First off, I decided to answer this question as a counter to Funny Guy's "So You're Fat" blog because I think it's important to get more than one viewpoint on this issue. Will you find love if you don't lose weight? Yes, absolutely. Because, and this is something I firmly believe, there is someone for everyone. There is someone out there who will love that you're a vegetarian percussion major who digs South Park and Colbert, and will fall head over heels for you. Perhaps you've already met him, and he's too afraid to share his feelings. Or perhaps you'll meet him in the future. But he is out there, and will fall for every aspect of you, not just your body. Will you attract guys if you lose weight? Maybe, maybe not. Will you attract them if you keep being the awesome person you sound like you are? Definitely.
Not every guy wants a stick thin, coked-up supermodel type. Some guys like curves, some don't. But you know what we really like? Confidence. We want you to feel good about yourself. We want you to be happy with your body. I agree with Swaim that if you want to lose weight, it should be for yourself and not to please a man. And of course diet and exercise is important. We want you to live a long, healthy life. But I don't agree that losing weight is the only option. There are plenty of miserable skinny people out there who can't get dates. Be happy with who you are--even if that is someone who doesn't fit society's preconceived notions of female beauty--and guys will take notice.
Also, I think we all know that society (and the media in particular) has ridiculous standards of what is considered "overweight" in females. I never expected to rush to Jessica Simpson's defense over anything, but I had to shake my head when people started calling her fat a while back. Really? Curves equals fat? She starts to look like an actual woman, and not a plastic Barbie doll, and all of a sudden we have to put her down? That's the sort of mentality that leads to eating disorders and body image issues. One person's "overweight" is another's "healthy curves." Not to get all "after school special," but try not to judge yourself by a culture that once considered Kate Winslet overweight.
So play up the things that you like about yourself. You sound like you already have a lot going for you. Be confident in that, and proud of who you are. Put yourself out there; socialize, pursue your interests and discover new talents. Right now there is a guy out there longing for a smart, funny, cute percussionist to eat veggie tacos and watch South Park DVDs with. The sooner you stop obsessing over weight and get out there, the sooner you'll find him.
Not every guy wants a stick thin, coked-up supermodel type. Some guys like curves, some don't. But you know what we really like? Confidence. We want you to feel good about yourself. We want you to be happy with your body. I agree with Swaim that if you want to lose weight, it should be for yourself and not to please a man. And of course diet and exercise is important. We want you to live a long, healthy life. But I don't agree that losing weight is the only option. There are plenty of miserable skinny people out there who can't get dates. Be happy with who you are--even if that is someone who doesn't fit society's preconceived notions of female beauty--and guys will take notice.
Also, I think we all know that society (and the media in particular) has ridiculous standards of what is considered "overweight" in females. I never expected to rush to Jessica Simpson's defense over anything, but I had to shake my head when people started calling her fat a while back. Really? Curves equals fat? She starts to look like an actual woman, and not a plastic Barbie doll, and all of a sudden we have to put her down? That's the sort of mentality that leads to eating disorders and body image issues. One person's "overweight" is another's "healthy curves." Not to get all "after school special," but try not to judge yourself by a culture that once considered Kate Winslet overweight.
So play up the things that you like about yourself. You sound like you already have a lot going for you. Be confident in that, and proud of who you are. Put yourself out there; socialize, pursue your interests and discover new talents. Right now there is a guy out there longing for a smart, funny, cute percussionist to eat veggie tacos and watch South Park DVDs with. The sooner you stop obsessing over weight and get out there, the sooner you'll find him.
Thank you.
Wow, thanks for countering Swaim's column. I didn't realize it until I read this that the whole weekend I've been walking around with "So I'm fat, so I'm fat," circling around and around in my brain, and trying to figure out if that's the reason no guys seem to be attracted to me.
But I'm not fat! I even know that I don't get dates because lately my idea of a fun night is to sit around with my roommate in our apartment knitting and doing crossword puzzles (all we need is cats next). And my scintillating and witty thoughts are reserved for my numerous philosophy papers that keep me at my desk instead of out in the world and meeting guys. Oh, that and I'm as shy as hell.
So yeah, those are things I need to work on, but my weight is not one of them (okay, well I should probably build some muscle, but that's not the same thing). It's weird how a phrase like 'So you're fat' can just latch on, and you don't even realize that you're worrying about it.
So thanks Nick.
oh puh-lease. nobody is concerned with our longevity. that's just a nice way to put "don't be fat for me"
This guy hits it on the head..I grew up stick then..went to college on a volleyball scholarship. I would kill myself to stay thin. Then I got diagnosed with cancer and with treatments and hormones I gained close to 100 lbs....Even though I had a steady man...Fiance actually..He cheated on me. I thought it was the weight? umm no..she was about 350 i was 215. But I lacked major self confidence..Now ive lost some of the weight but not all..Im thicke but not huge anymore..but I get more guys at this weight than I did when i was way skinny and even when I had a 6 pack..I have more confidence and I feel more beautiful now then ever..It also didnt help that this past weekend I went to a 10 yr class reunion. The guys were mostly fat..bald..or everyone was divorced. They were all telling me how beautiful and young i looked..So see beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Be true to YOU. Work on YOU from the outside in...In high school everyone wanted to be the "IT" girl...I was popular in high school but not the "It" girl...But when I stepped in that reunion...I had BECAME the "it" girl..The real It girl had been divorced 3 kids and never went to college..Its all in WHO you are...BECO
ME the "It" girl by stay true to yourself and never change yourself to fit a man...and NEVER..I mean NEVER settle!! Good luck!!
