OK. This took me six tries to get near right.
Yes. To be totally honest, you are still too damaged at the moment. Abused women tend to go for abusers when they get into a new relationship too soon. You need more time to heal.
Two years is barely long enough to heal physical damage, emotional takes longer.
You'll need help too. Professional help, to get back to who you should be, not who these foul, conscienceless f*cktards have made you become. You go get that, now please. I want to hear that you are in the comments.
And nail this down now: It was NOT YOUR FAULT. Not as a grown woman, and certainly not as a child. Important, that, for healing. You are going to be blaming yourself, even if it is only "Why didn't I leave sooner." Don't.
You will heal, in time, and you will be ready to find a decent partner. One who will be patient and willing to take the time, and give a lot of love, trust and help to prevent the flinching and finish the healing process.
Look, I don't know where, or who, you are, but every decent sized town has a women's shelter, or at least contact with one. They don't just house and help abused women who have left their husbands or families. They will be able to put you in touch with people who can help you put yourself back together. That is what they do. Allow them to help you.
At the risk of scaring you with a compliment - you'll cope. You are one tough and gutsy lady. You have my respect and my best wishes (and my tears). I'll be watching for any other questions from your alias, should you need to ask. We all will.
To the regular and not so regular readers who see this:
Find your local Womans shelter. Contribute. Money, time, whatever they need. They usually don't have the spare cash to advertise. And they need your support. This sh*t happens all the damned time.
Hats off to you, MM for answering this in such a way that I'm sure there's no question where she'll be calling soon...
But really, my respect and prayers go to this woman, I hope to God everything goes well for you and you get better :) Everyone deserves a special someone, especially you.
The worst is behind you.. the only thing ahead is good times. Just be pateint, give yourself some time and it will heal. Some wounds need to be covered to heal, and some need to be exposed...
It's been six years for me now. I was not severly abused, but it was a bad marriage and took all my strength to walk away from it. I'm still single, but very happy about the decision I made. Every morning I wake up, I have to remind myself that yes, this is better. Some days, my job is totally screwed up; most times i feel lonely when i see coulpes happy together.. It takes effort, but I keep telling myself that this is better.
In life, you just need to get up everytime you're knocked down, brush the dust off, and walk towards the future.
I worked as a therapist for 14 years Mystery Man and I couldn't have said it any better. Well done.
Thanks for answering MM I know its not an easy question but i read alot on here and i really wanted to know even tho i do feel that way can i move on, i am 100% better than i was but i guess if i had to ask the question the answer is there.
I actually went to two therapists who both said i was fine...im excellent at pretending to be fine, i guess we learn that over the years but ill talk to someone, i do not want to feel like this for the rest of my life.
Thanks again, it meant alot that you took the time to answer me and to the ppl who commented thank you for answering and letting me know im not alone.
You take your time, hear? You are not alone. Never. Hold that idea to you.
Give yourself another year. You need to learn who you are. What you can be without some nasty b*stard knocking you down. You will feel like more than someone just occupying space, in the end.
And really, don't pretend to therapists. If you are not fine, talk about it. Get it fixed. What, you think you are, a guy? :) We do that dumba*s crap. It is stupid.
You take care of yourself.
after years of an emotionally abusive marriage, coupled with my own "daddy issues" i wouldn't be the strong, confident, single mom i am today without the help of therapy. and i still have problems trusting people. even girlfriends. if you are worried about the cost of therapy, talk to your doctor first. he/she will know of invaluable resources in your area that can help. i work in mental health as well and came across resources that even i never knew existed, so they ARE there. it will take some time but like MM and others have said, you WILL get there. you ARE a strong, confident, and beautiful woman. you just need help finding her again. heal yourself, because you ARE worth it and deserve nothing less than the fabulous life god has given you. she's in there! peace and god bless!
p.s. kudos to MM for handling this, and so sensitively and beautifully as well.
