Yes, it's understandable. You work for the FBI and he's applying for a job, right? No? It's just your boyfriend? Then do not ask him to submit to a background check. In fact, I'll save you the money. Go here. Put his name in. It will give you all you need to know.
How long have you been dating? Why are you suddenly so worried? Does he act suspicious? Have you been burned in the past? Is it just the fact that you met online? I've got news for you-- you're just as likely to meet a psycho at a bar as you are on the Internet. People meet online every day. You will be fine. Feel free to Google him, or use one of the many public search databases to make sure he doesn't have a criminal record. Other than that, relax.
For the record, this is different than asking him to take a STD test. That is a reasonable request that any guy should do for his girlfriend. I can't imagine that any guy would be comfortable with submitting to a background check from his girlfriend. It shows a lack of trust on your part. This is you saying, "I think you might be a criminal and/or have bad credit. I don't trust you, so I'm going to treat you like somebody who is applying for a job instead of someone whom I've been dating for some time and consider my boyfriend." Are you going to make him submit to a drug test as well? If he loves you, he'll probably agree to whatever you want, but this seems overly harsh. Why risk hurting your relationship just because you and your family are afraid of the Internet?
At the very least, you should be willing to submit to a background check in return. If your parents are making you do it, tell him you'll do it as well. Why don't you just ask him to meet your family? Or, you know, ask him to tell you about his past. In detail. Tell him you're worried about meeting people online and want to know more about him. Do this before you ask him for fingerprints and a urine sample.
If you're just worried because you met him online, relax. It's 2010. Many, many people meet online and live happily ever after. Every relationship, whether it starts online or through a random meeting at a dog park, takes a leap of faith. You learn about each other through good old-fashioned communication. Or, you know, Facebook.
How long have you been dating? Why are you suddenly so worried? Does he act suspicious? Have you been burned in the past? Is it just the fact that you met online? I've got news for you-- you're just as likely to meet a psycho at a bar as you are on the Internet. People meet online every day. You will be fine. Feel free to Google him, or use one of the many public search databases to make sure he doesn't have a criminal record. Other than that, relax.
For the record, this is different than asking him to take a STD test. That is a reasonable request that any guy should do for his girlfriend. I can't imagine that any guy would be comfortable with submitting to a background check from his girlfriend. It shows a lack of trust on your part. This is you saying, "I think you might be a criminal and/or have bad credit. I don't trust you, so I'm going to treat you like somebody who is applying for a job instead of someone whom I've been dating for some time and consider my boyfriend." Are you going to make him submit to a drug test as well? If he loves you, he'll probably agree to whatever you want, but this seems overly harsh. Why risk hurting your relationship just because you and your family are afraid of the Internet?
At the very least, you should be willing to submit to a background check in return. If your parents are making you do it, tell him you'll do it as well. Why don't you just ask him to meet your family? Or, you know, ask him to tell you about his past. In detail. Tell him you're worried about meeting people online and want to know more about him. Do this before you ask him for fingerprints and a urine sample.
If you're just worried because you met him online, relax. It's 2010. Many, many people meet online and live happily ever after. Every relationship, whether it starts online or through a random meeting at a dog park, takes a leap of faith. You learn about each other through good old-fashioned communication. Or, you know, Facebook.
This is CRAAAAAAZY... wow. If you were that concerned with online dating safety, perhaps you should've stuck to more traditional forms of meeting guys. I would be seeing major flags if someone who called me their SO asked me to submit to a background check... oy!!
Oh, and I loved the "Go here."
Love ya Nick, but I don't think that DOING a background check is bad, just don't tell him you're doing it. (it gives him ample time to try and clean up any questionable issues, or time to make up a story).
I am mid 40s, so when I meet someone my age online, I "assume" that if they say they have their life together...they DO. However, intuition is your best friend sometimes, not to be confused with INSECURITY.
I'm a successful, confident person, but I thought my 6 month relationship with this guy was good, no obvious red flags...just thought he was "open and communicative" and not afraid to share his feelings when he was coming on stronger, and suggesting we live together.
I had a weird feeling, so I did a background check and found he had declared bankruptcy 2x in the past 5 years and had a DUI on a suspended license for not paying parking tickets.
OK, so he's not a bank robber or murderer, but it confirmed the irresponsibility factor that I had seen in other areas, but dismissed as paranoia.
In summary, my peace of mind was worth every cent of that $39.95.
Sure, meeting someone online is no different than meeting a stranger in a bar, but it is a lot different from meeting someone through friends. I suspect this person would do a background check on "random bar/dog park guy" too, but not on a friend-of-a-friend's-cousin who she could get info about through the grapevine.
I dunno, I think the compulsion to do a background check means there is something unsettling or shady about the person, like goodkarmagirl said. There is something that doesn't sit right, and you're not able to figure it out through a network of mutual acquaintances. You could argue that you just shouldn't date someone who unsettles you, or you could cover your ass and say that you should know that the guy who unsettles you might have stolen your social security number when you took a bathroom break. Just sayin'.
Haha thanks Nick :) I submitted that question in hopes that you would answer it just the way you did. I honestly don't feel the need to get a background check done on him. It's more been pressure from friends & family who are extremely worried about me dating someone I met online. We're actually planning on living together in a few months and I just wanted to ask the question and see what kind of responses I would get. For the record, I did Google him before even asking this question. He's clean ;) ... I trust him b/c he has never given me a reason to not trust him. I love him & that's exactly what I'll do. Trust him.
If you have an uneasy feeling about him, then do a criminal check on him, he does not need to know. My sister met a man on plentyoffish who turned out to be a sociopath, right now he has at least 9 different children by 7 different women (that we know of), he has been arrested for domestic abuse and various other minor violations and does not pay child support for any of his children. My sister had a big court battle over custody of her baby with him. He tried to kill my sister and he baby by removing three lug nuts from a tire from her car but we could not prove to police that it was him. I am not joking or exaggerating. There are internet predators out there and some are very good liars and good at charming women. Your family may be seeing something suspicious about this man that you do not see because you are blinded by him. I never liked the man my sister was with but I could not pinpoint exactly what was wrong with him. At the very least, do a criminal record check on him and do not combine your finances or give him access to your bank account information. Good luck.
Here's the thing Jess:
I don't have an uneasy feeling about him at all. The only reason I considered doing a check was b/c family & friends want me to be safe. And I understand where they're coming from, since we did meet online & I don't know him from Adam. Other details that may help: he doesn't live in the same state as me & there is a woman he had a child with that keeps emailing me that he is a criminal. Do I take her as a crazy or potentially helpful? Her stories always change in the emails.