Rather glad I delayed answering today ...
Yeah, I try to avoid breathing because sometimes things smell bad.
We can do this two ways. I can lie to you and make you feel better, or tell you the truth which you will hate. Since I dislike lying, guess which way we are going.
That is one of the biggest self esteem problems I have ever seen. I'd make a wild guess at pushy and distant parents, followed by the usual late childhood/teen feelings of isolation and a couple of relationships or friendships that turned toxic. Could be wrong, but really doubt it in your case. You are almost textbook.
You won't date because you are not perfect and can't stand having your nose rubbed in that fact.
Wise up, chica. No one is perfect. No, not even WiseAss, though he is the closest.
No one expects perfection of you except for you. Since you know you are not perfect, you expect to be judged on it all the time, and you fear that judgement.
So you do the adult equivalent of hiding under the blankets. Disengage from everything that makes life worth living and justify it by it being "safer." Crawling is safer than walking. You miss an awful lot of sights if your head is down all the time. Eating raw food is safer than risking burning yourself by cooking. You miss a lot of taste sensations if you don't cook.
Safety is over rated.
Sounds stupid, when put like that, right? So, how do you fix it.
Date yourself.
Now stop laughing, it makes sense. You cannot date others until you are comfortable with yourself. Until you actually like and accept yourself as you are. So get to know yourself. Be honest - and that means sometimes giving yourself a pass. That, despite the words of Gene Kranz, "Failure is sometimes inevitable."
You are human. Treat yourself as such.
You may need help to untie the knot you are in. Go get it if you need it. And yeah, I'll keep an eye on the comments for a couple weeks, in case you need to talk more.
Had a cousin in the same bind as you. Failed her. Never again.
as a girl who got pregnant and had 2 kids within a time span of 2 years and 1 week, I gotta say, stretch marks are nothing. I look like a bloody road map, does my guy mind? not a bit. I brought them up once and he said he never really noticed them. I use to think someone would be so turned off by them. you can't live your life being afraid of what someone else'll think. If they really care about the trivial stuff, then they're not worth your time.
I know, you probebly heard this 1000 times. I had (and it's still not steller) a horrible self esteem problem. everything from strech marks, to my little toe (literally) to my overly nervous nature had me scared half to death. friends telling me how pretty or awesome I was didn't even dent the self esteem issues. It took a REALLY great guy who always turned the lights on, wouldn't hesitate to touch my tummy, stayed through my periods of panic and still puts up with my mood swings without complaint before I realized I was the only one judging myself for the imperfections.
no ones perfect, anyone your with will have flaws of their own. the only ones who will point them out and make you feel bad about yourself for them, are toxic people you don't need to be around.
Great advice from a real and honest person. Your husband and kids are lucky to have you.
We women are taught from an early age to be very appearance obsessed. Guys don't have this impressed on them nearly as strongly as women. My son has stretch marks on his hips and back because he's tall and grew to his full height rapidly. He thinks they're funny and if a woman was so concerned with a little thing like that as to reject him over it, he would figure she wasn't worth his time anyway..
To me, what you are describing ("daily judgement") is NOT a relationship. A boyfriend should not pick you apart, or even care about stretch marks. I'm 5'5" and I'm 190 pounds, but my boyfriend loves my size (as long as I'm healthy, which I am). I feel self conscious about my stomach sometimes but he kisses it and hugs me around my middle all the time. A relationship is something that is mutually satisfying. If it isn't, then it's back to the drawing board.
Let's be honest. Rejection is scary but the benefits of having someone to love and who loves you in return is worth the risk. Try not take "judgement" personally with men you're dating on the short term. Think of it as them telling you, indirectly, to keep looking.
So I'm a maladaptive perfectionist with attachment avoidance. You're good at this. Psychologist, per chance?
The thing is, being aware of the problem doesn't seem to solve it.
I did an oil painting once and it hangs on the wall in my parents' house. People often comment positively on the work, and sometimes if I glance quickly enough, with little enough thought, I seem to agree.
However mostly, I can't look at the painting at all without cringing and wanting to rip it down. Generally any analysis of the painting leads me into a deep pit of crushing disgust from which I have difficulty clambering out.
You see, I'm so busy sinking under the weight of my own compulsive criticism that any contribution from other sources will see me drowning.
I want to take risks, but I don't want to break.
I'm broken enough and I'm barely functioning.
Thanks for the reply, I really didn't expect one.
I feel you. I'm the same way. I'm very perfectionistic, both about my creations (I'm primarily a writer) and about myself. It's so horrendously destructive.
