Everyone has the right to privacy, but if you're having trouble connecting to your boyfriend in the way you want, you may need more time, therapy, or both. It's all well and good to put things behind you, but a therapist you trust can help you get to the bottom of these feelings and possibly help you plan your next steps, whether those include telling your boyfriend about the assault or not.
I'm a huge therapy fan. And although you have to decide what's right for you, allow me to pitch: frankly, it's amazing that we humans settle most disputes in our relationships internally. That's like trying a legal case by having the two lawyers "talk it out" with no intervention from anyone until they somehow come to a bitter, hollow compromise, then reaffirm their love for one another with some epic makeup sex on the bench.
Someone who doesn't care a lick about you except for the fact that you pay them is just the kind of person you want helping you sort through your baggage. Unlike friends, relatives, or anyone else you're likely to have in your support system, they have the distance needed to think logically and provide you with perspective you can trust.
Just like a mechanic, though, make sure you find one you click with. If you can get a good one in your corner, you'll find navigating your journey to full trust and intimacy a lot easier.
Hopefully you can accelerate the process and your boyfriend will never even notice anything was amiss. Although I would recommend dropping the info on him before, say, making any wedding plans or co-signing on any major loans.
Way to go, Michael, great answer! I agree that therapy is a wonderful tool to help us through the rough patches of our lives. When the guy I thought I was going to marry dumped me the same week I found out my dad was cheating on my mom, I sought out a counselor at my college who helped me see that I was still worthy of being loved, even though the two closest men in my life, at the time, let me down.
To the question asker - Being assaulted is a horrible experience that can truly paralyze us, if we let it. I agree with Michael that you need to choose what is best for you, but I would like to encourage you to really consider telling your bf. Cary (aka Wise-Ass) has answered a similar question lately where he believes that most men would respond with compassion and understanding. He's got some very wise advice. But I also believe when we are in a relationship, we are teammates. It isn't an us against them mentality. Believe it or not your bf is on your side. He could very well be a vital part of your healing. Why not give him the opportunity to show you?
I agree. Open lines of communication are almost always preferable to going it alone. And Cary's right; most dudes can be surprisingly understanding and supportive if you let them. But without knowing the specifics of the OP's situation--how long they've been dating, what her boyfriend is like, whether she's ever talked about it with another person before--I didn't want to push.
You are so right, Michael, and I certainly hope my reply didn't push either ~ that's why I echoed your statement of her choosing what is best for her.
I guess I'm just a romantic at heart and believe that the majority of humanity really does want to do what is right when given an opportunity and that deep within the hearts of most men there is still a knight in shining armor. But what do I know? I'm 20+ yrs outside the dating game - one of the reasons I am on this site since my kids are coming up on that time in their lives.
So, question poser, don't listen to me...the rantings of an old lady. Trust YOUR OWN heart.
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