Ouch. I'm afraid you're stuck in the friend zone. On the plus side, he told you in the nicest way possible. I don't think there's any coming back from "I'm flattered, but no thanks." I don't want to say it'll never happen, because plenty of friends do suddenly realize that they are perfect for each other (particularly in Patrick Dempsey movies), but it doesn't sound promising. "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" is just a polite way of saying he doesn't want to date you. Because you guys could just date and not be serious, and he's not even interested in that. It's rough, I know, but there are other guys out there.
The thing is, he probably had at least an inkling of your feelings for him before you confessed. If he hadn't already made a move to be more than friends, it probably wasn't going to happen. At least now you know for sure.
So can you remain friends with him? He seems like a good guy. It will be tough, for sure. In a way, it would have been easier if he was a jerk about it. Now his nice rejection may make you want him more. Some time away from him might make things easier. Once you meet someone else, you can resume your friendship.
At the very least, your confession didn't ruin the friendship. He was moved by your feelings, but he wants to be single. Dating you, someone who he already knows well, could lead to a serious relationship and that's not what he's looking for. Think of it that way--even if it isn't completely the truth--and be happy that he's in your life as a friend.
The thing is, he probably had at least an inkling of your feelings for him before you confessed. If he hadn't already made a move to be more than friends, it probably wasn't going to happen. At least now you know for sure.
So can you remain friends with him? He seems like a good guy. It will be tough, for sure. In a way, it would have been easier if he was a jerk about it. Now his nice rejection may make you want him more. Some time away from him might make things easier. Once you meet someone else, you can resume your friendship.
At the very least, your confession didn't ruin the friendship. He was moved by your feelings, but he wants to be single. Dating you, someone who he already knows well, could lead to a serious relationship and that's not what he's looking for. Think of it that way--even if it isn't completely the truth--and be happy that he's in your life as a friend.
Would you people get out of my head, please? Or did I write in and just forget about it? haha! This just sounds very familiar... like almost identical. Good luck to the real question asker.
:-)
He might be gay.
Hey Nick, thanks so much for answering my question. I really do appreciate it.
You see, things are very complicated. He really does want to be alone: it's why he ended his last relationship. Would he date me? This is a confusing question. It's impossible to answer because currently, we're separated by an ocean or two. If we weren't presumably I wouldn't have had to write that email to him, because we could just hang out more.
The context of this complex and confusing [rather hilarious] sitation is: we were sort of online friends -- we met through a radiohead fanboard. Anyway, we did the usual, add x friend to fb sort of thing. I more or less ignored him -- apparently we just had the mutual impression the other was clever but we weren't great friends or anything -- until last year -- when I had to travel to Ireland for an academic conference, and I was popping by London on the way, so I decided to send him a message -- asking if he wanted to meet up, and he said of course. Prior to this I had written a complicated, cynical fb meme [do NOT do this, irony is a bitch] about my ideal guy and how he probably doesn't exist and he said he was close. And I said, yeah? let's meet and see.
So I suppose we had? a? date??? In any case, he insisted on picking me up at my hotel, paying for everything and sending me back home. THAT was when the damage was done because we could complete each other's sentences. My disposition is nervous, but I wasn't nervous with him. So the crush sort of happened in lieu of his company -- that is to say -- I really wanted to hang out with him more but I was flying back home [to Asia!] and that's how the crush developed, for it's easy to develop theories in the absence of the person. We actually had concrete plans to go out a second time but since I got my flight timing wrong this wasn't possible [also we were trying to work around his work schedule, which was erratic...]. I told him how wonderful it was and he said we have to meet again, somehow, then I flew off.
So deprived of the contact the crush just kicked in. In any case, from then on the friendship became a lot closer, for what's worth -- he's not good with correspondence but he'll usually reply to whatever [of course this wasn't the case *before*]. It tortured me till I got so sick of it [the crush I mean], so I wrote him a long, ironic email detailing it, and he replied telling me that he has issues -- he needs to be alone -- this caused his last breakup. But of course he's "flattered and touched". Only, I quote again, in free indirect discourse, all he asks is that I ask nothing of him. Because [in short] he has huge issues with people having expectations of him in any way -- and this is why he says he CAN'T be in a relationship -- with *anyone* he claims -- at least -- for now and the near future.
But would he go out with me again? Maybe, I don't know. Even now? Possibly, who knows. I don't! It's something only he can answer. We're so FAR -- so -- it's impossible to know -- but he might really go out with me more if we were nearer! After all we were heading for outing number 2 before I had to fly off!
I suppose it doesn't quite change matters though. It's a silly situation and even sillier that we are in this oblique territory of "not knowing each other super well but knowing each other super well". It was surreal having met someone for the first time face to face and discovering he can complete your sentences. He can empathise a lot with whatever I feel too -- but as far as "hanging out" is concerned... we don't, and I guess in that sense we don't know each other well. Just friendly talk -- we didn't have much of that before we met. Only during our meeting -- and now we do it sporadically via email or text.
But I guess Nick is right and all this makes no difference -- it's just a lot more complicated than it seems. I should wait for other guys -- or in any case give up on this one. I *am* happy to have a friend like that -- so I shouldn't ask for more. The only problem is that I can't seem to get out of this crush-thing -- and it's really tough for me to like guys -- I mean -- well, I'm almost 26 and have never even had a proper date [unless that outing we had counted! :P ]