Forget about it.
For starters, it's old news, and the statute of limitations ran out months ago. What would you accomplish by throwing a hissy fit now, anyway? Not much. So he and his ex swapped nekkid pics -- big whoop. It's not like they hadn't seen each other in the buff before.
Also, you two had just started dating. Chances are he still had feelings for his ex, and he also wasn't sure if you guys were going to last. Guys like to hedge their bets, so I can see him keeping a little flame alive with the ex just in case.
Now, if he's done other things since then to make you distrust him, that's another story entirely, and this indiscretion is part of a bigger problem that needs to be addressed. But if this was an isolated incident, let it go.
One last thing: don't snoop. That's a good way to lose a boyfriend. If you don't trust him, tell him; get it out in the open and deal with it. Communicate. Snooping around behind his back is cowardly and passive-aggressive. You should be able to trust him without having to check up on him. I don't think you'd like it if he dug through your private stuff. Resist the temptation.
I say drop it and move on with your relationship. It's ancient history.
Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. I just had to get that out.. I would not want to date someone, who still had it bad over his ex.... Part of embarking on a new relationship is putting that shit to rest. If I were you, and I found out he was still communicating, still had pics, still even breathing a word about this ex I would end this relationship....
Keep it one hundred with him. You don't have to snoop or spy, in the end the truth will always come to the surface. You don't have to compromise yourself for this dickhead.
"Guys like to hedge their bets, so I can see him keeping a little flame alive with the ex just in case."
See that....That bullshit , needs to have been dead and done with before you even considered going out with this guy... I would NEVER want to hear about an ex... And likewise, I would show the same respect and courtesy to the guy I am currently dating and not discuss my exs...Period.
AGREED. I know its wrong to snoop, I havent myself. But, clearly since she found evidence of wrong behavoir, she was right in her inclination that he shouldn't be trusted....
Who says he has it bad over his ex? It was nine months ago and they'd just started dating. And he wasn't discussing his ex. She snooped and found out about the picture exchange.
What you suggest sounds great in theory, but it rarely happens. You can't just turn off feelings for someone like a light switch. If a guy goes from one relationship right into another, there will be some emotional overlap, like it or not.
An ex, is an ex for a reason. When a relationship ends, you need to let go(pictures, phone numbers, texts you name it ) . Otherwise you have to explain to your new partner, why your still hanging on to these things ...
I am speaking in generalities here. Her situation could be completely different. But to me, it would never fly it would never go down. If I found pictures, and he didn't dispose of them then its over..It wouldn't be my fault that he's a pathetic little bitch boy that can't move on .. Yeah its that simple
Yeah Vee, like you don't have stuff from exes sitting around your house right this second. I'm not saying you're carting around a three ring binder full nekkid pics of you past boyfriends, but everybody has crap they were given by someone they once cared about.
Do you think you'd enjoy it if your current boyfriend/husband went through all your stuff with a fine-toothed comb because he was insecure?
Because that's why the questioner did what she did. She was feeling bad about the relationship, and stuck her nose in his business until she found something to confirm what she was feeling.
And that is bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.
It happened in the past, and that's where it would have stayed if she hadn't snooped in his private things where she didn't belong. They've been together nine months now. If anything else had been going on since the picture exchange, I think she would have noticed it by now. I say forget about it and move on. No good will come out of dredging it up now. Just because someone is an ex doesn't necessarily mean that you hate them or no longer care for them. Life isn't that simple. Not all breakups are angry ones. Sometimes people still care for each other but just aren't compatible. Perhaps the pictures were exchanged as a sort of goodbye or a last ditch effort to get back what they had. Who knows? If that was the case, it obviously didn't work since he is now with someone new. None of it matters. It's all over and done with.
I agree with Cary, if his only indiscretion is that you snooped around and found a picture of his ex, then I think there is no reason to get angry. I would say that you should let it go, but I don't believe that women are capable of letting things go once they're in the know. If you want him to get rid of the picture then just tell him to, if he shows signs of being attached to it..then you might want to look at other options. Just remember when you do decide to talk to him about it, try to keep in mind that this photo exchanged happened in the past and your relationship has grown since then. Be prepared to answer to why you were snooping around in his belongings and breaking your trust in him.
