You loved him, huh? Then if you loved him then he deserves a second chance. This is why love sucks. Of course, there are no second chances for those who are physically abusive. This is the Tina Turner clause.
He got drunk and transformed into Fin-garr the Molestor. You freaked out, because he was a creepy perv, and because you probably didn't appreciate his expressing affection in such a date rapey way. Not romantic. In fact, awkward turtle.
Now here is a question: you "loved a real jerk" for six years. We're you dating? Involved? What was the nature of the relationship? Was it largely unrequited? Were you not together because he was a jerk? Okay, that was a multitude of questions. There are a lot of holes in your story that, if filled in, I could offer more advice.
But if you two had a connection, then cut it off due to a gross impropriety, and are now reconnecting, I say pursue it with caution. Everybody can change, even if not everybody does.
Wow, Player, I didn't expect you to have such a healthy respect for romantic love.
More info on your past relationship does seem necessary...
Sounds to me like this "real jerk" just wants to get back in to your life so he can start getting "handsy" again. Don't trust someone based on a few emails. Heck, don't trust anyone based on a THOUSAND emails. It's very easy to lie and deceive with text-based communication.
If you really want to give him another chance, I say take it slow. VERY slow. I'm talking about going to some public places a few times a week. Nothing involving alcohol, and definitely no going back to anyone's house or apartment.
Pfffffffffft hahahahahaha... This is hilarious, he's a metal head too. ARE YOU HIM??? Wow that'd be awkward. I am once again reminded of Sartre. And I am now once again reminded that I don't want to be one of those philosophy kids who is all pretentious with their knowledge... so moving on.
To be honest I asked the question because I was getting kicked in the ass by my friends who think it's STUPID for me to just be talking to him at all. I don't see us moving past this emailing stage, because really... we've moved on. Most of what we talk about now is university, and he seems like to be having a hard time at it, so we talk about fears and the future and stuff. Which is amazing to me because during the time that I actually felt for him we would go between flirting and him sending me sarcastic one-liners.
So in a way we are closer than we ever were because I'm pretty sure he's never talked about his feelings to me, and I feel it's because we don't know each other anymore, and I'm practically a stranger who he is unburdening himself to. So I'm interested in making this friendship work, I mean he was a huge part of my heart for years and years, it'd be sad to have it end unresolved. I think this distant friendship is a sort of resolution, even if we are just like two strangers.
But yeah... my friends are really very against it. I was upset for a very long time, and I can't really say that I DON'T have any feelings for him anymore, but I don't know if I do either. Sure he sometimes shows up in dreams and sometimes even fantasies, but so do some other guys who I felt less for and probably will never see again. So, they're afraid I'll start becoming obsessed, and will end up hurt. Again. Because apparently people don't change, and getting handsy is a heinous crime.
I honestly think it'll be fine, but now I can point to John's answer and say: This guy thinks it'll be okay too.
We're not THAT rare these days, you know ;) But, as a precaution against any bias against my brothers in metal, I'd like to apologize to you on his behalf to show that not all metalheads are jerks... all the time, at least.
Anyway, sounds like you've made a decision about where you want this new relationship to go, and it sounds like he's going along with it. Hope it works out well!
Thanks. Also, I am biased towards metal heads. I think it's the whole manly man thing. They're like... the height of masculinity. It's attractive.
That being said, I also have a thing for gingers, guys with glasses, and teachers.
I'll tell you a secret from the older woman perspective....people can/do change if they want to. But the caution line is correct - there's no need to rush, right? Feel everything out, be honest - brutal, brutal honesty is best - and see where the friendship takes you.
If you start to have feelings again, stop and talk. And then move on if they aren't returned. Too many amazing men out there to miss out due to unrequited "love" (really - one just passed you on the street and another just made the left when you made a right). Or have no feelings and enjoy the friendship. And the amazing men.
I think you All are crazy to give this woman such heinous advice.
Jess-please-claim your own life!
And I don't mean to "just" get some self-esteem, but that is a GREAT place to start. Your friends are right to begg you off from him. They care about you and don't want to see you with "a real jerk". They also don't want to see you raped. Again. This "handsy" shit is denial.
And if you think he won't do it again, you need your head examined. I am saying this as compassionately as possible. I am on your side. Just think about it for a sec. If one of your close friends, or sister, or aunt, or whomever came to you and told you about how this guy had treated them--what would you say? Would you want them to knowingly place themselves in abusive line of fire--at all--never mind with your supportive blessing? It is ludicrous.
And you know it.
This guy has already shown his true colors, and statistically, these colors are the LEAST likely to change.
Ask yourself what you want out of your life. Who you want to be, where you want to be. Get clear on that. Then DO things that actually supports what you want.
There are great guys out there, ones you can be really happy with. Ask yourself what you want out of your relations with men. Ask yourself what you Don't want too. When you find yourself with a guy or liking a guy or become infatuated with a guy that puts you down, belittles you, is too pushy, or gets "handsy", RUN THE OTHER WAY with no regrets!!
You don't need it, you don't deserve it, and in the end, it is never worth the price You pay.
Get help during the weak moments, you'll live, it will pass, and you'll be rewarded generously in your life for treating yourself with some dignity and respect.
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