Congrats on your weight loss. That is an incredible accomplishment. I know from experience that losing weight is a lot harder than people think it is, so kudos to you.
You say none of these guys would have given you the time of day 70 lbs ago. None of them? Really? How do you know? That is probably true for some of them, maybe even most of them, but you can't assume that of all of them. Maybe they would have, maybe they wouldn't have, but you never know for sure, so why not give them the benefit of the doubt?
I understand where you're coming from. You're still angry that no one gave you a chance when you were heavier. You're hurt that all they saw was a fat girl and rejected you purely on looks without knowing anything about you. I don't blame you -- people suck sometimes and need to be kicked in the head. But if you turn around and resent or reject guys because you assume they would not have liked you when you were heavier, aren't you doing the same thing they did? Aren't you rejecting them without knowing anything about them or what they might have done in a different situation?
If there are particular guys who ignored you or made fun of you and are now suddenly interested, sure, you can tell them to kiss your formerly-fat ass. They don't deserve you. But don't assume every guy who chats you up now would've rejected you before, because, like I said, you never know.
My advice to you is to work on letting go of all of that -- the anger, the resentment, the bad memories -- and move on with life. It's normal to want to retaliate against people who treated you badly, but holding on to that stuff is an unhealthy as carrying around 70 extra pounds. Yes, people can be jerks. We are human, all of us -- including you. (Now that you're thin, are you interested in fat guys?) For your own sanity and happiness, you have to put that stuff behind you. You lost the physical baggage, now toss out the mental baggage along with it.
If you need help doing so, consider seeing a counselor. When someone changes as drastically as you did, it can be difficult to reconcile the new you with the old you. I'm no shrink, but I think that some of the anger you're feeling might be residual self-loathing that you're projecting onto others. A therapist can help you work all that out.
Good luck, and, again, congratulations.
This is a great answer, Cary! Very thoughtful.
I think you need to help me with my problems now...
Boy, can I relate. I completely understand where the author is coming from, and Cary, you made a lot of good points. When I'm tempted to resent guys because I "know" they wouldn't have been interested in me when I was heavier, I have to stop and ask myself: If they were 50 or 100 lbs overweight, would I be interested in them? If I'm honest with myself, the answer to that is "no." We are attracted to what we are attracted to, and we cannot change that. We can try to learn to become more accepting of other people's flaws, but trying to learn to be attracted to a heavier guy when you just aren't is never going to happen.
In addition, I would offer that it may not be JUST weight-related. As the author must know, you tend to carry yourself differently when you've lost weight. You have far more confidence and a peppier attitude. It is quite possible that THIS is what is attracting new men. Have you ever seen an overweight person who truly seems happy in their own skin? I don't know about you, but I feel drawn to people like that in some way. If you're happier in your own skin now that you've lost the weight, there's a really good chance that others have noticed. Just a thought.
Cary,
You nailed this one. This is really, really, REALLY good advice. I hope the question asker reads it again to get the whoel scope of what you said.
She might not need a counselor after your advice, but it's definitely worth considering, I agree.
Emotional baggage can be *far* worse than physical baggage. It's amazing that she lost that much weight -- that's pretty damn awesome!
But, still, you're right. Judging the guys for their 'perceived' non-actions now is just self-defeating. And she's awesome, so there's no need to do that!
Very well said. Kudos, my man.
Well said.
I'm wondering if from a confidence level it may have changed the way she interacts with crowds and other people? Is she now letting parts of her she kept hidden because of a low self-esteem come out?
Just a thought.
CONGRATS, Question Asker...that's HARD.
I lost about 50 and had similar feelings.
Wow, Cary's note about "residual self loathing" is pretty right on...though we don't call it that to ourselves.
I am in a similar boat, and find that I sometimes have a huge chip on my shoulder that seems to weigh more than the junk in my trunk did.
Best of luck!
:)
One reason heavier people are a turn off is because it evinces a lack of self-respect and/or a sedentary lifestyle.
So, what's wrong with people liking you more when you're thinner? You're NOT the same person you were before. You're someone who has achieved something others have not, including your former self. You've shown discipline, moderation, etc.
I understand that some people are heavy due to genetic predisposition. But, the fact that you dropped such a significant amount of weight without surgery,etc, suggests you were fat because of diet or lifestyle or both. Why should someone find a poor diet and/or sedentary behavior attractive? Many don't. I don't.
Enough of this PC nonsense about weight. Obesity can, and often is, a reflection on your character. By losing so much weight, you've demonstrated personal fortitude I find admirable. Why would you deny yourself the accolades? Because you want to believe you weren't "unattractive" before?
The very nature of your question demonstrates that you were, in fact, unattractive before. Deal with it. And, be proud of your achievement.
Bravo to you...and The Wise-Ass...Hmmm, I wish i knew how she did it...
i definitely understand both viewpoints. my weight fluctuates and your answer hits the nail squarely on the head. i hope that she reads and adheres, especially about the counseling. i think that everyone can benefit from counseling. the emotional baggage can weigh us down until the physical bagage creeps back in.
I have to admit, I'm a slender, very physically fit woman and I probably wouldn't date a guy who was 70 pounds overweight. Call me shallow if you want, but I'm very involved in activities such as backpacking and rock climbing. They are a major part of my life and someone who is 70 pounds overweight would have trouble sharing in those activities with me. So, I tend to date people of a similar physical fitness level.