Wait, so you snooped through NINE months of his e-mails or texts (I'm assuming that's how they exchanged the pictures)?
I think he should be the one getting angry at you.
She's not a police detective... of course snooping is wrong but I think anything discovered is fair game, to be honest. Its not like police where you cant use it in court... All's fair in love and war!
We have to assume that the reason she was snooping because she thought he was up to no good. Finding naked pictures exchanged = no good, and that's just what she found. He's probably cheated if he's doing things like that. I wouldn't bring up the snooping, I'd move on. I dont care if things are the beginning of a relationship, its still cheating! Cut your losses, move on to a guy you can trust, and dont snooop, communicate instead.
Wise Ass I have to make clear that I almost always enjoy your answers.
So I think the biggest point being missed here is that it's been 9 months......why does he still have the photo? Weather it be through text or email it should have been deleted by now if he was over his ex and devoted to this girl.
Her snooping was wrong but unfortunately productive. I wouldn't give him the time of day, I'm sorry the "he's a man and all men like to keep their options open" excuse is over used and tired and needs to be retired. Men get away with too much because of excuses like this. And no I am by no means implying women are angels.
Thats what I'm saying!
I did not say I thought it was okay for guys to hedge their bets, people. I am saying that's why I think the guy did what he did. Big difference.
I don't even think trading the photos was right, but I understand why he did it, and I don't think making a stink over it now is the right response.
Really doesn't seem to give enough info in the question. Maybe the asker will clarify. Was the exchange via email or does he have a shoe box with printed pictures? I have to assume based on the info that this girl went through nine months of emails. How else would she know there was an exchange? I think she should do this guy a favor and get angry about it. A girl like that won't ever "forget about it." Nine months is not (to me) a very long relationship, and it's better that he can see her for what she is before he wastes any more time with her.
Sorry, Cary, but I think you're dead wrong here. I'm going to have to agree with Vee, for the most part.
First of all, we don't know if she was snooping. Unfortunately we can't judge the situation based on that.
Secondly, I'm pretty surprised that you're making excuses for this guy. I think that's pretty out of line. It doesn't matter if this was nine months ago; it doesn't matter if his new relationship was....well, new. He cheated, and even if she doesn't end the relationship over it (which I think she should), she should at least confront him about it. I think that's EXTREMELY sketchy, and any guy who would do that is likely to do it at ANY point in the relationship and think it's no big deal.
And I'm sorry, but the "hedging their bets" excuse is pathetic. Seriously, with that mode of thinking, men can get away with anything.
Bottom line? Why would you begin dating someone new if you still had feelings for someone else!? Stupid stupid stupid!! Vee is right - that crap needs to be put to rest LONG beforehand. Emotions do NOT always have to overlap.
This guy seriously sounds like a d-bag, even if the asker was snooping. If she was, that means she doesn't trust him...and now how is she EVER supposed to trust him again? End it.
Whoops. Scratch the "we-don't-know-if-she-was-snooping" part. Just re-read the question. My bad.
"Out of line." Snicker.
My job is to answer questions. The fact that you happen to disagree with my answer doesn't make me out of line.
Sorry. Don't care if it's your "opinion". I hate it when people think they can use that excuse as an immunity to being wrong.
It was out of line.
I don't need excuses or immunity, Molly. Right, wrong, who knows? It depends on who you ask. As the comments here prove, everyone sees it differently.
We all have our opinions, including you. And I hate to break it to you, but that's all your statements are: opinions. You are entitled to give them, but so is everyone else, including me (again, it's why I am here). The only one who's out of line is the person who insists that everyone is wrong but her.
I'm with Cary on this one. A) Just because your opinion does not match his opinion does not make him "out of line" nor can it make him categorically wrong, but more importantly:
B) This was when they had *just started* dating. People do not go from zero to married. The first couple of dates *at least* are kinda "testing the waters". If she had to go back nine months, right back to the beginning of their relationship, to find something then, if anything, it shows he hasn't strayed since. A lot of stuff happens in the first nine months of a relationship, just because he did it then doesn't even imply he'd do it again now. It'd be daft to bail over a slip up like this that happened when you first started dating.
