This question may be unbridled bullsh*t, but it is factually and emotioanlly possible, plus on second read -- maybe it is legit. Who's to say...
So let's get it on (so to speak). This is likely a situation in which your primitive brain (the part that knows not ethics, social norms, etc) is stuck on something and is being bullied by your more modern brain parts. As you point out, one part of you knows it feels lust or attraction, the other part of you is reviled by this fact. You are in the middle -- bound to play a vicious game of good cop bad cop and in the process squeezing yourself out of having a full life, at least a love life.
I agree with you, there are some attractions that can't be acted on. Or rather they can, but only with the gravest consequences. I would also like to point out that you met this man when you were 12. At the very precipice of the "adult you". Maybe you were a late bloomer maybe not, but you were developing a sense of sexual identity at the very time you were taken into what I presume was a safe and loving environment. It is possible that your wiring sort of created an infatuation and sexual attraction when in fact you were just psyched to be surrounded by good, loving people.
It's probably critical to explore (with counseling) if there is merit to that idea. More importantly, if you can define the root of attraction you you may then have the road map to transfer your feelings of attraction to other, more suitable people.
If, If, If after a long time (and plenty of work) you still feel your life will be incomplete without acting on your attraction. Then, again, with a willingness to accept all consequences, I would have a conversation with this person, *But I can't stress enough, how this should be a last resort and only approached within the structure of counseling.
Good luck
Funny Guy
eesh. oh this is a sad one.kudos to you FG. I think you need a therapist sweetie, someone to help you sort this out. what i think is happening is that you just don't know what love is. not in the in love way yet, and i think that it stems to your childhood before you met these wonderful people. read Amit's words again and again. what happens in many adoptive situations when the child is adopted at an age like this is that prior to the adoption the child has been unable to form the necessary attachment bonds with a parent in the vital way that a child needs to develop successfully. love is a basic need on Maslow's hierarchy, and i think that one got skipped with you, at least for a while, so you may be subconsciously trying to meet that emotional need to "catch up" with what you think is true love, because of the age that you are at right now. I might be wrong, but a therapist can help you with this one. not working this through with a professional could have dire consequences on your future relationships. good luck!!
While I love what you had to say, I kind of winced at the "sweetie" near the beginning...sounded kind of patronizing. Heads up for future reference, I guess.
i use the term sweetie quite a bit, and never once have i meant it in a patronizing way. your little heads up, patronizing in and of itself, is neither going to change the way i communicate, nor relevant to the topic at hand. thanks for your thoughts.
She was right your use of sweetie is condescending and your response to her letting you know that was even more rude. To get so defensive over a pretty polite way of bringing that to your attention is silly. If you really were mature enough, age wise, to be throwing the word sweetie at everyone you meet you wouldn't get this defensive about using it. Whether you like it or not using words like sweetie, or hun, or pet names like that to people you don't even know IS condescending. The majority of people like myself and the other commenter do not like to be called that by anyone but our parents, grandparents or family friends and family members that are a lot older than we are. Thanks.
when you are named the official spokesperson for the majority of people, i might hear your words. until then, all i can think of reading this is the Doris Smith quote "arguing with a fool only proves there are two." so i won't.
Sorry Chrissie, but I am going to have to agree with the commenters. You usually have really good comments that are helpful, and I dont think you meant it in a condescending way, but the use of "sweetie" made me cringe when i read it. I have friends use is all the time, but that because we know each well. It's a term of endearment and should be used with people you are close with. Otherwise, it does come off as condescending.
I had a delivery guy who called me sweetie. I told him not to call me that and also followed up with my sales rep to let her know that was not appropriate. She tried to explain that he usually says "ma'am" but because I was young, he called me "sweetie". It still was not ok and made it seem even more patronizing. Needless to say, I am no longer on his route.
Oh please! I call people "sweetie" sometimes, too, and mean it as a term of endearment, not condescension. If you can't hear it any other way, that's on you, not the person who said it. Chrissie told you how she meant it; let's take her at her word and move on.
You are right, it is on me. And I told the guy it was not ok to call me sweetie. That right is reserved for my BF.
But, honestly Cary, would you use the term "sweetie" in a professional sense?
No. I understand your objection to the delivery guy. I'm talking about Chrissie. The reactions to her use of a single word seem kind of silly to me, and it feels like a gang beat-down (even though you were polite about it).
i know you didn't sneeze but.....bless you!!
I know this convo got a little out of hand but if the majority of people are saying they don't like being called a pet name by anyone other than someone close to them, you might want to just think about it, you don't have to change your behavior we were all just suggesting it was a bit much, there wasn't a need for her to get so upset about it, i mean on here we don't even know her anyways so her getting upset is futile. I love your answers on here Cary but I also agree that as a woman I also don't want ANY guy calling me sweetie or any endearing name unless its my mom or a serious boyfriend lol. It feels like calling someone an endearment is a privilege not a right. People who do that make me uncomfortable.
i said i wasn't going to argue with you, but i do need to correct you on some things. using the word sweetie IS my right, and not a privilege for you to decide when it is bestowed. it is called the first amendment in america, and referred to as freedom of expression in section two of the charter of rights and freedoms in my country. it isn't futile to get upset when someone tries to stifle that. it is a right that men and women have died for, and i have every right to defend it. as a writer, it is a right i truly thank god for every day. so, unless you own this website, or are paying me to print my content, or i am paying you to edit my work, you have no business telling me what i can say, when i can say it, or how i can react when you try to stifle my freedom of speech. since you appear confused as to why i got upset, if i got defensive, it was that right i was defending, and to me well worth what you perceived as an overreaction. as well, three people does not constitute a majority, i don't know why you keep saying that. i think it is a sad state of affairs when people get upset over the word sweetie, Cary used the word silly, I think that's an understatement. like i said, i made it known what my intent was. and like Cary said, how you perceive it, or my reaction, is on you, not me. best of luck to you.
