Sorry, but it sounds like you could stand to be knocked down a peg on the ego scale. These guys are putting themselves out there, contacting someone without a profile photo, writing to you, and you insult them? I admire them more for having the guts to put their photo out there and reach out to you. So you didn't hit it off? Maybe they--wait for it-- thought you were arrogant and were turned off. Or maybe they met someone else. Whatever the case, there's no reason to put them down to make yourself feel better.
Why bother with online dating if you're not going to post a photo? Most men won't contact a profile with no photos. They'll either think your profile is fake, or assume you aren't active on the site. Do you contact guys without a profile photo? And why are you worried about people you know seeing your photo? If someone you know sees your profile on a dating site, that means they too are on that dating site. Who cares? If you're really worried, every dating site has privacy settings for that sort of thing.
Here's what you do:
1. Read my blog post about taking the perfect online dating photo.
2. Post a photo. In fact, post a few photos. You're not going to get anywhere by dipping your toes in the online dating pool. Dive right in and commit.
3. Notice how you suddenly get many, many more responses from all sorts of men once you've posted a photo.
4. Write to several guys. Send messages to both attractive guys, and ones who are both attractive and seem like they might be able to carry on an interesting conversation. Take a gamble and write to the ones who maybe aren't the hottest, but seem nice, funny, and interesting.
5. Respond to guys who write you (even the ones who might not be "the hottest things" if they seem nice or interesting) quickly.
6. If you start to like a guy, move things offline as fast as possible. If he isn't asking you out after a few emails, move on. The faster you meet in person, the sooner you'll know if you're compatible. Nothing kills a potential online relationship faster than constant emailing and IM-ing before you've actually met.
7. Keep your chin up. Online dating takes effort and an open, friendly attitude about meeting new people. You may not meet your perfect guy right away, but giving up because a couple guys stopped emailing you is a surefire recipe for failure.
Clearly confidence isn't a problem for you. What you lack is persistence and stick-to-itiveness. Also, ask yourself if your arrogance is a turn-off. Some men may fall for it, but most quality guys will be turned off. You seem to think because you're attractive, you don't have to work for love. Everyone has to work to find love. Those guys you deemed uggos are working for it. So why can't you?
Why bother with online dating if you're not going to post a photo? Most men won't contact a profile with no photos. They'll either think your profile is fake, or assume you aren't active on the site. Do you contact guys without a profile photo? And why are you worried about people you know seeing your photo? If someone you know sees your profile on a dating site, that means they too are on that dating site. Who cares? If you're really worried, every dating site has privacy settings for that sort of thing.
Here's what you do:
1. Read my blog post about taking the perfect online dating photo.
2. Post a photo. In fact, post a few photos. You're not going to get anywhere by dipping your toes in the online dating pool. Dive right in and commit.
3. Notice how you suddenly get many, many more responses from all sorts of men once you've posted a photo.
4. Write to several guys. Send messages to both attractive guys, and ones who are both attractive and seem like they might be able to carry on an interesting conversation. Take a gamble and write to the ones who maybe aren't the hottest, but seem nice, funny, and interesting.
5. Respond to guys who write you (even the ones who might not be "the hottest things" if they seem nice or interesting) quickly.
6. If you start to like a guy, move things offline as fast as possible. If he isn't asking you out after a few emails, move on. The faster you meet in person, the sooner you'll know if you're compatible. Nothing kills a potential online relationship faster than constant emailing and IM-ing before you've actually met.
7. Keep your chin up. Online dating takes effort and an open, friendly attitude about meeting new people. You may not meet your perfect guy right away, but giving up because a couple guys stopped emailing you is a surefire recipe for failure.
Clearly confidence isn't a problem for you. What you lack is persistence and stick-to-itiveness. Also, ask yourself if your arrogance is a turn-off. Some men may fall for it, but most quality guys will be turned off. You seem to think because you're attractive, you don't have to work for love. Everyone has to work to find love. Those guys you deemed uggos are working for it. So why can't you?
Nick’s right, you’re probably hitting up guys with pics on their profile. It’s only fair to have one yourself. Nobody wants to go though the added step of giving out a private email anyway. Seriously, you can hid your profile if you’re all that worried. It’s not that big of deal to date online.
