Long and complex one, and time sensitive, so running it now instead of tomorrows question.
I was the girl who had to call her friends mom because her depression was keeping her dorm bound. Well I just spent all night with her in the hospital because she tried to commit suicide. I'm tired of being the bad guy to her depression, she was furious when I called for help, but wouldn't let me leave her hospital bed. I mean, we found her barefoot in the snow and vomiting her guts up from pills, she has some nerve to be mad at me. Now she wants me to make two trips up there, when I don't have a car to get her key to get her phone charger, that's a lot of cab fare and time this close to finals....
And she'll be released tonight, so if her phone dies it's not that long. I feel like I'd be a bitch if I don't do it, but I can't really justify it. Further more, how do I tell her that I will be there for her, but I can't constantly be fighting to her to help her? I have my own anxiety, this is too much.
Ps I can't remember who I asked about my depressed friend before. But this is getting into tough love territory, and that's you.
Well, I remember the question, though can't seem to find it in my answered list so one of the other guys might have answered it. And this answer ain't gonna be popular, so hold on.
You owe this girl nothing.
Well, the courtesy and consideration one human owes another, but nothing more than that. She isn't kin, she isn't a loved one and, from the sounds of it, you are not particularly good friends either.
You know why you are freaking right now? Cause with a little change in circumstances, like you all went to a party and got home late, you'd have been tripping over her nicely frosted corpse. Then been blamed for it.
Quit feeling guilty. By my lights you did good.
Of course she is mad at you. Mad at you for saving her ass, mad at you for letting her get to that point in the first place, mad at you because she finally got up the courage to do it and you spoiled it and mad at you cause she froze her arse off in the snow for a while before you all noticed. Do you really expect rationality from someone suicidally depressed? Ignore that. It means nothing.
There are two types of suicidal people. Those who mean it, and those who want attention. To feel needed, yet who have nothing to offer - or who think they have nothing to offer. You can tell the difference. Those who mean it tend to just make the attempt. Sometimes they reach out for help first, but rarely more than once.
You need to think now. Did she really mean it, or did she expect to be stopped? Your answer to that will determine your actions in future.
Since your question came in 18 hours ago - hey, a guy has to eat, work and sleep sometimes - I assume the thing about travelling to the hospital is now moot. If not, grab a ride with anyone in your dorm who has a car or access to one. Why should it all be down to you?
Now stop fretting and get studying.
You did good.
Hm yah, really read his words honey, you really and truly owe her nothing more than what you have given. and from what i have seen, spending all night with her in the hospital this close to finals is even more than you owe anyone that isn't in your bloodline. I had to read this one a few times, I find the phone thing a little curious to be honest. people that serious about this decision really aren't hoping their phones are fully charged. MM makes some very good points here particularly on the two different kinds of suicidal types, but read ALL his words again because it IS exactly what you need to hear. my ex husband used to make these threats to me, the first time i freaked out in exactly the same way you have and thus gave him exactly what he wanted, attention. i only made that mistake once. the second time he threatened it i told him to sleep on the floor and not to leave a mess and he never made the threat again and is still around and kicking. so, i said that to say this, her life is her life and her choices are her choices, your life is your life and your choices are your choices. you have finals. and like MM said, you did good. you have fulfilled the job description of friend. now on to YOU. do update us tho, k? good luck.
I wouldn't have put it so bluntly, but that's what MM is here for :) and he's right. You called this girl's mom; good job. That's what the situation called for and now it's much more mom's responsibility to get this girl help than it is yours. Ultimately, she has to help herself, but seriously depressed people often need help getting that ball rolling. You did your part. Now put up some boundaries or there will be two people with mental health issues overwhelming them: her depression and your anxiety. You deserve to be able to take care of yourself.
Maybe say something along the lines of "I love/care about/whatever you, and I don't want you to die or be this unhappy. But I CANNOT take on the sole responsibility of keeping you happy/healthy, nor will I help you keep this a secret. Please for your own sake and for everyone who loves you, keep seeing doctors and leaning on your family so you can get better." I've never had to say this to someone, though, so hopefully someone who has will weigh in.
I wouldn't have put it so bluntly, but that's what MM is here for :) and he's right. You called this girl's mom; good job. That's what the situation called for and now it's much more mom's responsibility to get this girl help than it is yours. Ultimately, she has to help herself, but seriously depressed people often need help getting that ball rolling. You did your part. Now put up some boundaries or there will be two people with mental health issues overwhelming them: her depression and your anxiety. You deserve to be able to take care of yourself.
Maybe say something along the lines of "I love/care about/whatever you, and I don't want you to die or be this unhappy. But I CANNOT take on the sole responsibility of keeping you happy/healthy, nor will I help you keep this a secret. Please for your own sake and for everyone who loves you, keep seeing doctors and leaning on your family so you can get better." I've never had to say this to someone, though, so hopefully someone who has will weigh in.
