Well, if I know anything about child rearing, it's that having your baby hastily and against the wishes of your partner is a guaranteed road to success. Nothing says "Mommy and Daddy love you" like the old family chestnut about how you perforated your boyfriend's condom one night with a pushpin.
/sarcasm.
But seriously, I'm baffled by this question. It implies that your boyfriend wants to marry you, and yet while you want his sperm to create a human life inside of you, you don't want to marry him? That's the most selective commitment phobia I've ever heard of. That's like being afraid of flying but taking up skydiving into volcanoes as your hobby. Now, if you're reaching the age where it's now or never baby-wise, or if he's clearly just using the marriage thing as an excuse to postpone the baby, that changes my answer. But assuming neither of those is the case:
Babies are hard. Yes, a single parent can raise one, but why make things harder on yourself? If you want to have a child with your current boyfriend, and he wants to get married, set a date. You've got your whole life to get thrown up and shit on by a tiny person; no need to rush things because of an urge. Urges that end in bringing another human into the world need to be regulated by logic and reason. If you don't believe me, ask China.
And if all you want is a child, and you couldn't care less about your current boyfriend (as evidenced by the fact that you're willing to "find someone who can give you what you want"), then you definitely shouldn't have one. Babies are for people who have learned to be patient, control themselves, and plan for the future of their child. If your idea of planning for your child's future is to run out and get impregnated as soon as possible by [insert name of whoever you happen to run into here], you're not ready.
When you do have a baby, the first way it will learn will be by observing you. Kids learn to interact with the world based on how their parents interact with the world. Wouldn't you rather your baby see you as a confident, centered woman who moderates her impulses with prudence and maintains a healthy and loving relationship? I think there would be a lot more happy babies in the world if parents focused a little more on their own happiness and wholeness.
So until next time, be good to yourselves...and each other.
This was all that need be said: "Urges that end in bringing another human into the world need to be regulated by logic and reason."
You hit the nail on the head. Urge + logic + reason = happy family.
Signed,
A childless person who has taken care of a lot of other people's kids
My mother really wanted a baby and my Dad wanted to wait because they were still young (18, just out of high school).
She ends up pregnant with me. She and my Dad break up 2 years later because they were both miserable and stressed out with blaming each other for countless things.
My mother now lives in New York and my father lives in Toronto. I live with my grandparents.
Consider what you're doing before you decide to screw up a kid's life by being only concerned with what YOU want.
** and not even what your boyfriend wants.
Children aren't like puppy dogs, you can't just give them away when they get bigger and they're no longer cute and the thrill of having it is gone.
Aww, you can't do that with puppies either! ;) But you're right, children are a 20 years commitment minimum.
This question sounds like this person consider her boyfriend more like a sperm donnor than the futur father of her child. I hope that's not the case and it's just the shortness of the question that makes it sound that way. Because otherwise, it makes me sad...
Love this answer, and the way you balance your humor with a good dose of "what the fuck are you thinking??" Because seriously, you could have been even more harsh. The attitude behind this question is all kinds of wrong. She should not be having a baby right now. Nuh uh.
Buy a puppy!
Wow, that is a strange question. Probably the time that would need to be invested in finding a new boyfriend who loves you enough to want to spend the rest of his life either with you and/or any future children, is more than it would be to actually marry a man who already loves you and wants to marry you.
So yeah, marriage! Kierkegaard says marriage "is the most important exploration man can take" (which is weird since he was celibate his whole life.) Unless the lady asking the question is against marriage, or doesn't want to spend her life with her current boyfriend, then yeah. Move on, but not to 'get what you want', because that's a rather selfish way to look at things, move on because you're not on the same page with your partner, and maybe you never will be.
As an aside note: All I know about marriage I've learned through the successful marriages of every married couple in my family, and not through experience. And the montage from Up (which I just watched and am still teary about). That's legit, right?
What I really want to know, is how old is this chick? and is she completely insane?
I can understand if you are older and you have your life together, and then you want a child, but this question sounds like it's being asked by a younger girl that is in a real big rush to grow up(kind of like those lifetime movies that should all be called 'Nobody loves me so I'll just have a baby')
Before you even think about getting married and/or having children, you better be sure you can take care of yourself, monetarily, physically, and emotionally. If not, then how do you expect to take care of your children, and, if God forbid something happen, your spouse as well?
That is the best statement I have ever heard. I know a woman who "accidentally" got pregnant with her ex-husband's child, and she secretly resents the child. He's getting remarried, she has no idea, and he's a dead-beat dad who doesn't want the two kids he already has. Trust me, be with someone who wants to be with you, and have children because you can provide for them, and not because your clock is ticking.
awww...Swaaaaim!
Oy Vey. Try saying this really really loud with great conviction: I LOVE MYSELF. Do that until you believe it. Then see if you still want that baby.
You are really weird and need to see a psychologist right away. Also, please send the exact question you posted to your b/f. He really needs to see what you wrote. It speaks volumes about what you really want and the person that you are.
It seems obvious to me that you are not concerned about who fathers your baby just that you get one. You are trivializing life and making a baby seem like a new toy. Maybe that is what it is to you. Either way, please let him know that it doesn't matter who inseminates you only that you want sperm to fertilize you and some unsuspecting bloke to pay for your new toy. It's amazing how the laws support your insanity. In another era, a woman like you would have been stoned to death. Lucky you are to live in these times.
I doubt you will find a man to father your child. Maybe a moron with no drive but to pay for your whims and fancies. You are the epitome of modern trash.
I have the same problem. Except i don't want any one else. He says he wants to get married and do it right but when I say I want to get married he says no. We're engaged. We've been engaged for a while now. A good while. So far it hasn't changed and I feel like it won't. What do i do? :/
Hi I am 22 yrs old and my boyfriend is 34 I have pcos and I haven't been trying to have a child but I would love to in the near future. My boyfriend has a 9 yr old I kinda Fe rushed for time he hasn't said he wouldn't have a kid with me but I want one soon I don't know how he would feel if we waited till I was like 27 or something he would be pushing 40 I already kbi its gonna be hard for me to concieve hell I've only had 2 periods lol idk Wat to do
Hi I am 22 yrs old and my boyfriend is 34 I have pcos and I haven't been trying to have a child but I would love to in the near future. My boyfriend has a 9 yr old I kinda Fe rushed for time he hasn't said he wouldn't have a kid with me but I want one soon I don't know how he would feel if we waited till I was like 27 or something he would be pushing 40 I already kbi its gonna be hard for me to concieve hell I've only had 2 periods lol idk Wat to do