Well, if you're going to take away my most powerful negotiating tool, don't expect a miracle.
As a comedian, my first impulse is to suggest a farcically convoluted sitcom-style faked death or "forgotten twin" scenario. Do you have a wacky neighbor or childhood friend who coincidentally looks just like you? No? Wow, you're really leaving me no options here.
Okay, so no blowjobs and no hi-jinks. I'll assume you also want to get out of this relationship sometime soon, since you're being as difficult as possible. That precludes the old "be obnoxious until he's forced to dump you" routine, which is a shame, because it's rather fun for you and entertaining for those around you.
Guys don't do subtlety well. Even if they pick up on a hint, they tend to not believe it or overanalyze it until it's totally meaningless. The only real way to make a dumping stick is to say it flat out: I'm dumping you. We are breaking up. We will no longer see or interact with one another in a romantic capacity. All good options.
You're never going to fully eliminate the sting of rejection. HTFU and know that if you're going to break someone's heart, you're going to send some splinters flying (thank you Tracy Chapman). And unless you do it over Skype, you will be within that blast radius when it all goes down. That doesn't mean you shouldn't do it; just that it's never going to be totally painless for everyone involved.
Tell him the truth, including the fact that you care enough about him to not want to hurt him. It's just not working, and that's no reflection on his worth as a person.
Of course, he won't believe you...but that's when the handjob comes in.
Having just gone through this, I am in complete agreement with Master Swaim. Because I cared for her a lot, I didn't really interpret the signs properly. I was willing to explain away all of her bad behavior. The couple of times I called her on it, she would say things like, "I would understand if you wanted to no longer be exclusive", and I would say absolutely not, that I wanted to be with her. Basically, the more she tried to get me to break up with her, the harder I worked to make the relationship work.
Eventually, we broke up with her telling me how she has a lot baggage to work through right now, and she just can't be in a relationship with anyone. So, while she could be with me someday, she couldn't be with me right now. And she would love if we could still be friends.
I even pursued the friendship with her, assuming she was telling me the truth, and not just feeding me a line. Of course, that friendship experiment ended when she accidentally invited me to a party, where I met her new boyfriend, who she started seeing a month and a half before we broke up.
Basically, when one person really really wants the relationship to continue, there is no easy way to end it. But, the best way is to just end it clean, without leaving any opening to allow the hope of it to continue. It will hurt, but they can at least eventually look back fondly on the relationship. If you try to trick them to do the dirty work, once it is over, they will eventually realize what you did, and you will poison every memory they had with you. And, that poisoning can also affect his ability to trust again and cause him troubles in future relationships.
So, basically it's a choice between hurting him slightly, or hurting him a lot and possibly causing him problems with forming future healthy relationships.
I don't want to live in a world where hijinks have no place.
Wow Nathan, that was a way better answer than I gave.
You gunning for my job, punk? Because I will come down on you like 178 pounds of PURE HELL.
I am not gunning for your job ... of course not! HAHAHA! How droll!
Now, excuse me while I put the finishing touches on my Babylon 5 Rap (is it better to rhyme Sinclair with "huge pair" or "shaved hair"?), then I think I will start dieting (goal weight is about 180, give or take 2 pounds), dye my hair (maybe blackish and grow some sideburns), and find a new place to live (are you looking for a roomie? I think we could be such good friends).
People need to realize and ACCEPT the fact that once you enter a relationship (sexual or romantic) that there is inevitably going to be a point where you're going to have to be an asshole in order to do something necessary and good for the other person.
Yes, you will be hated at first, get over it.
Look at it this way: When you do the right thing you pay for it immediately and then you only have good things to look forward to after that.
Do the wrong thing and you'll get away with it now, but you will pay for it later with compounded interest.
I was dating a guy for almost four months and everything was pretty perfect until I realized we have no future (for many reasons including a significant age difference.) I told him that he's the only good part of my life at the moment since other areas are a mess. Then asked him if we should start introducing each other to people as boyfriend and girlfriend. He immediately, and predictably. said that we should "take a break." Works like a charm every time.
what does HTFU mean?
