still date jerks. You love jerks, you want to be with a jerk. Leave the nice man, so he can find a women who is in love with him, will want to have children of his own with him and not raise other men's kids.