Also, people are rarely completely over their ex before moving on. You break up, you mope for a little while and then you try to get back on the horse. Any relationship worthy of the name is an important part of your life and it takes time to let go of that completely. Just because you still have cherished memories of an ex in no way lessens your affection for your partner. As long as he's not still pining over her then there's nothing to worry about.
I'd let it go. It was a slip up, true, but it was a long time ago. Back before the relationship was what it is now.
Also; snooping? Not cool. I for one would be much, MUCH angrier/ more offended if I found out my girlfriend had been snooping through my stuff behind my back than if I found out about something like this. And I speak from experience on this part.
It was his opinion that was being sought! That's what this site is for, women can ask men question and in return receive honest answers while getting a glimpse into the male brain (whether we all agree on it or not), it's as simple as that. Why would we first ask for help and then berate those who offered it? Lighten up.
I am not understanding the huge upset over the "Guys like to hedge their bets, so I can see him keeping a little flame alive with the ex just in case." remark. Men and women both do it..it's a part of dating not an excuse! There have been many relationships that have started off on "hedging of bets" that ended in long lasting relationships including marriage.
This exchanged happened at the beginning of their relationship, when you first start dating someone they are not automatically yours and yours alone, you work up to that. The fact that he still has the picture says nothing about his character as a boyfriend or a man, he could have simply forgotten about it, which would say a lot more about him than him having it in the first place.
Women are nosy creatures, they don't always need suspicion to give them the green light for a little snooping around. If she didn't trust him, she should have addressed that with him personally.
Totally agree, Harmony!
Unless they're serial monogamists, most people aren't exclusive right off the bat. When you first start dating you should assume that he might be seeing other people until you two decide that you're serious and want to date exlusively. Use condoms, don't be clingy, etc. That's not even "hedging your bets," that's just reality in adult relationships.
"That's not even "hedging your bets," that's just reality in adult relationships." ~ Perfect, Bev!
Saying that they weren't exclusive when the photo exchange happen is speculation. We don't know that.
And I feel like "hedging your bets" is a nicer way of saying "being reckless with the emotions of everyone involved, maybe even your own".
Insisting that they were exclusive and that he cheated is speculation. We don't know that either.
I ttly agree with the last two comments. In the beginning of starting to date someone new everything is fair game until you both decide you want to be exclusive. I also agree that most women are snoops & wld be highly upset if men did the same. I am in shock that any woman wld consider this as cheating b4 ur even considered a mate. As with all new interests there is a learning period. I am curious as to where she found the pics @. Also wld like to add most ppl do keep somethng frm tht one special person especially if the breakup was mutual, it doesn't mean ur still hung uo on tht person its just a little something tht rminds you of tht special time in your life.
The question wasn't whether he was right or not, it was whether she should get angry or forget it. Which is the question Cary answered. If you're willing to throw away a good 9 month relationship for something that happened in the first weeks of said relationship, you're an idiot. Had he actually cheated, you could have an argument. He didn't. So you don't. As for Vee, I'd say it's safe to say their comments are more about their own man-hating life, than helping the questioner with theirs.
Because I call people out on their foolishness, I'm a man hater?
I don't hate anyone. And more power to her if she wants to stay. I just know if it was me, I'd be over it.
I don't know this person, I don't know the whole situation. I am coming from a stand point of getting over your ex. When someone hasn't fully let go of their ex, then their new potential partner is dealing with the baggage.
I could believe he may not have gotten rid of the picture, simply because he forgot. But if this guy hasn't let go (which I'm sure she'd have to have realized at some point) , then she needs to peace out... 9 months could turn into a year.. Its not fair to waste her time.
"I don't know this person, I don't know the whole situation." Exactly. And yet not knowing this person, or situation you feel comfortable calling him a "dickhead." Hence the man-hating comment. Maybe you plan on being immortal, or being reincarnated, but to me throwing away a 9 month relationship over something as trivial as this, and yes it is trivial, with no other circumstances is foolish. The fact that you demand absolute separation between ex's is your choice. But it's not a trait I'd recommend passing on to others.