I've done this!
Here's how you do it:
Get clingy. Really, really clingy. Like text him EVERYTHING that happens to you. Stop lights all green? He needs to know. Eggs for breakfast? Vital. Forward him every glittering angel heavenly blessing send this to 80 people in 1 second email that you get. Forward him every news article (better if its all celeb gossip) that you read - at least 4 a day. Insist that he respond to everything. Within seconds.
Mystery is to men what romance is to women. There should be no mystery. Take the bathroom door off the hinges and fill him in on every detail of your hygiene regime, your thoughts, your girlfriends' thoughts (not the hot ones), and all the sales info you see. Discuss your ex-boyfriends' equipment and how this one measures up (hint: he ranks between Mike and Brad, but Brad had better hip motion. But he's learning! Good boy!).
Oh, yeah. Men want respect. So treat him like a toddler. Correct him, interrupt him, and try to dress him/coddle him/scold him in front of others. Especially the scolding.
Everytime a woman walks by, he looked at her with lust in his eyes. He did, you know. Tell him, angrily. If its a 90-year-old grandmother, all the better. Get angry. Chew him out for not loving you enough. An hour later, discuss with him why you think he might be gay. Do this often. After a week of it (assuming he's still there), show up with your VS catalog and ask him to help you pick out the cute negligee that you're going to wear for him (he will do so, sweating and shaking the entire time). Don't get mad then. Two days later, accuse him of wanting the girls in the catalog.
Constantly ask if he thinks you're pretty / fat / prettier than his ex's / prettier than that girl over there / prettier than that skank. Occasionally burst into tears, sob uncontrollably, tell him nothing's wrong - then after he asks often enough, tell him its because you know he thinks you're hideous and fat.
Tell him that his mother hates you. Criticize her. Roll your eyes behind her back when she's talking.
Stop dressing up. Wear sweats to everything. If you're really dedicated, stop showering.
Serious about this? Gain weight - guys are sensitive so no more than 20 pounds are necessary. If you're short, 5 pounds might do the trick. Continue to stuff your face in his presence. Talk about how you just lost 2 pounds so its ok - he'll be secretly horrified with how deluded you are.
Introduce him to every hot girl you know. Act oblivious. If he mentions anything, just laugh - say that there's no way a guy like him could get a girl like her. Privately encourage her to talk to him ("he's my brother/cousin/brother's cousin - he's a great guy, but a little too rich for my taste. And he's always trying to take me to Paris for company on his photography assignments. You should see the designer shoe/handbag collection he bought his ex girlfriend! She left cuz she said his **** was too big and it hurt.") Give her his email/phone/twitter info.
Only shave your legs and underarms - AT MOST - once every two weeks. Really dedicated? Stop altogether.
Once you're gross, hairy, and fatter, and he's terrified, its time for the final straw: BABIES!!! OMG!! You love babies! You want to have babies with him, like, now. Or you can try the "lets get married" thing (although if he's still around after all of this, that might not work). Then, if he's still there, call him up crying and say you have to talk (he'll breathe a sigh of relief, thinking its about to be over). Tell him you think you're pregnant. You're taking a test tomorrow. Cry, hug, go home. Don't bring it up again. Delay for a week - you just can't bring yourself to know! It's so scary. After a week, wait until he asks and flippantly say that it was negative, but it made you think how nice it would be to be a mother.
He should be long gone by now. If not, just wait until his parent is in the same room with you (and he's not) - get him alone and accuse him of allowing his parents to lecture and berrate you. Asking him to side with the monster you've become over his (generally) harmless and caring parents is almost always the final straw.
I implemented it all in two months because I was afraid of the stalking/physical threats I might get from this guy if I dumped him (took me 6 moths before to realize what he was capable of). It works. And after all that, he still called me crying and wanted to get back together 2 weeks later, so .... after he dumps you, NEVER answer your phone. Good luck!