Yikes. This one is a loaded gun. Okay. First off, you should know that what your so-called friend did is wrong. Some might even call it rape taking advantage of someone who is under the influence. Even though he didn't know you were drugged, he still had sex with you instead of looking out for you. The fact that you don't remember what happened is bad. He can be embarrassed about it all he wants, but that doesn't change the fact that he screwed up royally. Just wanted to make that clear.
If he really cared about you, he would have taken you to the hospital. At the very least, he should have let you sleep it off and stayed with you to make sure you were okay. I'm assuming the guy is not an idiot and can tell the difference between drunk and drugged to the point of blackout. A real friend would have realized that something was wrong and not taken advantage of you. There is a visible difference between being wasted and being slipped a roofie. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Clearly your feelings for him complicate the situation. I suggest that you talk to a therapist or counselor--someone who is an impartial third party and is trained in dealing with date rape--before you talk to the guy again. Talking to a professional will help you process your feelings on what happened.
I'm sorry if this isn't the answer you want, but this bigger than "I had sex with a guy I like while drunk." I can't in good conscience tell you to forget about it and pursue a relationship with him. Whether he was drunk or not, this guy has to be called out for his actions. At the very least, you need to talk to a friend, family member, or someone you trust before you go back to being friends with him. That said, I don't think this is someone you really want in your life. A longtime friend should have your well-being in mind first and foremost. He should have taken care of you. If he actually had feelings for you, he wouldn't have waited until you were doped up to sleep with you. Clearly he just wanted to have sex, and the fact that you were in a bad state meant nothing to him. Consider his actions before you move forward with him as a friend or more.
If he really cared about you, he would have taken you to the hospital. At the very least, he should have let you sleep it off and stayed with you to make sure you were okay. I'm assuming the guy is not an idiot and can tell the difference between drunk and drugged to the point of blackout. A real friend would have realized that something was wrong and not taken advantage of you. There is a visible difference between being wasted and being slipped a roofie. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Clearly your feelings for him complicate the situation. I suggest that you talk to a therapist or counselor--someone who is an impartial third party and is trained in dealing with date rape--before you talk to the guy again. Talking to a professional will help you process your feelings on what happened.
I'm sorry if this isn't the answer you want, but this bigger than "I had sex with a guy I like while drunk." I can't in good conscience tell you to forget about it and pursue a relationship with him. Whether he was drunk or not, this guy has to be called out for his actions. At the very least, you need to talk to a friend, family member, or someone you trust before you go back to being friends with him. That said, I don't think this is someone you really want in your life. A longtime friend should have your well-being in mind first and foremost. He should have taken care of you. If he actually had feelings for you, he wouldn't have waited until you were doped up to sleep with you. Clearly he just wanted to have sex, and the fact that you were in a bad state meant nothing to him. Consider his actions before you move forward with him as a friend or more.
Don't think roofies were mentioned at all in her question!
If she was able to have sex, be apparently conscious, but not remember any of it the next day then that's roofies.
She was drugged. Maybe it wasn't technically roofies, but she was still "roofied" in the sense of being slipped a drug without her knowledge. When you don't remember anything that happened, it's usually Rohypnol.
Or he didnt know she was drugged, came onto him and had sex, only to find out the next morning that she was drugged and didn't remember any of it. Or we could just skip straight to the rape accusation.
No one is saying that. I'm saying he should have taken care of her, and perhaps this isn't someone she wants to pursue a relationship with.
Even if she told him it was ok to have sex and he could have all the money in her bank account, if she was drugged then she's not responsible for what she agrees to in that altered state of consciousness. He raped her. Its rape to have sex with someone who's drugged, its the law. It the same deal with a minor. Doesn't matter what they say....its rape.
Since you brought up the law, the legal definition of sexual assault ("rape") in Las Vegas, Nevada under NRS 200.366 is when a person "subjects another person to sexual penetration, or who forces another person to make a sexual penetration on himself or herself or another, or on a beast, against the will of the victim or under conditions in which the perpetrator knows or should know that the victim is mentally or physically incapable of resisting or understanding the nature of his or her conduct."
It is only rape if he knew or should have known she was not only drugged, but incapable of saying no or stop. If on the other hand, she did tell him it is ok to have sex with her, then he is fully in his legal rights to do so.
