If you want to be his "non-sexual" friend, then you shouldn't hook up with him. It sounds like you don't know what you want, which is adorable if you're the quirky, lovelorn, and conflicted lead character in a romantic comedy who can't decide whether she should give her heart to the dashing Lothario or the shy, quiet computer nerd.
But you're a person, and so is he, and your inability to keep what you want straight has probably cost you a friendship... at least for now. I'm afraid this advice comes to late. He's not talking to you because he's either hurt that you hook up with him, then push away. Or he's sick of not knowing which you is going to show up at any given time.
I usually suggest hooking up with friends. If only because a relationship is a friendship with orgasms. Getting involved with someone who started out as your friend is the best possible foundation for a relationship. Friendships are giggles and trust and watching Hulu and eating pizza. A relationship is giggles and trust, and watching Hulu and eating pizza, and taking showers together and having sex on the kitchen floor.
But you didn't know what you want. So, pretty much, you screwed up. You'll only get him back as a friend once some time has transpired. He does't know it, but he needs a rebound. Heal his bruised ego. And then once he's over you, then, maybe, the two of you can hang out again. But it won't be the same. That's the thing about life: we're always changing. Evolving. Growing.
And people either grow together or grow apart.
Next time, don't do that which you don't want to do, repeatedly. Who knows what the future will bring, Until that point, lesson learned? LESSON LEARNED! Onwards.
Ugg, I try not to date guy friends. I swear, I've got my guy friends like neutured (or however you spell that) in my brain from being attracted to me cause I never see their crushes coming. I don't want to lose a friendship. I figure if we met, were single, and didn't get together... then it was probably for some good reason.
A lot of my guy friends (and I do love them) talk about ladies in such a way that i would never want to be the center of certain conversations they have about them. They judge all the girls they hook up with, and make fun of pudgy girls, etc. I'm not pudgy at all but I just don't want those critical eyes on me! And yes, I do tell them how hypocritical they are for judging girls they hook up with or whatever.
Also, and I guess this seems like a silly reason, but i seem like a "good girl" but I do like to get crazy in bed. I would just feel unconfortable having sex with a guy who would probably turn to all the guys I know and tell them dirty stuff we do. I like to introduce my boyfriends to my friends later.
Well, all I have to say is this: don't hook up with guy friends, you prob will end a friendship or you wont know where you stand with them.
All I can see now is that she manages to heed your advice and keep the friendship THEN ... he finds someone and THEN she discovers that she was in love with him all along. Isn't that how it goes in the movies? I have the feeling, though, that the ending in this saga won't be as heartwarming. No matter what happens, you're better off taking it as a lesson learned - you should have learned yourself before entangling someone else heartstrings. Next time, know what you want and be upfront about it. Tough lesson but no one ever said life and love were easy. Good luck.
Its annoying that he "needs" to find someone else to hook up with before he can resume his friendship with her... Talk about wanting everything your way... It just goes to show that some people will turn coat on you the minute you decide that having sex with them just ain't worth ruining the friendship...
So, you are advocating that he be able to turn off his feeling for her like a light switch. Go from immediately wanting more than just a friendship with her to just being friends despite her wishy washyness.
So essentially, instead of it being about him, he should totally dismiss his own emotions and make it all about her.
Bullcrap. It is his life, he gets to do what he wants. Just like she just did. She screwed up, she reaps the consequences. Whether you like it or not.
You can't live your life hostage to the feelings of other people. Just because someone wants something from you and it would be nice you you gave it to them, doesn't mean you should.
Geez. The OP said they hooked up, not that he pursued her romantically. It's not like they went out for a romantic dinner or anything. If he really wanted her he would/should have actually taken her out instead of just to his bed. It sounds from the question that it was a hook-up situation that went akward. She shouldnt have to wait for him to bang someone else for him to treat her normally. I agree eith Vee. Barely speaking and acting coldly is so immature and passive aggressive.
I think we forget that guys can be just as sensitive as we are and can be extremely hurt by perceived rejection. (And to him, this is definitely a rejection.) Time to make new friends and let go of the old -- at least for now.
"A relationship is giggles and trust, and watching Hulu and eating pizza, and taking showers together and having sex on the kitchen floor." So true!
