Shit. it doesn't matter if he is single, married or your goddamned father. Rape is rape. And that shit is not acceptable.
OK, I can see why you are reluctant. Let me guess - one part what is the boyfriend gonna do to two parts shame, right? Damned stupid, but also totally human.
First things first - you report this asswipe. Not to your boyfriend - to the police. It is too damned late for physical evidence, yes, so it is his word against yours. You know your word carries as much weight as his, right? So get the scumsucking twat reported.
OK. Deep breath and calm down. Sorry, I ain't shouting at you, I am shouting for you.
There are somethings that a guy just doesn't get - this is one of them. I don't know the words to use. I can not. All I can say is use the same technique that is always used for bad news: one word at a time.
But tell your boyfriend you must. You owe that to you.
I would definetly say something to the boyfriend. he needs to know what kind of creep he's friends with. start with "i need to tell you something, Its hard for me to talk about and It'll be hard to hear, I need you to listen and I need your support..." It'll be awkward for you, I've been there, I know. I had to tell my brother what his friend did to me. then you have to prepare yourself for a lot of possible reactions, shock, disblief, anger, guilt..
as for the police, you need to report it before telling your boyfriend. even if the police can't do anything. the report will be there. If he does it again, and another girl reports it... well that won't look good on his part because now It's two girls words against his.
You also might want to find someone in the community to talk to and help you through this, trying to ignore it and bottle up your feelings isn't usually a good idea. talk to someone, get some support, and get a restraining order!
this is nothing for you to feel ashamed of, It's not your fault, he's the monster who deserves all the blame.
Please listen to what MM said.
For now, it's not about the boyfriend but it's about YOU and your welfare. Know that there are many support groups out there and also it's only right this monster doesn't go walking about free.
Wow. I am so sorry you went through all of this.
I agree that you should tell your boyfriend but if you're worried about how to approach the topic see if there is a counselor you can approach. I don't know of any hotlines specifically but I'm sure there are some out there that could help you figure out how to begin the conversation.
I don't think you'd even be considering telling your boyfriend if he weren't already a loving and supportive boyfriend. I am sure he will be there for you and worst case scenario want to defend you.
Make sure this guy gets the punishment he deserves. It will be part of the healing process for you and could save other women from being hurt by him in the future.
Rape is the most difficult thing in the world to deal with, believe me, I know. You need to deal with it on our own terms for your own sake. Nothing else matters right now. Not the rapist's fate or your boyfriend's feelings. Yes, of course those things do matter and will and should come up, but do not under any circumstances trouble yourself with feeling obligations to your bf or even to the justice system right now. What you're going through is confusing and traumatic enough. Deal with it in your own time, and please, seek counselling. Talk about it only when you are ready, and use whatever words you need to use. It is not your boyfriend's right to know right now- the only thing that matters is that you are able to feel like a person, in control of your body and yourself, fully aware of your rights, and not identifying as a victim or as something that others use for their own devices. That can't happen if you're putting your obligations to your boyfriend or the police first.
If someone had robbed you, assulted you, or tried to kill you, would you be concerned with explaining yourself to others? Well, this is much worse than all of those (believe me, I'm a veteran of the whole list). I cannot emphasize this enough: YOU DON"T OWE ANYBODY ANY EXPLANATIONS. You don't owe anybody anything. You are a human being, and no one and nothing takes priority over you.
Please, please, please, do whatever it takes, whatever you need and are comfortable with, to recover (as much as a rape victim can ever recover) from this horrific act before you worry about what to do about others. Take time away from your bf if you need, tell him you're going through something, tell him that a friend of his hurt you even, but tell him that you will only talk about what you're ready to talk about, and no one may push you.
I know you don't know me or anyone else here, but trust me when I say that I'm behind you, and I support you. And there are more of us than you know. You're not alone.
What happened to you was a crime, the worst kind of crime. It wasn't your fault, you needn't be ashamed, and you daon't have to talk about anything you don't want to.
You will be a different person after this. But that isn't necessarily a bad thing. Right now, though, you're in transition. Let that transition be completed- then deal with whatever ramifications are left to be dealt with. The law, the bf, etc- you can't report what happened to you if you haven't fully accepted it yet yourself. Since you're writing here, it sounds like you've made good progress there. I hope it continues, and I wish you all the best.
I'm sorry for the rant. I just feel that it's important for people who have to go through this to realize that they must put themselves and their recovery first. When I read about a rape victim concerning herself more with how her boyfriend will react than her own well-being, I weep on the inside.
Be strong. Don't see a victim when you look in the mirror- you're a survivor. Remember that.