To the asker: I've never commented on any question on this site before, but it felt right to do so now. I've never been in a situation like yours, but all i can say is that your courage is amazing. even though I don't know you my prayers and respect are with you:). what everyone else said is right; you're definitely not alone, though i imagine that it feels that way a lot of the time. there's always help available, you just have to be willing to accept it so you can heal yourself. and seriously i bet that every single person who reads your question wants to beat the crap out of whoever did this to you.
and MM's advice is spot-on, take some time to rediscover yourself, love yourself and rebuild your trust in others. after your ordeals I'm sure you fear being touched and don't want to get hurt. but trust me, some very lucky guy out there is going to recognize you for the lovely person you are, and treasure you like you should have been from the start :)
i can understand why you might pretend to be fine when you see therapists; maybe you feel like they're just offering you empty advice because they don't know what you've been through, having never been in the same situation. In this case i suggest that you talk to people who've been in your situation and recovered, in addition to the therapy. you might find it helpful:)
with all my heart I hope you find love and happiness; if anyone in the world deserves it, its you. God bless :)
To the asker: Ive never commented on a question before, but this feels right. all i can say is that your courage is amazing. I've never met you, but my prayers and respect is with you. Ur not alone, though I'm sure it feels that way a lot of the time. help is available, you just have to reach out and accept it so you can heal yourself. and i seriously bet that every single person who read your question want to beat the crap outta whoever hurt you.
MM is right; take some to heal, love and pamper yourself. take time to build your self-confidence and your trust in others. and no matter how dirty of unworthy you feel sometimes please always remember that someday some lucky guy is going to recognize what a lovely person you are, and treasure you like you should have been from the start :0
i understand why you might pretend in front of therapists. does it seem like they are offering empty advice because they don't know what you've been through, having never been through it themselves? in that case i suggest that in addition to the therapy you talk to others who've been in your situation and recovered. :)
with all my heart i hope you find love and happiness; if anyone it the world deserves it, its you and others in your situation. god bless :)
Long time lurker, first time commenter.
MM, You're fantastic. I've laughed your funny and snarky, smart-ass responses to light questions, and you've brought me to tears a couple of times now with your answers to heavy questions like these. My mother was emotionally abused during my childhood, and I've sought out similar relationships in my adulthood, so questions like these hit close to home for me. Seeing such tough and tender responses from you reminds me that there are good men in the world. As far as I can tell from your contributions here, you're one of them.
And to the asker... people used to ask my mom how "she did it." By "did it," they meant raising three children, keeping a full-time job and recovering from divorce. Her response was always "I have to... it doesn't really matter how."
They asked her that quite often during her first two divorces with my stepdad (yep, same guy, 4 times). People kind of quit asking after she went back again the third time. The thing is... she didn't have to. She didn't have to go back or stay away. She had a choice. She didn't have to spend 16 years recovering from 4 divorces tot he same man. She didn't have to put up with his emotional abuse of her and my little brother. She could have walked away, and probably should have. She made her choice, and it wasn't the right one, but it was a choice. She did wonderful mother things with us, so in that sense, I'm very proud of her. But she did terrible things to herself by repeating the cycle, and for that, I'll always be sad and a little afraid that when I have an argument with my boyfriend I'm also repeating the cycle.
You walked away... not everybody can or does. It's so important that you recognize your own strength in that decision alone. Not everyone moves themselves upward and onward. So when people ask you how you do it, how you get away from an abusive relationship, how you learn to trust again, how you heal and become a better woman, you get to say that you do it because you want to, and that's a very empowering thing.
Kk Im sorry to hear about your mom, I pray my two children know I did the right thing. Its funny you should say that about empowering because one day I just woke up and I didn't even know who I was anymore. I was gone. I remember a month before he had beat on me so bad he put me in hospital, it was the day I couldn't even recongnize myself he hit me again, something inside me (cant explain it) said I can die fighting here or I can move him out. So that night I moved him out and never looked back.
Some day years from now I want to be able to say, look I came back and Im happy. And Im proud of you that you didn't repeat the cycle :) Thats empowering :) Thank you x
You'll do, lass. You'll do.
MM, I have been a member of this site for years, and this is the 1st time I've been brought to actual tears. Maybe its the pregnancy hormones, maybe its how this question hits home with my childhood, maybe I just have a heart after all...who knows, but I do know that if I've ever read a literary hug before in my life, THIS response was it!
To the poster, accept these gracious hugs and know that you deserve them! You are worth so much more than an experience. You are one day going to find the situations you've gone through were character building. You will be take pride in knowing you've lived to tell the story, maybe even to help others. One day long from now, after you've taken time and really let someone in and let them help heal you. Take that time, each and every second that it takes and know that you deserve to treat yourself to some healing TLC, and thats exactly what therapy will be. It will be an ointment for your soul, it will heal you from the inside out :) Smile, Breathe, Trust someone....even if only one solitary person....just someone!, and love yourself for who you are! I'm proud of you for making good choices!