Also this whole idea that it is morally wrong for a friend to try to bump the relationship up is ridiculous. The guy is probably is embarrassed because of the fact that while he probably thought it was a good night and a memorable night, the fact the next morning she doesn’t remember a thing pretty much would kill any guys ego. To throw a rape accusation on top of that would just traumatize the guy who could easily have done nothing wrong. If he did not drug her, or force himself on her when she couldn't resist whether physical or mentally, then he did not rape her. Her memory after the fact is not the question, but her ability to understand what was happening and her ability to refuse at the time of consent.
I have one final thought on you comment. “If she drugged then she’s not responsible for what she agrees to in that altered state of consciousness.” Based on that logic, she could get into a car and run into a person, and it would not be her fault. But that is not the case. If you in an altered state of consciousness and get into an accident, your still at fault. The fact of the matter is if you capable of agreeing, you are also capable of saying no.
Fall over drunks, passed out people, or obvious drugged out people should not be taken advantage of, but before you go out and call rape just because you can’t instantly recall what happened, find out the full details of what happened and how the night progressed.
Yeah, doesn't matter if she demanded he screw her on the spot, if this woman was drugged and on the brink of unconsciousness, she is not able to give her informed consent to have sex. Of course though, when a woman comes on to a guy- which is YOUR presumption and there is nothing in the original question to suggest this ever happened- he just must comply.
That's too bad Nick shied away from calling this rape and edited his (really rather perfect) response. No gray area here. This is textbook date rape. However, when the question of sexual assault against women comes up, it's par for the course to question the alleged victim's motivations and intentions first.
Or he didnt know she was drugged, came onto him and had sex, only to find out the next morning that she was drugged and didn't remember any of it. Or we could just skip straight to the rape accusation.
But, yes, we shouldn't throw that word around. I've updated the entry.
Ummm, do you really believe that a "long time friend" wouldn't know or notice that his good friend was drugged? Do you really think this guy is that oblivious? And why do you assume she came onto him? The LW didn't state who initiated the encounter. This sounds like blaming the victim to me.
this was an excellent answer.
...that's what you get for waking up in Vegas!
Seriously, though, that's frightening. I hope it works out for the best...?
Thank you, Nick, for your perfect response. Having been in a very similar place to the OP back in college, it took me a long time to process what happened. Your straight-forward description of what a true friend would have done is something I'd have loved to hear from some of my friends at the time. Honestly, it's still good to hear/read even though it's about someone else's situation!
wtfk, thats terrible story... for sure she needs professional help... This may sound silly but I think she has something called Stockholm Syndrome, how can you still looking for some kind of relation with a guy who did something like that?....
Ok... you both were friends before you went to Vegas....there was and is obviously some attraction still there... so what you had sex...once...
The guy acted like any guy would, happy that his hot friend wanted to have sex. He was not able to gauge exactly how you were feeling. Give him a break. You can let it ruin your friendship, or you can do two other things. Drop it, get over it, stay friends and move on, or you can become lovers. Those three choices are yours to make, and you should probably apologise to your friend so he doesn't hate himself after you blamed him.
Dear "drugged in Vegas"...Your story was painful to read. You posted October of 2010 and I am writing this Jan. 3. 2011. Hopefully you have received the help you needed and were able to get your questions answered by a therapist. Your 'long time friend' was not a friend at all. Your story reads the way many 'date rape' stories read. Predatory drugs are easy to get and extremely easy to slip into the drink of an intended victim. Since you were 'long time friends' he most likely knew you would never suspect him or name him as a 'rapist.' This is how they work. This type of betrayal is one of the most heinous and difficult to process and recover from. I know this from personal experience. He probably acted 'embarrassed' because now he is no longer a friend...but a rapist. Can't be easy to carry around that name. Thankfully, with the right counseling and intensive healing work, you will recover. HE...he will always be a rapist.
I am hoping that by the time you read this he is a distant memory at best...because he is certainly no friend. Prayers to you. This is becoming an epidemic because this type of rape...where the victim is rendered helpless and no force is required...leaves a victim always wondering and questioning and blaming herself. What happened...maybe by now you can tell us...that is how you will know you are healing. If you can call it what it was...I could go on and on. These drugs remain in the system for a VERY short amont of time. By the time a victim even suspects she was raped it is often too late to forensic analysis. :( As a society we need to become less tolerant/ignorant of this type of horrific crime. What is the difference between homicide and rape?? One victim can still walk.
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