Ya listen to these good folks, right?
She should have went to the police right after it happened... rape kit at the hospital and what anyone thinks about it be damned! Dna is damn good evidence, very incriminating stuff...
Hey gray - missed you!
Yes, but fear and shame makes people do strange things.
I was about to ask a question about why most of the time victims of rape find it hard to report what happened immediately. It's just really so sad there are monsters out there who go about their daily lives as if nothing happened.
Because when you're raped by someone you know, or a friend of a friend, you spend a lot of time second guessing what happened. You try to doubt yourself so you don't have to verbalize the word RAPE and have it forever be woven into who you are as a person. You think that somehow, you might be partly to blame because you were drinking or at his house (even if other people were there). And the amount of time it takes to process WTF just happened to OMG I was raped takes days. I did report the bastard who did it to me and though there wasn't DNA or a rape kit done, they got pictures of some nasty bruises on my inner thighs where he pried them apart. This man is very very rich and I knew I wouldn't win. I have nothing. But it's in a police report, and if he does it again, then maybe he'll get nailed for it. I'm am so sorry that my testimony didn't result in some sort of punishment for him, the idea that he has to do this again for it to stick sickens me. But I did what I could. It's been a year and a half and it doesn't go away. Ever. Yes, I'm in therapy...no, I don't cry about it anymore, but it simmers in the back ground.
You missed me! awwwww *blushes* I've been sleeping a LOT lately... This has to be my favorite website of all time with some of the most interesting people! Don't tell anyone but you're my favorite
So, yeah, Believe me I totally understand, I've been raped twice in my life and it's not something one usually runs around talking about but I don't let it get to me. I didn't do anything wrong and I'm sure not one of those women who are going to hang my head in shame because of some twisted societal back door ideal that it was somehow my fault or that I was "asking for it"
You hear that a lot and it's a huge load... grrrrr I need to go burn my bra and start a march wearing a t-shirt that says "I was raped and I'm not going to be silenced!" or something lol This kind of attitude just really gets to me. I hate to see anyone in some kind of predicament like this, men and women alike, who never do anything about it because of things like fear or shame.
ok... rant over.
Having been through this with a girl I was once going out with...
Its hard, if anyone ever gives me enough to find the guy I'll end him, & I'm pretty mixed up on why. But it comes down to never letting him do it again.
My girlfriend at the time went to the Police & they completely got it wrong, ended up being because he didn't deny having sex he got away with it.
But I'm glad she was able to tell me. Which is what your question is really about. If you're worried about him doing something like I describe above, don't give him names, just explain that it happened. You're going to have some seriously heavy emotional baggage to deal with here, if your relationship means anything he needs to know. I'm assuming of course that he is the kind of guy who will support you & even if he found out the name would still take you at your word.
It's really, really hard I know, but if you don't take it any further, your partner needs to know & you more than likely need to tell him. It's an awful lot to be walking around with solo.
(ORIGINAL POSTER)
I wanted to leave an update for anyone interested. For a few weeks after it happened, I avoided my boyfriend like the plague, I pretended to be busy, wouldn't let him visit me, I couldn't face him. Also, I was worried if I were to visit him his friend would be hanging around. My boyfriend's house was where I was raped by his own friend while he slept in a nearby room. I couldn't go back to the house, I was so traumatized I knew I wouldn't be able to act like everything was fine. Finally, & after reading MM's answer about my question, I realized keeping it to myself was only hurting me. I came clean, & even though I begged my boyfriend not to have a confrontation with the rapist about it, he did anyway. Apparently when he confronted his friend, his friend said everything wasn't true, & denied it everything. This was my worst fear, that it would come down to my word against his friend's. My boyfriend told me that he believes me, & told me he would confront him again until he is honest. I don't know the specifics of what happened between them, but I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders after I shared what had happened. When I explained to my boyfriend the reason I felt I couldn't visit his home anymore comfortably was because it was where everything had happened, he chose to move into a new home down the street. We're still together, & I'm very glad I listed to MM & the other reader's advice & told him.
For those wondering why I didn't report it right away or the next day; the night of, directly after it happened I ran to my boyfriend, laid down next to him & cried. (He was already asleep.) I was too drunk to drive myself anywhere, & I was worried no one would believe me because I was drunk. I took two showers that night while drunk, just eager to get the feeling off of me. I wish I wouldn't have, I wish I had gone to the police for the rape kit instead of crying & taking repeated showers. I was just so in shock.
I'm still dealing with the effects, but MM, thank you for answering my question all those months ago. You helped push me in the right direction.