Man, I wish I still fit into the clothes from my modeling days. Those
sailor suits were adorable. Everyone said I was the cutest kid model in
the biz. "Lil' Superstar" they called me. Catalogs, commercials,
in-store appearances--you name it, I did it. Agencies wanted to sign me,
other kids wanted playdates with me. Sadly, I got addicted to the nose
candy (I stuck Twizzlers up my nose for kicks) and it was all downhill
from there.
Seriously, don't worry about intimidating guys. As long as you're not arrogant, you'll be fine. If anyone is intimidated, they aren't worth your time. I've said this before: you should never make yourself less interesting to land a man. This notion that men are not attracted to successful women is absurd. When douchebags see a confident, sexy woman, their panties drop immediately. When they get rejected, that's when they claim she's too into herself or "isn't even that cute." A healthy level of confidence and humility is all you need. You definitely don't need to offer a laundry list of your qualities to potential dates. Make sure to show interest in other people first, and let them discover your good qualities. Tone down the "you show" a bit-- it always helps to be a little mysterious-- and you're bound to meet a nice guy.
There are probably other issues at play. Are you too focused on work? Do you miss out on social opportunities to meet new people? Also, if you're looking for "good" dates, clearly the issue is quality over quantity. Are you setting unreasonable standards for your perfect guy?
Do you tend to meet men in bars or at work? If so, shake things up. Have you tried online dating to narrow down the dating pool? Do you rule out men who might be less successful than you career-wise? Are you attracted to jerks? Take a good hard look at the sort of men you date and you'll probably notice a pattern. If so, break that pattern immediately and start fresh.
Also, it's important to realize that, no matter how much of a "package" you might be, we all have trouble finding "the one." It takes time, effort, and patience. You'll kiss a lot of frogs, but eventually you'll find your Frog Prince. (Just try not to get too many warts along the way.)
Seriously, don't worry about intimidating guys. As long as you're not arrogant, you'll be fine. If anyone is intimidated, they aren't worth your time. I've said this before: you should never make yourself less interesting to land a man. This notion that men are not attracted to successful women is absurd. When douchebags see a confident, sexy woman, their panties drop immediately. When they get rejected, that's when they claim she's too into herself or "isn't even that cute." A healthy level of confidence and humility is all you need. You definitely don't need to offer a laundry list of your qualities to potential dates. Make sure to show interest in other people first, and let them discover your good qualities. Tone down the "you show" a bit-- it always helps to be a little mysterious-- and you're bound to meet a nice guy.
There are probably other issues at play. Are you too focused on work? Do you miss out on social opportunities to meet new people? Also, if you're looking for "good" dates, clearly the issue is quality over quantity. Are you setting unreasonable standards for your perfect guy?
Do you tend to meet men in bars or at work? If so, shake things up. Have you tried online dating to narrow down the dating pool? Do you rule out men who might be less successful than you career-wise? Are you attracted to jerks? Take a good hard look at the sort of men you date and you'll probably notice a pattern. If so, break that pattern immediately and start fresh.
Also, it's important to realize that, no matter how much of a "package" you might be, we all have trouble finding "the one." It takes time, effort, and patience. You'll kiss a lot of frogs, but eventually you'll find your Frog Prince. (Just try not to get too many warts along the way.)
Yep. I saw the same thing.
Asker: If you're being honest and trying to really get advice, you've come to the right place. Where else can you get right to the point of your situation in 20 words or less and not fear sounding arrogant? I don't know what city you live in or near but here in Southern California you would fit in just fine (I imagine other major metropilitan cities, as well). There are plenty of events where you can put yourself out there - museum and art gallery shows, movie premieres, radio and TV station parties, music/jazz festivals, not to mention a ton of singles mix-ins. Check out the websites telling what's happening in the city of your choice for the upcoming weekend. If you've got the bucks, go for a matchmaker - they're pricey but if you're serious, it might work (no, I haven't hired one). Nick's right: it's okay to put your best qualities forward here so he can offer advice but tone it down when getting to know a potential date. Good Luck~
to asker: I think you do sound arrogant. Even if the question is honest and legitimate, you should probably take a good look at yourself. I hope you're not dismissing "bad" guys because of superficial reasons. It's quite ironic when you say "what can I do to seem less intimidating?". There's an assumption here (I don't know what your MAs are in... I'm guessing... not english) that your credentials are the problem.Well, it's possible it's your attitude too -- although that hasn't occurred to you apparently -- since you haven't mentioned personality as part of "the package".
I don't know how you are in real life but if you go around introducing yourself to guys as "the package", particularly with that "killer wit" of yours, it might not help you to come across as "less intimidating."
Keep in mind that we are all of us a little idiosyncratic and finding someone is not all that easy, especially if you're a little weirder round the edges (relatively speaking). What you're partly up against in the choice of a good partner is an existential crisis. Everyone faces that. Being "the package" doesn't matter at all (thinking that you are matters even less). What matters, to my mind and from my experience, is a certain je ne sais quoi: some mix of charisma, friendliness and tolerance for other people's foibles. It's not an easy thing to have (I don't have it -- I can't tolerate bad grammar in a guy for instance. I just can't.But I'm happy being alone till Mr. Right Combination turns up -- and if he doesn't, I don't care) -- don't be so quick to assume that only others are responsible for the state that you are in now.