I support you Vee! His actions were out of line, he exchanged naked pics while he was with a new woman. Its cheating. He cheated, thus he is a dickhead. It's perfectly ok to judge others by thier actions if they are hurtful and then label them as bad. Its the only objective way of labeling someone a dickhead.
I don't care how long or short a relationship is. If there's cheating involved then I'm out. I respect myself and I know I deserve better than someone who would cheat.
Thanks Rach, at least you and I can realize when someone is guilty of dickish behavior.
She can do as she pleases, if it was me I'd walk away... Thats all I'm saying.
Holy hell, check out the comments on this one! Yikes. I'm sensing a whole lot of single females who have been burned in the past, but that's just my OPINION. Opinions, we all have them, and if you disagree that doesn't mean you are right and someone else is wrong.
I agree with the Wise Ass. Let it go. And quit snooping. There's always that.
AGREED.
I have photos of my ex as does my husband (have photos of his exes--If he had photos of my exes, I'd be worried. LOL).
But we hold onto them so that our kid can someday see who we dated. I liked seeing old pics of who my parents dated. They can look at our pics and go "You dated them??! WTF were you thinking? Oh, and nice hair!" Granted, none we kept were naked ones!
However, there are a lot of unanswered questions in this person's query. Why was she snooping to begin with? Is he already doing/saying/acting weird and it led her to snoop? If not, then she should chill out about the old naked pics. It was when they were first dating. He's obviously still with his current girl since they've been dating 9 months and doesn't seem to show an interest in his ex (as far as we know).
I don't think he did anything wrong. I doubt he even remembers having the photos. She said she found out they exchanged naked photos, so they could be on his computer and lord knows how long they've been sitting there.
A friend of mine found an photo of her husband's ex in a drawer, piled under a bunch of rusty nails, some glue, a screwdriver. So what? He forgot it was there.
My thing is this: Even if he sent the photos right before they got together and he's still with his current girlfriend showing no interest whatsoever in the previous ex (as far as we know), then she needs to let it go.
If anyone should be pissed, it's her boyfriend. Snooping is inexcusable and it shows lack of trust on her part and severe insecurity.
Like I said--assuming no other red flags have gone up for her that he's cheating, she needs to let it go.
Even if there are red flags for her and she has a right to feel like she's got trust issues with him, she should do the honest and forthright thing and just say "Hey I found these? What's up with that?" She'll get more answers from his tell (facial expressions/answers/body language) than snooping will ever give her.
Either ask the boyfriend what's up or let it go FFS!
She has every right to feel sad, of course. No one would want to find a naked picture of their boyfriend's/husband's ex still in his possession. I would feel angry, but then again, I don't snoop on my partner.
Let it go, sweetie. It sucks, but you snooped (huge violation of trust). It's lame that they swapped naked pictures, but I'm guessing he felt a bit vulnerable starting off in a new relationship, and having someone familiar on the back burner might have made him feel better. Wow, I felt pissed just typing that.
It's shitty that he did that, but it's too late to confront him about it. Try not to snoop anymore, it's the self-destruct button of a relationship.
It boggles me that anyone would feel comfortable with having a naked photo of your ex around.. Its creepy. I think if the roles were reversed, he wouldn't care for it much either. Theres a total double standard when it comes to these things. When a woman brings something to light, oh shes being insecure, oh shes no good. But if a guy does it, he's justified... No.. I don't think anyone should stand idly by and be ok with it.. It obviously bothered her, otherwise she would never have sought out advice.
I agree in that it wouldn't make me feel comfortable and it obviously didn't make her feel comfortable either.
However, I don't think there's a double-standard going on here. If a guy were to snoop around their girlfriend's stuff and found old photos of her boyfriend (naked or not), I would still think he's being insecure and inappropriate.
I've known tons of guy who are just as insecure and as bad with the snooping as women are.
In fact, it's been shown that guys that snoop and are insecure, are often men that end up being extremely controlling and abusive in relationships. Or at minimum a clingy sad sap that women don't want to be with (unless of course she likes his low self esteem--In which case I'd have to wonder why anyone would want to be with a person with low self-esteem unless they had an ulterior motive that is not altogether nice; ie...they're easy to control and push around because they have no self-esteem).