I know you weren't just talking about looks, but that seems to be the root cause of insecurities like that for a lot of women. With that in mind...
I totally understand where you can be self conscious about what you look like naked and being afraid of rejection and whatnot, but I can tell you that once a regular guy is in the room with a naked woman he's not judging, he's just glad to be there.
My wife was incredibly self conscious the first few times I saw her with anything other than full work attire, and I have no idea why. She used to make comments about how she thinks she's fat and how she's got stretch marks and how her legs are too short etc. etc. I never really saw those "flaws" instead my attention was drawn to the things about her that I absolutely love - she has a gorgeous face and smile, large breasts, hourglass figure and sexy hips... and I told her so, over and over again and in time she's learned to believe me when I say that she's beautiful and that I find her sexy and she's embraced those things and now knows how to use them to maximum effect.
I wanted to add, that although the comment above may leave the impression that I had formerly self-diagnosed, that is not that case.
I knew I was a perfectionist, a terrible underachiever, an awful procrastinator and I knew I had attachment issues, but I had never really correlated these things. It was only after reading your reply and employing some google-foo that I came to that realisation. So thanks.
The real question is, how the fuck am I going to abort this mission of self-destruction?
To all the others who replied, I really do find it heartening that there are men out there than can see past imperfections.
Nah, not a psychologist. Just a half way decent [Redacted]. Same basic thing, really - listen for problems, then fix them. And no worries about tone - said you wouldn't like the answer. I deliberately flicked you hard in a couple spots. Cheap trick, but effective in finding the truth.
First, you have to want to fix yourself. You sort of do, but the thought scares the everloving crap out of you, yes? That comes through loud and clear.
Being a perfectionist is hard on you. You wind up doing nothing, rather than risk failing at something. The thought that you need fixing is completely at odds with the perfectionist side of you. And yeah, the "I am never good enough" that you feel - talking about your painting comment - really, really sucks. Been there too. Most people have.
This one, I need to think about, it isn't a one liner fix.
So tell me - apart from painting moderately well, what do you do?
What do I do? I've done many, many things then jumped overboard when I made a mistake or felt a mistake was unavoidable.
I have a degree in Journalism and a Diploma of creative writing. The way I got through these degrees is interesting to me now.
I spent a lot of time drinking, partying, skipping classes and procrastinating. Generally I'd do no study for assignments until the night before the paper was due. I'd speed read, take uppers and scrawl maniacally, threading together something that resembled an academic paper. When I inevitably received an average mark I would put this down to the fact that I didn't really try. I mean, if I tried and still received an average mark that would be devastating.
I courted with the professional world very briefly, deciding quickly that my peers were far more talented and would soon discover the real, pathetic, incompetent me.
Rather than risk that happening, I eventually settled for a low-paying, very structured vocation. When there is no initiative to be taken, no mistakes can be made. I work with animals. I enjoy working with animals, but I feel dissatisfied.
That was an incredibly turgid response to a simple question. Sorry.
And when I read that back and discovered all the grammatical errors, I spent 5 minutes frantically searching for the 'edit' button.
Case in point. :D
OK.
A one time offer.
I edit as well as write - in fact I am a better editor than a writer. Drop me your email in a question - to keep it private - and I will live edit you, that is editing you while you are present and paying attention.
You know me, I won't lie. If it is good, I will say so. If your writing is bad, I will say so. You up for it?
And this is for fadingout ONLY. I will get seriously annoyed if anyone else tries it.
Sounds interesting, yet terrifying. You're asking someone who doesn't deal with criticism at all to put themselves on the line.
I'll send you my email and you can tell me what this involves, but I may get cold feet.
This is totally my case. I really don't believe when ppl tell me Im pretty or amazing. I think they are lying to me and trying to make me feel better. I was in a long term relationship where everything was a constant judgement! It was insane! hell, even my dad during my childhood used to say I was never going to be as good as him. I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how much exercise I do, no matter how much I read I'll never be good enough. I have a good job, take care of myself, eat healthy, caring, respect my parents (Despite their shitty parenting) and I'm so damn alone. At first I used to say "There is someone out there for me" but as the years pass I really dont think I'll find that person, I'm simply not Mrs Right. So, good bye to the wishes of traveling the world with someone especial, no valentine's day for me, no cuddling in the couch watching a nice movie on a rainy day and of course, no romantic moments. Oh yes, and I'm a virgin.... my last and only boyfriend never wanted to touch me because according to him he was "asexual"... funny, he used to bang his ex before he met me :(
Sorry for the depressing post but there are wounds that sometimes never heal, valentine's day is soon and it really depresses me a lot. Mostly because all my co worker's get flowers and stuff and I get nothing. Even when I was in a relationship I used to make a gift to my bf and he would just say "Oh, forgot its valentine's day".... and he turned me down when I wanted to go to a romantic restaurant that same night, simply because he doesn't like romance stuff. I know he is a guy but seriously, I guess any girl out there likes romance once in a while. Oh well, I will never understand life at all.
