I was seeing,(sleeping w/ and exchanging whitty texts) w/ a guy who lives on the other side of the country from me. HE invited me to come see him for 6 days, go to an amazing hotel, only to tell me halfway thru the trip that "he doesnt want to hurt me, but he doesnt want a relationship for a really long time" WTF?!
Mystery Man answered this question on
October 11, 2011 1:45 AM
Has he ever said that he did? Or did you just assume?
If the guy says he doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't want a relationship. Of course, if you don't want to be just his hook up and flirt partner, you should tell him so. Honesty works both ways. He was honest with you, time for you to be honest with him.
Honest with yourself, too. Sit down and decide what you want.
Come on MM...isn't there just a teensy weensy bit of assumption to a woman that a guy wants to "invest in a relationship" if you plan a 6 day trip together?
It seems a bit much to do if he just wants to get laid.
And why didn't he tell her BEFORE she jumped on the plane. I think THAT would have been a mature thing to do....
But, there is the unpleasant thought that maybe, just maybe, he wanted to get into a relationship at first, but found that in spending time together on the trip, your mutual chemistry just wasn't right?
Good thing is, that he DID tell you (albeit, too late to cancel the trip) and was being honest with you, and didn't want to hurt you.
Though it may feel pretty yucky right now, In my book, that honesty beats being strung along for months with fake affection, promises and lies, fo sho!
Good luck girlie. Perhaps this is the red flag we all wish for, before making an even bigger mistake.
I can only go by the way the question is phrased.
"isn't there just a teensy weensy bit of assumption to a woman that a guy wants to "invest in a relationship" if you plan a 6 day trip together?"
But the fuckbuddy is long distance. A trip (either way) was necessary to accomodate this.
There are easier ways to get laid, I think. There are some definite relationship signals to spending that much time with someone. If he just wanted sex, that's fine, but he really should have mentioned that before the transcontinental flight.
Aside from paying for it with someone in your city, there isn't an easier way. He is guaranteed sex just by showing up. It gets no easier than that. Buying plane tickets - Orbitz - Easy. Buying hotel rooms - Orbitz can do that too - Easy.
The sequence of events from him to sex, point, click, and show up on time at the airport.
i don't think there is an assumption here, though i do understand why someone would make that assumption. i planned and went on a vacay with my now boyfriend this summer, but we weren't exclusive at the time. i freaked out before the vacay because i had made this precise assumption, and wasn't sure i was ready for an exclusive commitment. not necessarily afraid of a commitment with him, just in general. we talked about it, and other things, during that week and definitely grew closer, but he actually used the exact words "this week is about getting to know each other better, not about jumping each other's bones or going ring shopping". MM is right, unless he said so, it isn't so. but we women, take these "signs" as something they aren't, and wind ourselves up unnecessarily about it. enjoy the time with him and see where it goes, if anywhere, but getting upset with him for being honest with you is only going to send him packing on another vacay with someone else.
Let's see, they have been sleeping together (before this trip) and this didn't come up. So they have been traveling to spend time in bed with each other before with no strings attached. So why didn't he tell her beforehand? Because something changed. What changed, they are on a 6 day trip, she imagines this means more than it does to him, and she does or says something that indicates that and he actually decides to be honest with her, rather than letting her think he wants something he doesnt.
Regarding this whole "planning a 6 day trip must MEAN something". It doesn't necessarily. I was having a conversation with a woman I'm dating a few days ago trying to explain that many times us men just don't put as much thought into things as women seem to assume (because they do). You project your worldview onto us, assuming that we'd do things for similar reasons as you.
I gave her an example of a guy in a car with his gf stops off at a grocery store to grab some quick items and she stays in the car. While in the store which happens to sell ice cream cones, he decides to get a cone, but for some reason it's 2 for 1 day. Well, he's not going to just buy one, so he gets two and gives on to his gf. She's then really happy because her bf did something so nice and thoughtful when in reality he was just buying a cone for himself and without that 2 for 1 special, she'd never have gotten one. Guys have no problems planning no strings attached 6 day trips.
The moral is that once you internalize the idea that guys don't necessarily impart the significance to all their actions that you would were you doing the same thing, you will be much closer to misunderstanding us less.
Your ice-cream cone analogy seems to say more about fundamental selfishness than anything else.
One does not need similar world views to be kind or generous, they need empathy. Do unto others.... Heck, if I was giving a stranger a ride I would never buy a cone and eat it in front of them without buying them one as well.
While this guy might be a total user, it is also possible that he was interested in her and wanted to get to know her better by having her around for several days. Perhaps as he got to know her better he felt she wasn't right for him. Long distance relationships take a lot of work and commitment. Perhaps he wanted to be sure she was the right girl before he continued to make further effort.
While I don't wear rose colored glasses, I don't really want to live in a world in which I feel everyone is fundamentally bad. I am surrounded by good people so I know they exist.
This seems to indicate you feel any non altruistic act implies selfishness. The world must be full of selfish people. Almost every day, I witness people purchase or otherwise obtain food for themselves then proceed to eat in the presence of others who don't currently have food without offering to share.
If you're spelling it "whitty", then they probably weren't.
Also, completely agree with MM. If what you were doing was screwing and messaging each other, with nothing else, then you were fuck-buddies. If YOU'RE the one who wants a change from this, then YOU should have been the one to bring it up! He's not going to be psychic, for crying out loud, and the way you acted with him didn't exactly put across "I'm looking for the love of my life to settle down with" and it was your responsibility to let him know what you actually wanted.
Lmaoo I thought the exact same thing when I read "whitty"...
Well, given what's happened, maybe she meant to type "shitty", the 's' is just below the 'w'. . .