I remember when a friend broke up with her BF. He would call her & threatened to take his life. I told her to immediately call the police or suicide prevention hotline & leave it to the professionals. After weeks of back & forth with threats, he ran his truck off the road & ended up in the hospital. She wanted to go & I remember saying, “Are you always going to be there for him?” She said No. I told her, “Then stop being there for him now & let his family take over from here.” She didn’t go & that sent a big message to him. He never tried to do it again.
I’m not saying it always ends like this, but if you are in over your head…, call the professionals.
I'm not really a fan of labeling certain suicidal people as "attention-seeking". It's not inaccurate, it just sounds...soap-opera-y. Like it's not something to take seriously. And all suicidal cases should be taken seriously. Which I'm sure you understand, just the term "attention-seeking" rubs me the wrong way, somehow.
For me, I'd say the two groups (not "types"; groups) of people who try to commit suicide are the ones who are seriously serious, and the people who are so horribly wounded that they think attempting suicide is the only way to have their cries for help HEARD. They may have tried other things and were unsuccessful.
Anyway. MM's right in saying this is not your responsibility. You done good. Personally, I admire the things you've done so far. But know what your limits are and set appropriate boundaries. If you're feeling burnt out, take a break. Gotta take care of yourself, too.
I could tell you a tale .... OK, since you asked nicely, I will.
Mom used to work in a hospital as an X-ray tech. Her best friend was the head nurse in ER.
There was a guy brought in once a month, regular as clockwork, after a suicide attempt. Everyone knew his name. One night he was brought in at the same time as the victims of a 6 car pile up. Mom's friend grabbed him, marched him along the line in ER, making him look at every injured person, said "That is what pain looks like" and told him exactly how to kill himself before saying "Eff off and don't come back."
She felt a little guilty the following day, and waited for him to be brought in again. He wasn't.
Two years later she got a postcard. It said "Got married this week. Thanks."
Does that always happen? No. But sometimes.
Her stay has been longer than expected. They moved her to the psych ward. All of us, her friends, have been calling her to keep her occupied and her spirits up, and we're visiting tomorrow. She shouldn't be there more than a couple more days, the max length this place can handle is five days, and the doctors don't think she qualifies for all five days. I was on such an emotional rollercoaster yesterday. I think it's because the night before I was in action mode, and suddenly it hit me how serious the situation was.I tried to find a ride up there, but it's such a tiny campus and so few of students drive that by the time I found someone, I heard that the administration had taken her some of her stuff (which was all subsequently taken away upon entering the psych ward). She sounded like herself when I talked to her, just bored, but I we're bringing her a couple books tomorrow (they make more sense than flowers lol). A good nights sleep and hanging out with a couple of friends, that were feeling similarly stressed by our depressed friend, did wonders for me. I still realize that I can't be responsible for her, which kind of goes against every care taker instinct in me, but I'll drive myself nuts if I cater to her. I don't think a couple of friendly check up calls and a reasonable visit on my own terms is too much, it's not making me feel overwhelmed. Nothing like trying to make sure she's eaten more than frosting and gotten out of bed that day, or making sure she doesn't die in the snow...that's overwhelming. Her parents can't cone to town, so she's basically just going to take the last couple of days to pack and leave at the end of the semester like everyone else. But she won't be making any of her finals. And while I'm visiting her tomorrow evening, I'm using the rest of my weekend to study for mine. Thank you all.
i am kind of surprised that she wasn't put in that ward upon being admitted, in my area that is standard protocol for a suicide attempt and the legal requirement is a minimum 72 hour stay, so what you say isn't all that surprising. as well, i did intern in my local psych ward back in the day, taking away the stuff is standard protocol there as well, and they do it to every admit, not based on how severe they think the person is or not. so that factor may be just precautionary. and sounds like you have taken the time to process things your way and are doing okay too. yay for you!! thanks for the update, and good luck on your finals!!
She wasn't admitted immediately because there was a couple days worth of treatment for everything she took, AND it took them almost a day to get around to the psych evaluation. So she spent the first night in emergency, they moved her into general the next day and she was moved to psych on day three. It's probably good that she's staying there longer because her parents were unable to make earlier travel arrangements so she has to stay in town till the end of the semester anyway. Better under care and supervision those days than alone in her room, because no matter how often we try to check on her she'd still be mostly alone on campus.
aw that's sad, but that all makes sense. this time of year this stuff is definitely on the rise. she is very lucky to have you and i am sure she realizes that, even if she hasn't said as much. it's a hard thing to say to people when you are feeling so broken and lost, and i am sure her parents feel the same way. best of luck to you ALL with this, there are some extra gems for you in heaven no doubt : )