You should also take MM man's advice about dating yourself. Send yourself flowers or take yourself to the spa or go out with a bunch of great girlfriends. Do all the things you've always wanted a man to do for you. Also who says because you haven't found Mr. Right you can't travel. I love traveling and I've never let the lack of a male companion stop me. You can find a group tour for so many different countries or you can travel with a girlfriend.
Don't let some bad boyfriend's and bad experiences stop you from living life. Your life has value and meaning with or without a man. So get out there and start living!!!
Good Luck
Wounds heal. Scars may look spectacular, but they fade until no one notices them but you.
You need to get out and be doing. Screw Valentines - it is a fake holiday anyway, designed to sell cards and flowers. If some scholars are right it is a Christianization of Lupercalia - the feast of the prostitutes. (points for anyone who gets the reference and pun)
You really miss that?
You cannot judge half of humanity by the behavior of one self absorbed dick. The only person you are hurting by doing that is you. The fact that the self absorbed dick was your arbiter of right and wrong as a child makes no difference.
So quit it! Get out and meet guys, take a chance and see where it goes. You will never understand life if you don't try it.
LOL well to be truthful, so are Christmas and Easter. Christmas is a direct copy of the Mithranic holiday celebrating the Sun God, which fell exactly on Dec 25, while Easter was a pagan fertility holiday, hence the rabbit symbology.
Lubercalia was the mythical wolf who nurse Remus and Romulus, mythical founders of Rome, common knowledge, but I missed the pun...
It makes more sense when you know that Lupa was slang for a prostitute. Technically a b*tch, so Romulus and Remus were real sons of a b*tch.
Oh, cool, I didn't know that bit of knowledge. Very clever pun!
Sofia, your dad really set you up for a lifetime of self-hate. That was a terrible thing for him to do.
Also, your ex boyfriend sounds like a douche canoe. You deserve better!
I get sad hearing these stories about women that hate themselves. I’ve been there. didn’t come out of the house for a year because of it. oddy enough, i too was 34 when i was going through that. it’s no way to live, even if it feels safer. It’s not safer, it’s actually quite restricting. I am not that way anymore, but here is what i have learned, and i am going to babble to some length for a bit so bear with me. you have a perception problem, i always refer to that quote, once you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change, when i see that. In your case, you need to change the way you look at you, like MM said, start dating yourself and come to the realization that you are amazing. Not perfect though. Nobody is, it’s about accepting those imperfections. When you become okay with them, nobody else will even notice them, like other commenters have said. But we all tell ourselves every day how much we suck. Some to higher degrees than others, for some people, that is a fleeting moment, to others, it consumes their every day. i can tell you that you are amazing until i am blue in the face, but it won’t make a difference if you don’t believe it yourself. You need to, as i said in another post, reverse your soundtrack so that you hear more positive than negative. You are an artist I see, so I am going to give you an example of Hemingway, one of the greatest artists of writing of all time in my opinion, who told himself he sucked on a daily basis, but did not let that prevent him from winning the Nobel Prize for Literature. Or in your case, the man of your dreams.
his story Old Man and the Sea is a classic tale of aging. Literary scholars young and old have attempted to seek the symbolism found in one of his greatest works, but Hemingway himself claims there isn’t any. "There isn't any symbolism. The sea is the sea. The old man is the old man. The boy is a boy and the fish is a fish. The sharks are sharks, no better, no worse. All the symbolism people say is shit. What goes beyond is what you see beyond when you know." He wrote this story after suffering much criticism from his previous book, Across the River and Into the Trees. Hemingway was deeply wounded by the critics and The Old Man and the Sea was his response to them. Of COURSE, there is symbolism and allegory in Old Man and the Sea, if there wasn’t, he wouldn’t have won the Nobel Prize for Literature. The fish is obviously his previous novel and the sharks are the literary critics who “ate up” what Hemingway thought was a masterpiece.
What Hemingway was trying to show was that, you can’t go through life without dealing with the sharks. There’s no “might” or “maybes”, they are there, waiting to eat you alive. When it comes to YOUR life story, they are there too. No doubt about it. But hemingway fought back against them saying, who cares what they think, so long as you think you are amazing, nobody can ever take that every from you, but only if you truly believe that about yourself.