I decided to give my 'friend' a chance, and we are now head over heals in love. We have almost been together for a year, and know that it didn't happen initially because the timing wasn't right. Its true you can't force anything, but if you don't give it a chance, you will never know
I'm the original poster and I think my question was read the wrong way, since I had limited space to explain our relationship.
He likes another girl. I was fine with that - I was always fine with him liking other girls because I just didn't care, it's not my place to be upset.
When we first hooked up, I refused to say that it happened because I didn't want to get mixed up with his business. But we hooked up again ( shame on me and my needs...) and it just became a very easy friends-with-benefits. He would pick me up, we'd hang out, hook up and drop me back home.
He never liked me that way! We always talked about the girls he liked and we told each other point-blank, this would never turn into anything. Which I was fine with because I'm not interested in dating and he has too much of a guard up for me. He told me straight up, that I "had the PERSONALITY of the girl he would like...", which, let's be honest, means I don't look the part. I was okay with that.
Now we barely acknowledge each other - I've given up on trying to talk to him, because he only talks to me in class when he can make cheap remarks like "oh yeah, like a certain girl who talks too much..." which is really childish.
Unfortunately, I still want to be his friend because I don't have many guy friends that I can talk with so honestly (and no one seems to appreciate my banter the way he does), but I don't want him thinking that I'm just trying to resume our previous relationship.
Does that make sense? Or am I writing another really bad romantic comedy?
I'd go with John's advice and just calm down the relationship (whether friends or otherwise). He's acting like a big baby and there's no reason to put yourself in that situation.
If you just can't stay away, try calling him out on his shit. Tell him that he's been a shitty friend, and ask him what his problem is. Like you said, you're friends, talk to him like one.
I'm glad you replied, I was reading these answers thinking wtf has no one answered her question... You want to know how to tell him you want to be friends without him reading furter into it thinking you're in love with him. I totally get it and it's hard because everyone is different. I like the reply from betty. Go with the flow of normalcy, talk to him like normal & be like why are you dodging me? I miss chatting with you.
I'm not sure on how or if it's good (i'm not a guy) but maybe mention his new girl or something, letting him know you know & are not interested in persuing him might calm him down.
You could maybe even ask him if you're still cool, are you still friends? You appreciate being able to talk to him and miss it. just make sure not to hint at sex at all and maybe he may open up.
I don't know I would ask guyspeak for clarification lol
What a weird dude. If he didnt think you were attractive, he wouldnt hook up with you multiple times. Maybe he developed feelings and is trying to deal with them? That happens sometimes. Usually when guys start acting super strange something is going on....
How true, Rach! The gentleman I share a casual "friendlationship" with acts weird ... often. I'm not blind - I know he has feelings for me. I also know that he is having a terrible time dealing with them. Sadly, we are both in places in our lives that are not conducive to us sharing an all-out relationship (finances, elderly parents, his children, etceteras). It's hard for both of us, as I have feelings for him too. But, getting back to your point, men are linear thinkers and tend to react logically. Since their brains are wired so much differently than ours, they behave weirdly when their hearts throw monkey wrenches into the mix and force them to face emotions. And ya know what? Age is irrelevant - he's 53 and still gets flustered.
I am in the exact same situation, so I know where you are coming from. He and I have been friends for a few years and he just got divorced last year. We hooked up shortly after and dated for awhile before going back to friends (the sex part stopped) However, last week it happened again and he had kept it from me that he was dating someone else; which in turn made me the other woman. Our relationship is very confusing now because neither of us really knows what we want. I don't want to ruin our friendship by trying a relationship but at the same time I think it would be worth a shot. I haven't actually talked to him about the situation but I want to. I just don't know how to bring it up. All of our mutual friends have noticed the change in our relationship since we dated, but we didn't tell anyone and people are pointing out our "tension" more than ever. I just want to be able to talk to him so we can figure it out, if we ever do.
So this hits close to home for me but I'M SOOO LOST IN WHAT TO DO... Reformed Player says he needs "space" and a "rebound" so does that mean, I immediately stop texting him (we communicate via text messaging). I haven't heard from him since we last hooked up. I know it may sound pathetic or archaic but do I meet with him to tell him I've decided to stop hooking up with him but would still like to be friends (in which I do, we used to hang out before) or do I drop him like a bad habit and dont contact him? It's been about 48 hours since we last text.
What a lovely day for a 3334766! SCK was here