For either sex, snooping it's never justified or right.
Look ... This whole debate hinges around if we believe that they were in a committed relationship at that point or not. From a dudes perspective, when my wife and I got married, she found pictures of exes (real pictures, we didn't have digital camera's back then) that I just totally forgot about. That's it.
To answer the question... IF the guy had changed his facebook status to "in a relationship with [lady who asked the question]" and THEN swapped pictures, we may have an issue.
No facebook update, no worries.
And, if I was a chick, I would totally want to have Cary's baby.
as a side note... they weren't naked pictures. I felt I had to clarify that.
Unless you have never, ever been in a relationship before - you're bringing baggage. Good or bad, people that you get involved with on that level leave an impression on you, some more noticeable than others.
Per Cary's comment, I've seen way more women "hedge their bets" than men. More than hedging bets, staggering relationships to the point that they don't end one until another is firmly in place.
Whatever the reason for snooping, the fact is she had to go through 9 months of shit to find anything. 9 months! That kind of puts my crazy alarm at the verge of going off, but hey maybe chick has been burned in the past and a moment got to her...and she went a little crazy...
Still if she had to back that far, that probably means that dude doesn't delete anything. Men, whom I adore, are simple creatures (probably why I adore them) - they don't get all catty and have several layers of ulterior motives like some women do. That being said, to a guy if it isn't important then out of sight = out of mind. It might have been goofy drunken antics one night, but it sounds like guy just never deletes anything and forgot about it. The questioner needs to forget about it too.
Of course people bring baggage- but thats mental, and it can't be helped. Going out an ACTIVELY tradeing sexy pictures with an ex is a whole different thing. Its an action, not mental baggage. Of course people have baggage, they want to have sex with other people, they want to check out other people and stare at thier bodies... but you dont do those thing when you're with someone in a relationship.
Who knows how she came across the photos, if she had to go through 9 months. Maybe it wasnt in his email but rather in his pictures or something with a date. Who knows. I cant say I can label the woman crazy because clearly her concern about his cheating was justified... you know? Maybe she doesnt do it regularly and just knew and decided to check it out. Of course, communicating with the guy would be better. But, he did cheat.
My man has (yes still has) naked pics of his ex, we were looking through some disks of vacation pictures and we both found them, he forgot they were even on there. He asked if I wanted him to delete them and I said "not really, she's hot ; ), just dont go looking at them for manhandling material, you've got me for that" and so he just flipped on through the pictures. I still have letters and poems from ex's and that doesnt bother him, we both know that those relationships are in the past.
I did snoop while cleaning/packing for a move once and found some old cards/letters and asked him to throw them away and he did. He didnt put up a fight about it, he wasnt upset and I didnt make a big deal out of it, I just said "hey, I found these, I'm not comfortable with you still having them, we've been together long enough for you not to need them, do you mind throwing them away" and he did ^shrug^.
I dont think your guy should have exchanged naked pics with an ex after he started talking to you, it wasnt fair to you and isnt acceptable. I would be open and honest about the fact that you were snooping through his stuff and found them and ask him to delete them. Dont make a big deal, dont accuse him of anything, just say "hey, i found these, I would really appreciate you destroying them now that we are monogamous, thanks babe" and go on with life. He shouldnt feel like you are attacking him and get defensive if thats all you say. If he does get defensive, that would be a red flag that he is doing something wrong. Apologize for snooping, let him know you were just curious and to be fair, offer to let him snoop through your stuff if he wants.
Carey: I more or less agree with you on everything. I would like to say however that when you choose to start a new relationship with someone, you should give it a chance and focus only on that person while you are waiting to see if it will pan out, not be exchanging pics or even major conversations with your ex's. But I'm sure you already know and probably agree with that. You were just answering honestly. What you said wasnt bullshit, the fact that what you said was true is whats bullshit : )
Oh, geez... this is a difficult one and it looks like everyone has an opinion. I think I fall right in the middle on this one. A) I don't think "snooping" as it's being called is so wrong. If you're sleeping with someone and in a serious relationship with them...those types of things shouldn't be off limits.