The truth is there will always be sharks to contend with unless you choose to play it safe on the seashore and paint your life story about pretty beaches and golden sunsets. But guess which story of the sea is going to win you the Nobel Prize for Literature? Again, or in your case, the man of your dreams. See, you can sit on the seashore and wait for him to come to you, or sit on the seashore safely knowing he isn’t going to come but feeling very safe about not even trying so not having to deal with them, or you can go out, face the sharks, and keep fighting them until you find him.
I have said this here before, but I like to think of the word FEAR as an acronym of sorts, False Evidence Appearing Real. When we consider fear as nothing more than our own self created paranoia that nobody will like a single thing about you, you have self defeated yourself on the basis of false evidence that only appears real. Getting out there and dating is about not confronting that fear, but ignoring it all together, trusting your SELF and your intended goal. Once you change the way you look at FEAR, the FEAR you are looking at changes. But nobody here can do that for you. you have to make the choice and do the work. But it’s soooooo worth it. This i CAN promise you. I apologize for the length, your story touched a chord. someone said similar things to me once when i was exactly your age and i started leaving the house again. and i was in pretty bad shape, probably worse than you are right now. and now i don't really care what the sharks think so long as i stay true to me. Good luck!!
Great response and lots of food for thought. Thank-you.
It gives me hope to see that someone can extricate themselves from these binds.
It's an act of usually futile desperation, reaching out to random strangers on the internet. Surprisingly I've found this experience, although still a desperate act, to be enlightening and comforting.
I suppose the agony aunt is underrated.
you are so welcome. it's very comforting here, more often than it is not, it's why i keep coming back anyway. it may feel desperate to you, but it is not an act of desperation to seek solace, even from strangers. it is a sign of strength in and of itself. i did get help extricating myself, i had therapy, and people that wouldn't quit on me, but i do hope the source of my low self esteem is different than yours. a good relationship helped as well, ironic isn't it? the very thing you want to avoid could be one of the things that could change your life for the better. truth be told it is a process for everybody. i too still have my days where i would rather give the sharks the finger and go back to bed, it's a conscious choice every day. you don't do the work and then you are done, it doesn't work that way because there will always be room to find imperfections. ESPECIALLY if you are an artist at heart. you do the work every day, for the rest of your life, and the reason you keep doing it is because you know it works. there IS hope for you. if you want it.
Somehow this got me thinking about Marty McFly, who wouldn't play guitar because of a fear of rejection. Just get out there and date, girl. If someone likes you, they'll like your stretch mark too.
Chrissie and MM, thank you, reading your posts made me cry because all you say its quite true. Sometimes is so hard to say something positive to myself but i will keep trying. I do travel alone and do other things on my own, its just that sometimes it sucks not to have someone to share that with, but you know? after reading your posts I feel a bit stronger today. I will read this again whenever I feel down. I deeply thank you all for your comments. I will try to face the sharks out there.
What do I always say?
"Don't cry, idiot. Just fix it."
Figure you'll do.
sometimes you have to cry, i will give you that. it is a good release in the moment, you just can't stay in the moment. he is right, you have to move on and then DO. i will say some of my best traveling has been done alone. if you go into it with the mindset that you wish you weren't alone, you won't get what you can out of the adventure. it's hard to be positive when we are inundated by a world that seems to reward the negative. it's very difficult. that's why it takes a conscious effort every day to choose otherwise. i am at the end of my day more or less so i apologize if i am not as clear as i could be. (that's me hating my own words i haven't even said yet. see, it's a process for everybody, nobody has 100% perfectly fabulous days. nobody.) but what i was going to say was, it's kind of like taking a shower. but a shower for the inside. somedays, taking your daily shower is just...like breathing. you get up, you get the grunge off, you just do it because you know you can't start your day without it and it makes you feel at least a little better than you did before you took it. some days it makes you feel really great. (i love really long showers where i don't have to worry about a child, a deadline, or a phone ringing lol) some days it just makes you feel, meh, but enough to get you through the day. some days you have to really force yourself to get in the shower and it still isn't enough to get your mojo going, but it still gets it going, a little bit. but no matter how you felt before you got in, it ALWAYS makes you feel a little bit better than you did before you took it...so, working on you is like taking your "inside" shower every day. you just have to make the choice to do it, and give yourself the time to take really good ones once in a while, and only focus on enjoying the moment, and not all of the flaws, imperfections, or distractions that could ruin the moment, because it's about just enjoying how awesome you are...in that moment. and knowing that even though it might be a drag sometimes to put in the effort, you know once you've put in the time you will always feel at least a little bit better than you did before you started, but from the inside out. eventually it becomes habit. if YOU are good to you, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks of you. it really, really doesn't.
