Nothing. You are normal.
Why do you assume that not having a boyfriend means there is something wrong with you? I'm sure you know other women without boyfriends. Is there something wrong with every one of them? No. Being single doesn't make you a loser; it's just life. It might seem like everyone has a mate, or has had one in the past, but that's not true. At any given time there are more people your age without a boyfriend or girlfriend than with one. That makes you normal.
Besides, you're only 20 years old, for chrissakes -- much too young to worry about why you don't have a boyfriend. If you were 48 and had never had a boyfriend, then we might have something to discuss, but you've only been in the dating pool for what, 4-5 years at most?
I actually think it's better not to have a mate at your age. At 20, most people are still figuring out who they are and what they want out of life. They've either started college or their first real job, and they are still learning about themselves, which is what you should be doing. Learning, growing, making friends, having fun: these are all things you can do without a boyfriend, and do better.
When I think of people I knew in college who had a serious bf or gf, they were the ones we never saw because they spent every free moment off with their mates. They had fewer friends and seemed to have a lot less fun than single people. One of my dorm-mates was a great example of this: he rarely went out with us, and every time we were headed out for the bars, he'd be on the phone fighting with his girlfriend. It was like he was already married when he should've been out getting drunk and having cheap wanton sex like the rest of us. The dude missed out on a lot, and then when he and his girlfriend broke up, he was lost and alone with few friends.
Being single now gives you the opportunity to get to know yourself and what makes you happy. Take advantage of it. The better you know yourself, the better you will be at picking a compatible mate later.
Of course, you could meet a special guy tomorrow. Great - go for it. I'm not saying you should shy away from romance. I'm saying that being single at 20 isn't a bad thing.
I agree completely! Take the time to be yourself in the world and find your niches in the world. Learn your strengths and weaknesses NOW while you have total freedom to do so, because being in a relationship necassarily involves compromises and conflict at least a little. If you can really understand your own weaknesses on your own now, you'll be better able to have a truly healthy relationship when you're older. (sorry for the rant...I'm about to end a 17 year marraige, realizing NOW what I didn't understand at 23...)
You will meet someone, probably several someones, all in good time. There's no rush. There's no timetable that says you have to have a boyfriend at a certain age. Don't focus on the fact that you're not with someone right now. Focus on you. Do things you like to do. Spend your time doing things for yourself. You will be much happier that way. And surprise, surprise, happy people attract others to them. Chase your dreams. You'll never have a better time to do it than now. You have lots of time ahead of you to find a boyfriend.
There's all kinds of time to be in a relationship. No need to rush into things for the sake of being in one. I don't think I started making good relationship decisions until I was 25. And most guys (in my experience) were closer to 30 before they pulled their heads out. Live it up!
*Ouch, Clarity. Sorry to hear that. But good for you!
love this answer, cary. sometimes it feels like you're the only one who's single and it sucks. your advice and insight is encouraging and spot on, as usual.
Thanks. Glad it helps.
I am in a really similar position. I'm 20 and I've had a couple boyfriends but I'm in the middle of a dry spell and I HATE hearing how guys are like, I just want to score with girls, its too much effort to care about someone, blah blah and I'm learning about myself. Since when did GROWING UP make people incapable of caring about others???? They treat relationships like its some kind of burden they're not looking forward to, or something that ties them down that they have to do later. It bothers me. Having a girlfriend doesnt make you lose ALL your friends. People in UNHEALTHY relationships do that, but thats not good or normal. ...... And thats fine if they dont want to be with girls now, but if the time ever comes around when they want to be with me I'll be like tough shit you didnt appreciate me. I dont want to be with a guy who has trouble caring if he's too stressed or trying to grow up. We are always trying to grow up and we are always trying to be stressed-- they are not valid excuses for a lack of maturity.
My whole life is a dry spell
You give good answer. Seriously, I never get tired of your advice. You rock, Cary!
Thanks, M!
Great advice, Cary. I couldn't agree with you more. There is so much life to be had, before settling down. This is the time in your life where you have the ability to be selfish... do things for you and find yourself along the way.
It's funny, the age one can find themselves at when they stop striving to be older. .
