Did you make a mistake? No. And yes. More no than yes. Like 90/10.
To demand something might not have been the best approach. I don't know how strongly you demanded, but I tend to lump demands and ultimatums in the same undesirable basket. That basket is Things To Which People Don't Usually Respond Well Because No One Likes To Be Told What To Do Or Bullied Into Doing It.
If you had said you asked him to stop seeing her, I would say you're blameless, because you are absolutely right that this little habit of his is ridiculous. Six to twelve dinners a year? Just the two of them? Oh hell no. Your ex comes to town, you take her to lunch, not dinner, and you give your current girlfriend the option of accompanying you. But first you ask if she is okay with it. You don't ignore her for days while you're playing Remember When? with a former lover. That's just not appropriate.
So, no, you weren't mistaken to be upset about him doing this, nor were you wrong to want him to stop. You just might not have taken the best course of action by demanding he do it. But that happens; maybe you asked first, he resisted, tempers flared and it was downhill from there. Requests become demands in the blink of an eye when you're pissed off and hurt. A minor mistake, though; as I said, you're more than justified to make a stand about this.
You don't say how long you two were together, but this doesn't seem like the kind of thing that should break you up for good--unless he has a habit of doing whatever the heck he wants and not caring if it bothers you. The fact that he sees her this much in the first place is a red flag in my book; if, on top of that, he refuses to bend on the subject, then you're better off staying split and finding someone who knows the meaning of consideration and compromise.
Thanks for the question.
she is an ex for a reason..., or she she an ex?
I was the original poster. We had been together nine months. He told me before we got together they had been over for a year and she was graduating and leaving for another state and he'd never see her again. For the first visit, we were just dating, not officially a couple - she was just out once to tie up some loose ends, she was staying at his place (separate beds) so I said I didn't mind, I trusted him.
For the second visit, when we'd been a couple about 7 months, he told me two days before she arrived and what was supposed to be one dinner turned into two, then three, days changed, etc. During the second visit I expressed concern, told him I didn't like it at all - didn't like him canceling (yes, canceling!) plans with me to see her more than once in the same weekend. He told me he'd see her when he wanted to the next time she came, but later he apologized and told me next time he'd plan better and juggle better and etc.
When she arrived the third time and he told me he couldn't make plans with me all week (even ignoring both of our standard date nights), I tried to be OK with it, to trust. But as I was heading to class that night I saw him and her leaving his building to head to dinner, (he lives on campus) and all my red flags went up. WTF was she doing in his room? Things he had said weren't adding up...not exactly dishonest, but they were manipulative.
After her visit I told him what he told me in the beginning and the current reality were two very different things, and I didn't sign up for this. I told him I didn't like the idea of him spending intimate time with another woman, or being shoved aside while he did it. He said he could completely understand that and he asked me what I wanted and I said "I want you to stop seeing her." He told me he'd think about it, and two days later he said he was "unwilling" to accommodate my request, and it was over. Then he immediately went to being "chummy" and saying he wanted to be friends, he wanted stay in touch with me, could he still come over and say "hi" to me in the cafeteria. I told him no way - I told him it would compromise any future relationship I might have if I were to spend the weekend going to dinner with him every time I was in town (duh!). Also, I can't be real true "just" friends with someone if I'm sexually attracted to them. He says he never lied, he wasn't being dishonest, he hasn't done anything wrong. Today was the first day I've seen him since the break-up and he came right up to me and put his hand on my shoulder and said "hello." I thought I was going to throw up, it was so hard. I kept trying to decide whether there's any hope left for us at all...but I just can't live with this, and he's not backing down.
Thanks for the advice, Wise-Ass...I appreciate the reality check. I just couldn't tell whether I was being way unreasonable if they were really just friends...but this would be a tough pill for any woman to swallow, especially since he turned all manipulative when she came to town. He really was perfect in every other way and I really loved him. Damn, it just really really really really hurts.
Manipulative IS being dishonest.
A guy, who will break up with you to keep the ex, isn’t a guy you want in your life. Now he wants to have you around like he has her around. So suspect & very selfish to say the least. Walk & don’t look back….
