Great answer, Cary!

Having been in a similar situation myself, it’s difficult to determine the right time to tell a significant other about past sexual abuse. A past boyfriend sexually assaulted me in one incident several years ago and, like you, I wasn’t sure if it was sexual abuse or assault at all. I didn’t want to “make a big deal out of it” or seem like I was overacting by telling anyone about it. But like Cary said, I didn’t ask or give consent for what he tried to do, and the experience took an emotional toll that took several months in therapy to work out.

As I’m sure you are, I was scared of how that experience would affect my relationship with other men. To be honest, I’m not sure I’ve figured out the right time to tell someone but I think it comes when you trust that that person will accept it as an experience that you didn’t ask for, but one that has made you stronger nonetheless. If you think your boyfriend would be judgmental or not understand, I would hold off.

Your uncle touching you in a way you weren’t comfortable with was an act of abuse and is not an incident to be brushed under the rug. It’s so important to work through and move past that experience in a healthy way, and I think the first step is to talk to your family and a therapist or counselor about it. You won’t be able to comfortably tell your boyfriend about it before you’re secure with it yourself. Best of luck!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Naming abuse for what it is makes such a difference, and making it clear that the victim is NEVER at fault is vital. You're absolutely right about abusers, too - it's very unlikely she's the only one. My uncle molested quite a few of us before the truth came out - long after he was gone. One of my cousins committed suicide; others of us have dealt with addictions and/or relationship problems. Whatever the effect on the family may be, the truth needs to come out - both to protect others, and to start the healing. Your advice to talk to a therapist, friend, or family member is right on target, but the bf should be included early on in the process. A women's center or rape crisis center will have a list of resources she can go to, and they'll keep all information confidential.

The writer doesn't say how serious the relationship is, so it's a tricky spot. If it's an exclusive relationship, she should tell him - as calmly and as honestly as possible. Any good man will be understanding and supportive, not judgemental. If it's a more casual relationship she might want to wait a bit, but in all honesty I'd advise against keeping it from him. A close friend of either gender can be invaluable, but men bring so much more that helps a survivor overcome. I've heard it said that a loving, trusting relationship with a man can be a survivor's greatest resource. It was absolutely true in my case. I carried that pain for decades, and it wasn't until I shared it with my bf (now my husband) that I could begin to let it go.

Bless you, Carey. You done good. :)

I agree agree agree. Speak with your family. ESPECIALLY, as Carey said, since this man is in your family. God forbid he did this to anyone else, but if he did, imagine what he/she/they must be dealing with also...and how.Of course you should tell your family for your own well-being, but when family is involved, it is hard not to think whether or not your uncle has done this to anyone other than you. You should trust your family enough to tell them this, and when you do, no matter the outcome, saying something is a whole lot better than keeping quiet. It further victimizes you by stifling your voice. You have a voice, so denounce what your uncle has done.

I remember feeling ashamed when I was molested (not a family member, which kind of makes it worse since I didn’t speak up while there was still a chance for the creep to be jailed). I thought I did something wrong and that it was my fault. It wasn’t. And though no one brings this up ever, the shame I felt came from the fact that what was being done to me felt good. What was I to know about erogenous zones? I was what? 7 years old? Of course if you touch here, caress there, it will feel good, but I was a CHILD who was not supposed to experience those types of emotions yet. But it was not a welcomed pleasure, by any means, hence the shame and guilt.

I have since learned to view my abuse in a different way, in a more constructive way, which had a lot to do with me getting therapy (as well as involving my family members in family therapy) to process and deal with it. When it comes to relationships, however, I do not notice the repulsion as I once did. I must first trust the person I’m with in order to allow certain advances and it is a struggle, but one I have gotten better at managing. I would only tell your bf if it’s serious/committed/exclusive, you trust him, and you want him to understand why you may be a bit apprehensive about anything sexual, if that’s the case. But seriously, you should consider letting your family know first/at the same time. Good luck and WE SHALL OVERCOME!

I still havent told my grandmother...and dont plan to unless I feel like he is continuing...and even then, I might just cause him tremendous bodily harm and still not tell her. I told my mom who told me I was lucky that it wasnt rape so dont whine, I warned all the younger females in my family and I told my aunt (his daughter). I feel like I did my part in helping to prevent him from doing it further.
I am concerned for my neice as she lives with an uncle who in my mind is dangerous to her sexually, but at this point, still dont know what to do about it... I am over the incident with me, I never felt like it was my fault, or that it would prevent me from having decent relationships with guys, I knew that he was in the wrong..and in my eyes, mentally sick.
I told my bf not long after we got together because we got pregnant and I was telling him in case we had a girl (which we did) that he was never to leave her alone, even for a split second, with certain members of my family and I feel like the conversation brought us closer.
Now, keep in mind that at that point, we were really seriously involved with each other and it wasnt just dating...so I was comfortable telling him. You (the op) may not want to tell him, but I'm willing to bet that if he really loves you, he will become a means of support in the matter. He will be more understanding if you have trouble being intimate with him as well.
Please know that you are not alone in the matter! You are in a league of thousands (maybe more) of women who were sexually abused. You do need to talk to someone about it though babe, even if its not every member of your family or your bf...you need to talk in order to start healing.