Wow, sweetie, your reaction to a little criticism is very telling of your personality.
Exactly!!
The difference between when Chrissie uses the word and when you use the word is that while Chrissie was sincerely being nice and not meaning to be patronizing, you used it in an attempt to be antagonistic asshat. It's interesting to me to see you say that to her like defending her choice of words is "telling" more than that she feels passionate about her rights to say what she wants when she wants---like you're not being just as silly by attacking her and ganging up on her for doing so. I'd say that's pretty telling too, no?
yes, very telling. bless your heart, thank you!!
ah well, we have a difference of opinion. you all are entitled to yours, and i to mine, your approval isn't needed.
You are entirely right.
LOL Chrissie. I hate being called "sweetie", "hun", "dear" by anyone except my SO and probably a very select few people I am close to and I know personally. Makes me feel "small" and sometimes "stupid". Weird, but sometimes calling someone that, especially people you don't know personally is indeed condescending. Especially in instances you are giving advice. Almost like "I have the authority over you on this one."
That's just me.
But hey, you gave good advice as usual. And I won't go saying don't use tht word anymore for endearment or what now. That's who you are! Only that don't use it on me too, sweetie. ;p
LOL fair enough with you i will resist the urge despite how sweet i know you to be. please take that as the high compliment it was intended. thank you! : )
Daddy issues. You feel in love with a good man at 12, and continue til now. One advice honey, look out into the world! Stop thinking and having your world revolve around this figure and you will see that you can love another man romantically.
When you realize this with another person, the "love" you have for your adopted father will become clearer, in the sense that you will realize you have always loved him as a father and not romantically. The problem is, you just need to open your heart and love another person romantically.
Its not too late. We need to find a new love in order to make sense of the love we have already!
Maybe you're stuck because it feels safe and you're used to it. Part of the appeal may be that you can't act on it. You probably need to think about your whole outlook on men. If you met a guy you liked, how did you feel? We can usually get over infatuations by liking someone new. But maybe you are using your attachment to your dad to avoid relationships. There could be some deeper issues and loving your dad may just be a cover. Definitely seek counseling.
I was adopted when I was 3 days old and I have never had any romantic feelings towards any of my adopted family including cousins, and my brother who isn't my brother by blood. Because I was adopted so young I formed normal child parent attachments. My brother was adopted when he was 7 years old and the damage his parents did to him in terms of neglect are obvious to this day and he is now 31 years old and 4 years older than me. Him and I have a great brother sister relationship but being neglected when young does have a lasting effect and it is important to get help like therapy to deal with these unnatural feelings you have for your father. Rationally I think you can see that your feelings are wrong, that you are supposed to feel towards him how any child feels about their dad. Therapy isn't scary and it is an awesome thing. Think about it this way, you go to a person who is unbiased, they listen to how you feel and you can get things off your chest, they help you sort out your feelings and get to a place where you could be in a normal relationship and be happy and content in your life. Now what is scary about that? The alternative is to be unhappy and confused your whole life, isn't therapy worth having a good life? Worth knowing who you are and feeling like a whole content person? I guarantee your feelings you have towards your adopted dad aren't in fact real, they unfortunately are a symptom of what you went through before you were adopted. Please get some help sorting through your feelings, and I am so happy you were adopted by such a loving family I hope to adopt a child some day to give thanks for my wonderful parents who adopted me :)
I have to jump in here too...and say please seek counseling. There are many wonderful therapists who specialize in pre-teen and young adults. You are at a tough age, and also in a difficult situation. Honesty is so important, so if this is the first step for you, congratulations.
I know things may seem confusing right now, but a therapist will definitely help you sort through your feelings and help better understand how to translate them into what they really are. Don't be scared, there is a healthy way to deal with this, and people out there to help you.
Good luck.
omg your adopted dad is a pervert! how sick he wanna have relation with u!! that is disgusting I wanna puke!! how typical of all men! all disgusting creeps! getta way from that monster fast! run and call police! so sorry this happen to u!
haha did you even READ the question? It just said she had feelings for him she hadn't acted on yet. He didnt' make a move on her whatsoever. Why comment when you can't understand the problem?
Oi. Don't care if you're trolling or not. You do not imply that about my father. Either read the question or shut it.
While I try not to get distracted by the tangents in this thread, i hope to add something valuable as well. I bet this love, as was mentioned earlier on, is indeed something created from the sense of love and safety that was given to you at such a delicate age. He's probably a wonderful man, and I imagine he showed you much love and made you feel safe and maybe even special. It's when we're very young that we are suppossed to be able to naturally learn boundaries with eros love (sensual) and agape love (pure), and if you didn't get that chance due to what your life was like as a child, it will be more difficult for you now. If you can identify what is true about this love, while being incredibly grateful for it, you can get started toward then strengthening your seperating the two loves. And you will definitely need to find some wonderful help, as you shouldn't try to do it alone xo good luck and much love to you!
I would like to add to provgal's comment, many young girls when asked who they want to marry when they get older respond "my daddy". This is completely acceptable because they have a safe person that they know isn't going to intentionally hurt them. I know as being a father myself that I want the best for her and know that she is learning and growing about life. Marrying someone who appears , sounds or acts like a father happens all the time and is often the measuring stick she will compare future boyfriends against. You should focus on allowing your father to be your father and understand that he cannot fill the role of eros love. There are many good men out there that can fill the eros side of your needs, your father only wants the best for you, you'd save him a lot of concern if you dealt with these thoughts without him on your own.