(hid=hide)
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I don't get how she's being egotistical or insulting them. She thinks she's pretty because people have told her so. She didn't say "I'm ridiculously hot." Everyone should be allowed to believe they are pretty. And all she's saying is for these guys to turn her down based on looks seems weird because she's not chatting exclusively with male models.
While I agree, online dating without a profile pic seems overcautious; it's her choice. Obviously guys are still willing to initiate contact. I would add one just to eliminate being part of the step where they make their choice based on looks. (by the way the problem might not be with you specifically but rather with the kind of photo you send. Or your "private photos only" policy might imply pr0n and they're obviously let down by seeing you clothed.)
I agree with bl. I'm sure you don't mean it, but the private photos sound like they're naughty ones. I'd take Nick's advice and put a nice shot of you smiling. Having your photo in you profile will probably help you, rather than hinder you.
I agree, this is a little harsh. She isn't coming off as remotely egotistical -- in fact, her self-confidence is hurting because guys stop talking to her when she shows them a picture! I also feel like if she was full of herself, she'd probably have photos for all to see in the first place.
I agree though that she should post a few cute photos, but I don't think she needed a lecture about her "ego".
I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm just saying it's unfair to insult those guys who she didn't hit it off with. How is that any different than a guy going, "Whatever, she's ugly!" when a girl turns him down? It's not a good attitude to have, particularly when she has barely committed to online dating. There's no reason to be entitled and expect men to flock to her, particularly when she doesn't even make the effort to post photos and has only talked to "a couple guys." They weren't interested. On to the next one. But she won't get anything out of the dating site if she doesn't put in the effort and has the defeatist attitude of "I'm hotter than these guys. Why did they stop emailing me?"
Guys are just so more visual than women. Put a pic up & hide your profile. The only person who can see it, is the person YOU write. Nobody is going to write a faceless profile anyway.
Good advice. You should always post photos on a dating profile. Most men will not contact profiles without photos, just like women rarely contact guys who don't post at least one photo. If she's that worried about someone she knows seeing her on the site, change the settings so that only people she contacts can see her photo.
Wow, Nick. This is one of the knee-jerkiest answers I've ever seen from you.
There was nothing in this question that indicated arrogance. The lecture was totally unnecessary. My first assumption was that this somehow stirred up old memories of a time you got hurt, and you put yourself in the place of the guys she "insulted", and got uber-defensive.
So what, is she not allowed to make personal judgments about people's attractiveness? Is she not allowed to have opinions? Is she not allowed to think she's pretty? That's "arrogant"? We ALL find some people attractive and others unattractive. Pretending otherwise is stupid. It's not a crime to not be attracted to someone. And she's indicating that she was giving chances to guys that she wasn't especially physically attracted to. That sounds like the opposite of arrogance.
If I were talking online to a guy who was a 6, and I in my mind am, say, also a 6 or maybe a 7, and he flees when I send a picture, I'd be hurt too! Common sense! Who wouldn't?
Seriously. Next time a question bothers you, go take a nap or cool off for a couple of hours, then come back and answer. Or get someone in a rational state of mind to proofread your answers first.
Well, it's coming from a man's perspective. Didn't the asker want that?
I don't know, going "These guys aren't hot. Everyone tells me I'm hot. Why aren't they into me?" is a bit egotistical. What if they weren't into her for other reasons? There's no reason to insult those guys who got out there and put photos on a dating site, which is more than she is doing.
And to be fair, I gave her detailed advice about how to get more from the dating site. You cannot have a profile with no photos, only write to a couple guys, and expect men to fall at your feet. Appreciate the feedback, but I don't see the problem with a little tough love here.
Yeah, I agree, Nick. You answered how you saw fit, which is the whole point of this website. Sometimes I don't always agree with every aspect of every answer from you guys, but that's the thing--y'all are just a small group of guys sharing your personal perspectives, which is what we're all here to get. Some of these commenters just seem to get too touchy from time to time.
Plus, as you said, you did give her good advice about the sites. I mean, I really had no idea anyone would ever use a dating site and not put up a picture. I'm amazed she got any response at all. If I were on a site, and a guy didn't put up a picture, I would have to assume that he was either a fake account or just plain not taking the whole thing seriously.