Thanks so much for answering my question! I just feel like I'm in a weird place. I love love love my music, my studies, and my friends, and I know I'm an extremely fortunate person... it's just difficult sometimes, seeing my friends getting guys all over the place and many of them fitting the 'college girl' image and going out drinking all weekend. and then there's me, not drunk off my ass.
Its very interesting to read all of these comments, and wonderful to hear so many opinions. the only boyfriend i ever had (he and i lasted somewhere around 3 months, senior year of high school, we went to separate schools) is one of my good friends now. guys i've crushed on from high school are now my close friends in college even if we don't go to school together anymore, let alone reside in the same state. i just seem to work better as a friend at this point in my life for some reason... still can't figure it out. maybe one of these days that will change.
thank you all for your words and again I appreciate you answering my question Nick!
also i thought this was going to post just generally so i dont know why this showed up under your comment tattooedbeauty!
I have been 5'7 and at 170 lbs since I was about 17. I've gone up and I've gone down but pretty much maintained around there.
Then I got fed up with looking at myself badly. I am in good health, nothing is really wrong with me. I can move without getting out of breath. My legs and back are in sound condition. I truly have always believed that I have a pretty face. I have a body that works, that takes me where I want to go. I appreciate and love my body for that. I have curves, an hour glass figure that I inherited from a long line of Irish women. I love that I so resemble my mother and grandmother. I am really starting to feel beautiful.
Now, that one change in my perspective has almost opened up my whole world. People are being nicer to me, stangers, family and friends. I was even on the bus the other day and struck up a conversation with a really good looking guy who was more than happy to talk to me as well. Sex with the guy I'm seeing now has gotten better since I don't really feel embarressed anymore. He never ever complained or ever said anything negative about my body but he has definatly seen the change in me and really appreciates it.
Confidence is power. If you love yourself and are nice to yourself and appreciate your body for all that it enables you to do, you can't help but attract good people to you. Feel beautiful and others will feel it as well. Also, be healthy. Caring enough about yourself to take care of your body is the ultimate form of self love.
So kudos to you, thanks for the article. Mind-set is extreamly important.
AMEN to that!!!!
I completing agree with this! Its not about your weight, it's about feeling beautiful!
Thanks everyone! I really felt there should be another viewpoint on this issue, as it's more complex than " just lose weight."
Nick, just a quick clarification, when you said:
"Right now there is a guy out there longing for a smart, funny, cute percussionist to eat veggie tacos and watch South Park DVDs with."
That was meant to be taken literally, and not as a euphemism or anything, right?
Cause if it's the latter, she should have no problems attracting guys then.
No, veggie, not pink tacos.
Speaking of, have you seen the Taco Bell Volcano Taco?
http://www.grubgrade.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/volcano-taco.jpg
That's just wrong.
no yeah... i dig the veggie tacos. really. vegetarianism all the way.. (watch the documentary, Food, Inc. and you'll think twice about burgers for the rest of eternity) thanks so much for the advice, Nick :-)
Seems to me, having pondered both sides of the arguement, that it doesn't matter what you do if you're not happy with yourself. So many of us look to something external, hoping in vain that 'if I lose weight, I'll be happy' or 'if I have a boyfriend, I'll be happy'. It's bunk. Happiness comes from having the courage to accept who you are, warts and all. Beauty comes from having the confidence to express it.
Once you've dealt with who you are, anything else you do will be something you do for yourself, not for anyone else.
Hear, hear! You can't wait until you've lost weight to start living your life.
This is interesting. The thing is, as far as losing weight is concerned, it's almost like Hegel's 'bad infinity' (sorry, I can't help it, I'm writing my MA thesis at the moment >_
With regards to what Swaim said about fat being unhealthy, I assume he's talking about obesity. But often our standards of what is "fat" include a healthy weight! Sometimes it is hard to lose weight because of medical conditions -- as a girl on Swaim's blog posted. I am a US size 10 (at least most of me is), which I think is more or less "normal", but which some people think is really fat.
I would also like to say that your body shape affects the perception of your size. Most of me is size 10, except my boobs. I have to wear size 14 tops because of my boobs... This is ridiculous and inconvenient -- as well as frustrating. I know many size 10 women who LOOK thinner simply because they don't have big racks. I even know size 14 women who look thinner
The fact is, from my observations (alas, that I can 'observe' tells you about how many dates I get) -- guys are really less shallow than most people like to assume. I know lots of people much heavier than me who constantly get dates. I don't, but that's because my idea of fun is reading Roland Barthes at 3am, then learning about complex numbers. I have many male friends, and almost all of them say it's a matter of character. The 'fat' only matters to a certain extent.