Avoid being born, and you'll never die. Seriously though, perfect safety is a myth and doesn't exist in nature. MM is spot on, not one person in the world is perfect. The celebrities on TV and in magazines, they're the work of extensive makeup artists and postprocessing technicians.
Absolutely, until you love yourself as you are now, flaws and all, you naturally have subconsciously and unitentionally sabotaged any relationship, making you prefer loneliness. But once you accept yourself, love yourself, your good traits along with your perceived bad traits, others will do the same. No one you'll find will be perfect and any person worth being with will accept you are you are, your total package. Stop focusing on your weaknesses and everyone else's strengths, and start looking at your strengths.
I recommend you read up on Maltz.
well well ... I hear you too :-)
how many of us have passed through it .. strict parenting- check, late adulthood-check, insecurity issue-check, abusive relationship check
took me 15 yrs (my youthful lovely years) to break free of a stinking dying abusive marriage- and 5 more to get it finish- so much heartbreak and my ex used to constantly bring me down- I dress wrong- I look bad, - Once we were ready to go on a trip with his friends and their families- bags packed and he left me and went alone- saying ''you look like my mother, damn- I dont want to be seen with you'' ... words like these imprint on your mind- words that haunt you to the extent that later, when even someone genuinely is proud to be seen with you- you doubt it, fear that he is lying for some ulterior motive. :-/
all the advice given- I bet you already know it- you already know the secret of 'loving' yourself first- you already try to find out what is wrong with you- etc etc.. there is nothing new anyone can add..
just one thing- whenever you ridicule yourself in your mind - say aloud ''leave me alone- I am fine as I am- thank you- no ciriticism'' .. that voice will gradually fade- it does work for me- hope it can for you too.
love
mandira
And - I owe you a huge apology. Been ashamed of myself since I posted that answer, almost took it down twice, but kept it up to remind me.
Please accept it.
awwww... I accept your apology- on one condition- lol .. send me an extra large virtual bouquet with a 'accept my apology' virtual card on sagi-ox@hotmail.co.uk .. oh while you type - do go down on knees
... .. just kidding, it's OK MM- you are better person for acknowledging it - and that in open. you are a human and so am I. I was rude too, and voila- I apologize for my behavior aswell- I was not in a good place and 'misery loves company' .. :-)
I normally see when a person is in a bad place.
The failure was mine.
http://www.crimsonrose.co.uk/images/Bold%20bouquet.jpg
- though not on my knees ;)
While not to your extent I had some similar issues. I had some rather self-destructive habits. While I have since disciplined myself to stop, it left some very noticable and obvious scars. Most believe my cover-up lies, but a few have seen them for what they are. One is my fiance, he says they make my very fair, translucent skin look even more beautiful for the contrast. It took a long time for me to accept this, but I eventually did. I hope you can come to realize that you are lovely, just not to everyone. It's made my life better. I'll leave you with two final thoughts if I may: "Scars are just tatoos with better stories," and "true beauty is far more than merely the sum of your parts." Things will get better, it will just take some work.
I often believe other people deserve the world and I deserve nothing. It is easier for me to treat others better than I treat myself.
To fix this, I have a photo of myself when I was six years old hanging in my room. I look at that girl and I can't imagine treating her badly or telling her she doesn't deserve to be happy or that she is anything less than wonderful. And then I remember that the little girl is me.
It really does help.
This is interesting.
A couple of years ago I stumbled upon a picture of my 9 year old self. It was an image that had always made me cringe. A sad, tubby girl wearing an ghastly thrift store outfit to complement her untidy hair. Even at the age of nine that image and everything I thought it represented had made the bile rise within me. I'd always hidden that picture away, so the feelings of self-loathing didn't bubble to the surface.
However, at that time, two years ago when I found the picture, I stopped in my tracks and saw something else. I saw the image of a little girl who was completely alone. Someone who had been cast aside by absent parents (it wasn't their fault, they were struggling themselves) and peers alike. Someone who needed a real friend, someone to tell her she was worthy of life and that everything would be okay.
I apologised to that little girl for rejecting her for so long, for not cutting her a break when she needed it the most.
Then I realised that little girl had been me. That little girl was STILL me and I promised to try to stop hurting myself, because if you can't even be your own friend, how can others be expected to embrace you?
What can I say. I've never been good with self-promises. I need to get that picture out again for a refresher.
beautiful.