The trust will only grow if both people have nothing to hide and coming from someone that has nothing to hide I would have no problem with my boyfriend going through any of my things and vice versa. I know this because the only time that either one of us did have a problem with snooping is when: we broke up and then got back together. This however lead's me to my next point... even though I don't think "snooping" is wrong it's most deffinately unhealthy (for her/him/you/anyone) it can become very addictive. I say this from experience, I became this crazy lady and I just got a point where I couldn't take it anymore. I had never been jealous before and didn't like how stressed out it was making me.
It was a make or break moment for me. I had to tell him what I had been doing and how loco it was making me. I did and it was the best thing that ever happend to us. My honesty helped make us a stronger couple. Our trust is amazing now. I feel very secure.
I know that this might not relate to her exactly but to wrap it up... honesty and communication are key. If you tell him what you did, what you saw, why you did it, how it made you feel and ask him why he did it and more importantly why he still had the pictures?!? You will feel so much better and then it will give you the opportunity to work it out. I don't think you should be so quick to end it. He may have just forgotten they were there. However, I also don't think that you should let it go. You won't be able to and you will never really trust him if you don't get it off your chest.
Either you commenters are really young kids or you don't have any real relationship experience at all. Which may not be a bad thing, just it doesn't give you a realistic view of life.
I was in a relationship with someone for 3 years. There were plenty of pictures, emails, cards, txts, etc generated. Did I get rid of most of it, yes. All of it, no. I was not born yesterday. Anyone who wants a relationship with me will have to deal with the fact that I'd been in a serious relationship with someone else. Who is still alive.
There is no indication of how she found this out. Let us assume it was by email. Do you know how much email I have from my past that still exists simply because I was too lazy to delete it. Or remember to not only delete stuff from my inbox, but go through my sent messages and delete it there as well. Or things I've found in my place that were left behind by an ex that I didn't realize I had. Or want to throw away. If my ex bought me my favorite pair of jeans should those be thrown away once we break up? Because the next person I'm dating may somehow find out my ex bought them and think i'm somehow holding on to her?
Then again, I'm not interested in people that insecure so I guess for me, this really isn't an issue.
Mmmmm...tough call. It depends on individual viewpoints/standards. Each relationship is different because every single relationship involves two completely different people. For some, it's okay to keep in touch with exes; for others, it's an absolute deal breaker. Same for exchanging risque pictures early on in a new relationship, whether with an ex or a complete stranger.
If the behavior goes against your fundamental values, then that is a completely individualized and justified position. No one else has to live in this relationship besides the poster. If it makes her THAT uncomfortable, there is absolutely no law that prohibits her from packing up her things and finding a different partner who is more compatible and who shares her inherent values vis-a-vis appropriate behavior in a relationship. Only she can make that call.
Just remember, dating isn't easy, as you're always going to have some level of incompatibility with regard at least one fundamental viewpoint, but dating should also NOT be unduly painful. If the relationship is causing you more pain than pleasure, then it's a sign that you and your partner are simply not well suited for one another. It's not an issue of right or wrong, or even of blaming anyone for anything, it's just a matter of recognizing when/if another person is suitable as a long-term partner given your individual needs and preferences. Don't let it make you bitter or angry or resentful toward yourself or another person. It's just a chance to learn which characteristics and values most are important to you and what type of person you need to couple with in order to have an optimally harmonious relationship
Best of luck to you.
So what if this role is reverse? You BF snooping on your emails, phone bills, face book? When you first dated u told him that you and your EX has broke up for 5 years but had always had a good friendship and that we still see each other once in a while & he's met this ex-bf of mine as well...
He has a EX that works with my best~friend...she would often tell me of his text & emails she sees pop up on his ex-gf screen; had lunch, she's came over to his place. But when I ask him of their connections he said I don't talk, text, email or even care to have any communication line with her.
But at the end when I had it; got a hold of his ex-gf's email...and asked her of their relationship! He was outraged...and that's when he told me he had been going thru my stuff since then...Can I ever trust this person again if they got the guts to do all that to me? And then use my emails, photo's against me when I ask him about him and his ex-gf!