Thanks Nick -- and sorry for the ramble ;)
Don't worry about being overweight, it just means you'll get a guy that likes you for who you truly are, curves and all. I didn't date until I was 28 and I thought it was because I was fat. Turns out, I had a whole baggage claim of issues that I needed to deal with first. Once I got those under control I met a great guy who can't stop looking at my upper curves long enough to notice that my stomach isn't exactly flat. lol. And we've been together a year and a half now. :)
I'm still trying to lose weight for health related reasons, but it's great to know there are people out there who can love us through thick and thin.
I've been thin and overweight, probably more time in the overweight category. I find that people seem to find me more approachable and are more open with me when I am overweight. I did get more male attention when I was thin but always seemed to find out these guys were fairly shallow. Although I'd like to lose some weight, it seems that I should be able to find a guy who accepts me as I am now. If I can get in better shape later in the relationship, great. If not, at least I would know the relationship is more than "skin deep".
I've been thin and overweight, probably more time in the overweight category. I find that people seem to find me more approachable and are more open with me when I am overweight. I did get more male attention when I was thin but always seemed to find out these guys were fairly shallow. Although I'd like to lose some weight, it seems that I should be able to find a guy who accepts me as I am now. If I can get in better shape later in the relationship, great. If not, at least I would know the relationship is more than "skin deep".
that helps me out 2so ty for the info
There are two things in this world Baby loves!...1 of them is speakin in 3rd person & the other is FAT BURGERS!! In other words embrace the booty cuz its gonna stay this way!
I would rather be healthy and avoid a whole host of issues that come later in life as a result of being over weight than attract a guy. I have a very thin friend who also happens to have a really pretty face. She goes through so much bullshit with guys. I'm glad I don't look like that. For one thing, the guys only want to get into her pants. There are very few people who are actually into who she is rather than what she looks like.
you really have no idea how much this has helped me nick! thanks so much!!!
- K
Exactly How overweight are you ? Its a fact, men are visual creatures and so are we as women. I bet if you worked out , you would feel better about yourself and be more confident. Personally, I lost 13 lbs and went from a size 6 to a size 2 and I feel 100xs more confident so it doesnt matter what men are attracted to me, its the fact that I have more options to be choosy about now ! Working out also sends signals to men, that you are care enough about yourself to take care of yourself and take pride in that. They also think in shallow terms of If you look this way when you are young, imagine in 10 years or when you have a baby.
first of all ms size 6 now a 2, you were never fat to really understand this article, but it is true that you should take pride in your body. not only for your physical health, but mental health too. i, on the other hand, used to be a size 11 in hs and then went to college, got engaged, he left me for another girl and i got all depressed and was all i'm gonna make him WISH he had me back so i went down to a 7. and since i'm only 5' 2', that is a HUGE difference. i'm a thick girl so i would look unhealthy smaller, but still i kno i look good now, but honestly its bullshit what you have to put up with and HUGE SECRET GIRLS! MOST GUYS DON'T REALLY REALLY REALLY CARE ABOUT YOUR FACE AS LONG AS ITS NOT TRAGIC. its all about the pleasure, which is why they tend to be all into girl's bodies and not brains. granted, there are a SOME men that are not into that, but they are few and far in between, and most of them already have boyfriends. the more "unhot" the girl is, the more likely you are to find real love. and thats not mean or brutal. its just the ugly truth, no pun intended. and big girls, honeys! ya'll are beautiful too. just cause you have curves doesn't mean you need to hid them or worse, be ashamed of them. some dudes are into that. so to the "just lose weight" asshole, well hate to bust your bubble, but YOU are the kind of guy that makes straight girls turn gay. they get jaded over and over again by men that are just into the skin deep beauty and not the inside beauty, so they go for someone they know actually CAN relate and understand them and at the same time give a damn. and if you wanna know if a guy is a real trooper for you, don't be giving out the booty! make him work for it! and i dont mean some fancy over the top crap, but let him know just cause i can be cheap does NOT mean i'm free. nor does it mean you can be a door mat. guys show "love" to get sex, so in response, ladies show sex to get love. true story. but its all just fake in the end so do it the right way from the start and there will be no issues. also, just cause a guy has a nice outside doesn't mean he has a nice inside, or vice versa. a guy in a business suit with a breif case and a pretty face can hit and cuss a woman just as well as a guy in a wife beater with oil stains. likewise, a guy in a wife beater with oil stains can be the real deal and make just as much bank and sometimes more than the pretty boy business suit breifcase guy. and i'm not just saying that because i'm from the south. i'm saying it cause its true. ladies, you know how you hate guys judging you for your looks, well guess what? return the favor! they're not all assholes and if you stop looking so hard, you get better finds. and that's about it. thanks for taking time to get better educated. :)
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