I agree with your assessment Lorraine. I think the LW sounds a tad conceited (or perhaps insecure, and therefore thinks she needs to list all of these qualities). Men being intimidated? Please. Probably every woman alive has been whistled, leered, or honked at by some really old man or random dude on the street--are they ever initimidated by looks, no matter what state they themselves are in? And who starts off a letter with, "...former model who still fits into clothes I once modeled?" Saying "attractive" or "fit" would have sufficed. Perhaps, as Nick suggested, priorties and standards for determining date-worthy men need to be adjusted.
i don't disagree with most of what you said, but i think mentioning wit was her way of including personality, and there was implied drive, also a personality trait.....so while i think some internal reflection is key here, hopefully those meant she takes more than the physical into account
I wouldn't call her arrogant, I think she was just listing her good qualities to show Nick she is a catch. That doesn't mean she goes listing them for her dates. I've been told by guy friends that my combination of looks, intelligence and glamorous career make me intimidating to a lot of guys. I don't go broad casting my achievements to dates, but I'm not going to hide my career because it's something I'm passionate about, and men figure out that I'm intelligent just by talking to me (and as soon as they hear what that my career is.) I totally understand he letter writer's frustration. I'd tell her to hang in there and don't be afraid to approach guys. I've also found that sometimes I have to get the know a guy before a relationship develops. Just remember there is nothing wrong with you and stay proud of the woman you are. It's hard to meet the right person, but there are men out there who will be proud of your accomplishments.
To asker: try dating confident men. I've started doing this, and it's so nice to be able to be competitive at a game of Scrabble or climbing trees or running impromptu races and have them not care at all that I win. In fact, some of them like it cuz it means we are at the same level. Also, when they are confident in themselves, they are free to give you compliments and just notice you, get to know you without being so worried about their insecurities and impressing you. It's so nice to not play those silly games. It's hard to find them, though, but they are out there if you look.
Another thing, one of my guy friends is very arrogant, on his dating profile he likes to say that "his female friends say he has is act together" and doesn't let anyone forget that he has a good job, lives in a city he loves finally, and thinks he's a nice dresser, fun, etc. He is a fun guy, does have a good job, is smart, etc BUT he can't carry on a conversation for beans (he thinks he can, but it's mostly talking at people, not to them), is nearly impossible to get to really know and connect with, judges everyone he dates against some weird scale, and basically turns out to be a douche after dating him for alittle bit (this is how we met, so I know). I am friends with several other girls he's dated and no one wants to be friends with him now - he's just too narcissistic and came across as a jerk and totally controlling due to his insecurities (this was the reason for listing all his "qualities" - it's easy to see this from off-hand comments he makes). So, after that novel, point is - don't let your insecurities show that are hiding behind your qualities, if that is the case. Feel confident in who you are, know you are worthy of a great, confident guy, and genuinely get to know someone. Remember, there are other great people out ther elike you, give the guy a chance to prove it, try no to judge on superficial, silly things (will he buy me flowers or do x just b/c I ask, etc? games, ya know), and things should start looking up for you.
Note: not saying you are a narcissistic jerk, you are probably a nice girl, but just in case - i have seen that before with people who never think the problem is them.
Best of luck to you! Dating is not easy, finding a great guy is really, really hard
Your guy friend sounds exactly like a friend of mine! Do you catch him checking himself out in the mirror at every opportunity, too?
If so, it could be the same person! Haha
actually the concept of a pretty woman not having a date on saturday night is not all that old, just saw a two and a half men episode the other day where charlie told his nephew to call the pretty girls first, because they are the most likely to be available. frankly, i think some commenters are being a little harsh on this poor girl, it had to take some humility to go to a guy oriented forum to pose this question. it is likely that the kind of people that find this girl arrogant, after seeing just a few words of hers, probably just can't relate to the problem of being too pretty to be approachable. i also agree with another commenter that judging from what she did focus on outside of looks (education, career, and personality) are indicators she is looking for something that is not all that superficial. great response tho nick! a little mystery goes a long way, as does lowering those standards just a smidge.
Dating isn't about what kind of a "package" you are, it's about compatability. You are not a sports car. You describe yourself as if you are trying to sell a house. Stop thinking of yourself as some kind of prize, or in terms of what you have to offer (and why more people aren't bidding), and start thinking in terms of what would make you happy. Someone you feel comfortable with? Someone who makes you laugh? Look for that real connection with someone, instead of putting yourself on a pedestal and wondering why men don't throw themselves at your feet.
And no, I'm not trying to call you arrogant. But I will agree that opening with "I used to be a model" is kind of like a guy who tries to pick up women by recounting his high-school quarterback days. Don't live in the past, and don't be a trophy.
Be a real person, flaws and all, (and yes, you do have some), and find a real person who will love you for those flaws, not for the paragon of perfection you are trying to project. True love doesn't happen when all someone sees is an idol- it happens when someone sees you when you're feeling fat, or your business is less successful, or you say something really stupid- and they love you all the same.