Exactly. Be selfish and take care of you.
thanks
you make it seem like being in a relationship is something that ends your fun! Thats not a healthy attitude. Dont treat caring about men like you do taxes! Honestly I feel bad for people who run away from relationships cause they think its somehting that they will jsut do when they're older. Clearly, theres a lack of understanding about what relationships bring to life. If they dont make you happier, you shouldnt be in that one. I feel like most people with this attitude have seen lots of divorces and think its inevitable that they will tie you down and make you unhappy. But, I think thats kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you think of dating in terms of people who you are being tied down with, then you'll feel tied down. If you think about dating in terms of getting to spend intimate time with someone you could potentially love then there's nothing to be runnings from...
No one said relationships end your fun. Our point is that you can still have fun and enjoy life without one.
"When I think of people I knew in college who had a serious bf or gf, they were the ones we never saw because they spent every free moment off with their mates. They had fewer friends and seemed to have a lot less fun than single people. "
Dude Cary I usually love your posts, but you said YOURSELF that people you know had less fun because they had boyfriends.... and then you used this information about their clearly dysfunctional relationships to dissuade people into singledom.
I'm in college and there's nothing more frustrating than having guys give me so much attention but for the wrong reasons. I'd rather have them not come talk to me if they only are paying attention to the words coming out of my mouth cause they like my body and want to get to see me naked later. Its just so pathetically animalistic in a way. Its like, haven't you evolved??? The only things you like doing are eating food and having sex??? Don't get me wrong, I do LOVE having sex. But i have a mind too, and it would be nice if guys were interested in that instead of scoring with me.
(Yes, there are guys who ask me out on dates... but Im sorry but they are ALL creepy. I'm not going to lower my standards on hygene to not be single. :p )
He also said: "Of course, you could meet a special guy tomorrow. Great - go for it. I'm not saying you should shy away from romance. I'm saying that being single at 20 isn't a bad thing. " I think if you looked at his answer in it's entirety, rather than picking out the pieces that you most identify with, you would see that he is encouraging her to embrace who is she at this moment in time in her life. She shouldn't have to sweat the small stuff...love will happen eventually.
I'm 20 and I've never been in a serious relationship. It does suck sometimes, especially in college when it feels like everyone has someone. Those people though, aren't having nearly as much fun as my single friends and I are. I just remind myself that I have the rest of my life to worry about finding a mate. It's hard enough carrying a full course load and job. I'd rather worry about what I'm doing on a friday night.
Great answer! I'm having the same problem, and I always felt like something was wrong with me. You give great advice, and now I feel better about myself.
Thanks, Kelly. I'm glad.
What advice would you have for that hypothetical 48 year old then? I'm sure there are some out there. I am 31 and am in the same position, never boyfriended, not even kissed. What to do?
ur 31 and not even kissed? it's so easy to hook up at like clubs/bars, college parties though... what did u do during college?
I guess Sal went to college for an education, and not to whore around. "it's so easy to hook up at like clubs/bars." Ick. Enjoy your STD.
true im 19 and I never had a real relationship I understand how it feels to be single for long periods of time it can get aggravating but you got to have fun with it because if you dont you will just be sitting around by yourself being sad about not haven any one your time will come and someday maybe mine will as well but it takes time just have fun dont wait
I'm 19 and in college. I just started my first relationship. High school stunk because it felt like everyone had a bf/gf. I was never even asked out in high school (I'm a little bit of a geek, but I learn to live with it) It was really nerve racking the first couple dates :) I felt really inexperienced, but the feeling doesn't last long. As we got to know each other we relaxed more. I agree with Cary, try to focus on being yourself. You can have fun being single. Plus you could meet guys while out having fun! I met him at a rock climing event.
omg thanks so much Cary honestly im glad that I read your response which makes me feel so much better about myself bcuz I also am 20 yrs old and had never had a boyfriend and I always feel less experienced and kinda bad about myself but you just confirmed that I am normal and theres no need to rush at my age, one again thanks :)
Thanks this helped alot!! I'm also 19, attractive (from what people have told me) and have never had a boyfriend. I'm glad I'm not the only one out there.
I'm 20 and many, many guys tell me that i'm hot and good looking and stuff, but i'm still single and sometimes i really do think about it because everyone my age either likes someone or is in a relationship. I'm in neither of the category. I used to like someone ages ago but i dont even have anyone in mind to think about right now. Sometimes i wonder whether somebody has cast a spell on me. I seem to size up every guy i meet and i'm just not interested. It is fine to know that there are others too, but sometimes when i'm alone i do tend to think about these things. I'm not desperate as such because when i find a guy, i need him to be right for me but sometimes i just wonder how it would be to have a guy who loves you and how it would be to experience your first kiss!!!
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