I'm sure it does, and I'm sorry. If it's any consolation, the details you provide here only confirm that he is absolutely wrong. I also agree with you that some of the things he has done are very fishy (separate beds, my ass). Others are just plain rude.
You were not being unreasonable; sounds like you handled it perfectly. He's the one being unreasonable. He's basically saying that what he wants is more important than what you want, even if it hurts you, and he repeatedly chooses his ex over you.
Don't waste another minute on a guy like that. He's not perfect, trust me.
Think of it this way: You said he could see her occasionally or be with you always, and he chose her. The guy isn't worth your time. I'm not even sure he's really over her yet. I could understand it just being friendship if he wasn't canceling on you to be with her. You can see where his priorities are right there. Yeah, the break up aftermath will suck, but you deserve better than this guy. And kudos for being honest about not wanting to stay "chummy." :)
I was the original poster. We had been together for nine months. He told me before we started dating that they had been broken up for a year, and that she was moving out of state forever, never to see her again. I had expressed concerns during an earlier visit, but at the end of her third visit I told him I didn't like it. I was seeing a pattern of manipulation and things that weren't adding up. I told him that what he told me about never seeing her again and the current reality were very different things. I told him I didn't like him spending all this intimate time with her and being shoved aside for it. He said he could completely understand and asked me what I wanted. I said, "I want you to stop seeing her." He said he'd think about it and call me. Two days later he said he was unwilling to stop seeing her, and broke up with me.
We talked a couple of times since then, and he claims he was never dishonest, doesn't remember telling me he'd never see her again, didn't like my "ultimatum." He keeps saying he doesn't understand why I broke up with him. But he says he still wants to be friends, keeps trying to be chummy. Suddenly I feel like this guy who was the perfect bf is suddenly playing games...or has been playing games all along.
Thanks for the advice, Cary. I appreciate the reality check. He was acting like I was being all unreasonable and felt bad about being accused of being dishonest and so I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. But this would be hard for any woman to accept, and I can't accept manipulative game playing. I'll get over him.
It hurts now but years from now you will be proud of the way you handled yourself it this situation... and draw strength remembering how strong you can be...
LMAO!!!! "Bitch better back up off my chicken" tag CRACKED ME UP!!! Thanks for the laugh, WA!
LMAO!!!! "Bitch better back up off my chicken" tag CRACKED ME UP!!! Thanks for the laugh, WA!
(P.S., how come most of the time when I try to post a comment it never works? Like, the "submit" never goes through and it just stays on the page. I can RARELY get my comments to post, and I dooooon't understaaaaand why.)
Oh....weird....I see now (after checking on my phone) that both posts actually did go through (sorry for the double post). Maybe I need to refresh?
Original poster here - you guys are awesome. I so appreciate all the strength and reassurance from Cary and all the people posting and I am feeling way stronger and more confident about my decision today. The pain and confusion are totally gone. I love love love love love this website.
Also, "bitch better back up off my chicken" is hilarious.
About you saying he was "perfect in every other way"--I can relate, girl. Things just ended between me and a guy who was perfect in every way, except the fact that he "didn't want a relationship anytime soon." Well, "any time soon" is too long for me to wait. Point being, when it comes to relationships, close doesn't count. You can't /almost/ love someone, or /maybe/ want to be with them at some point. It's in or out, at least in my book.
Eventually, you'll find someone who things just fall into place with, without any signs of ex girlfriend drama.
He's inconsiderate and selfish--and that's far from perfect. Everything is about him. HE wants to see her whenever HE wants to and doesn't consider you at all. HE wants to stay friends and HE wants to take up your free time despite the fact that HE wanted to break up with you.
Be glad you're not together. No matter how "perfect" he is, you can do much better, and with someone that won't drop you for a whole week when some ex comes into town.
P.S. Cary is awesome!
Sounds like you did all you could reasonably be expected to do. He was being unreasonable. Rule #1 of living in a society is being reasonable, but staying with him, justifying his unreasonable-ness would be an unreasonable thing for you to do. You deserve to be with a reasonable person who will interact with you reasonably.
Sound reasonable enough?