No, I don't think that's wrong.
Consciously or not, we all approach relationships with our own particular needs and biases that are formed by our individual life experiences up to that point. For example, someone who grew up in a loud household where everyone screamed at each other might seek out a soft-spoken mate. An only child who grew up lonely might prefer a partner who has lots of siblings. Someone who grew up an Army brat might prefer a mate with a similar nomadic background. We all have criteria that are important to us.
In your case, the need is financial comfort, and as someone who also grew up poor, I get it. The problem with that particular bias is that it comes with a stigma attached-- the gold-digger label--even though I don't consider you one. A gold-digger is someone so desperate to marry money that she'll jump on the first guy that comes along with a fat wallet, regardless of whether or not she loves him. (Think Anna Nicole Smith and that dude who was, like, 250.) I don't get that sense from you; all you're saying is that you would prefer to marry someone with a bright future who can provide for you and your family. In my book, that makes you pretty normal.
I want to throw a couple of caveats at you, though. One is that you will have difficulty finding many guys your age who are already financially set, so unless you intend to date much older guys, you are limiting your dating pool significantly. Second, you should keep in mind that financial comfort is a fickle mistress. I know a lot of unemployed bankers who would have looked like a sure thing to you a couple of years ago. You cannot predict the future, so picking a guy based primarily on financial promise is a dicey proposition. If you marry for money, what happens when the money disappears? What else is left between you?
My point: it's fine to want financial stability, but not at the expense of love. Hopefully you can find both in one neatly wrapped package, but love often appears in unexpected places. If you fall head over heels for a college dropout who tends bar for a living, will you reject him--and your own heart--because his financial future seems bleak? It's not wrong to have criteria for a mate, but I still believe that the best criterion of all is someone who makes your heart smile, your knees buckle and your loins quiver. When you find that person, he may or may not be successful, so don't be surprised if you are someday faced with a choice.
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Thank you, my friend.
Excellent answer, Cary!
If you only date men who are financially stable, you're bound to fall for one of them! As someone once said, "It's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one."
I encourage you to make sure you can provide for yourself -- without a man. Being able to support yourself (and anyone else who comes along) can give you a tremendous amount of self-confidence and a sense of security.
As someone who has had to make the choice of money versus love, I wish I had taken my own advice.
Thanks, RGR. Good point about being self-sufficient regardless.
Fantastic point. I've been struggling recently with a wonderful relationship with a guy who treats me great but is flat broke most of the time. I've had it fairly easy up to this point in my life (still living with my parents at 23 cause I don't make enough to move out, no loans, bills, etc.) so it's sometimes hard for me to see what he's really going through and understand.
But that last paragraph about finding someone who makes your heart smile and all that was spot on. It really put some things into perspective for me. This guy I'm seeing is one of those types that I think doesn't come around too often. So I'm sticking with him, regardless of his financial situation right now. We've got lots of time to figure things out. So thanks!
I agree with Cary that there are other things that you have to factor in as well...my dad is fairly successful and his job has always come first before his family (yes, he was only there for the first half of Christmas every year). I've always understood the importance of him being able to provide for his family and I'm so appreciative that I don't have to work while going to school, but his lack of physically being in our lives as ruined the relationship with my 2 sisters. Money may seem important now but I really hope you find a man who has the same values as you for your children's sake (if you do want children). Just thought I'd let you know as the product of a financially wealthy marriage and divorce. P.S. There's many examples of this in movies, such as Nights in Rodanthe with Richard Gere's character.
I think it is more important that someone live within their means, than what the amount of their "means" is. If you can live simply, then you can live happily.
While I agree with Cary for the most part there's one thing I've learned the hard way regarding 'marrying for love'. I'm a romantic, and I could live in a shack with a wonderful relationship. BUT after 17 years what I finally had to acknowledge is the REASON he wasn't a financially 'well-off' person was because he was totally unmotivated and uninspired to do anything other than JUST GET BY...ie: survive. Kinda makes it hard to have that 'wonderful relationship.') So my encouragement is to not look for the money, but rather the ATTITUDE TOWARD LIFE!! A go-getter! A person who looks at life as possibility and is willing to move forward and out of his comfort zone to make stuff happen. Thats how the money will come :)
Brilliant answer and very well said.... and Po No Mo, i dont think u are a gold digger either.. i think you are completely normal... i would just like to add, on behalf of all the guys ur age (im 25), that we are hardly settled in life, most of us are just starting our careers, but we are definitely itching to get somewhere and be someone of significance.. that said, i would say that go for a guy who has dreams (not the insane, head up in the clouds kind of dreams, but the honest, "i shall achieve so and so" kind of dreams).these dreams should be combined with the ambition and drive to make it happen...
My thoughts are that she needs to be able to provide for herself. Just because you grew up poor doesn't mean you need somebody else to rescue you. You can, however weed out the guys that don't have a good work ethic. But, take responsibility for your own success.