Tough situation--but not uncommon. That doesn't make it any easier for you, of course.
The relationship between your daughter and your boyfriend will only improve when he learns how to handle her better. Both are guilty of antagonizing each other, I'm sure, but he's the adult in the relationship and needs to act like it.
Of course your 13-year-old is cheeky--she's 13! The fact that he's letting her get under his skin doesn't say much for his patience or maturity. Maybe he has no experience with kids, but common sense should tell him that dating a single mother of two young children is never easy, and he shouldn't be surprised by resistance from either child, especially the oldest, and especially a teenager.
Think about it from your daughter's point of view: she's 13, a hard age for all kids, not just ones from broken and/or single-parent homes; her father doesn't live there, so I'm guessing she doesn't see him that often, or at least not as often as she would like; and now she has to share her mother not just with a boyfriend, but an uptight one who has little patience for her, clearly favors her sister, and got his panties all up in his crack because she borrowed his Avatar Special Edition Director's Cut DVD without asking OH THE HORROR OFF WITH HER HEAD.
I'd be cheeky, too. Hell, I'd be outright rebellious. Anyone would. And now she's banned from his home. Perfect. That will teach her. What does he expect you to do, leave her at home alone when you and your six-year-old come over?
You have every right to date; that's not the problem. Your boyfriend's reactions are the problem. He might be an awesome guy, but he needs to work on his coping skills, i.e. being empathetic enough to understand why a child in her shoes might challenge him at every turn, and thoughtful enough to realize that children's behavior isn't the same as adult behavior--the causes and motives are completely different--and that he can't react to a child the way he would an adult.
Yes, I'm sure she's a tremendous pain in the ass and could stand some soap for her sassy mouth. She's not blameless here, and needs to try much harder not to provoke Capt. Bunchypants. But I put more of the burden on him as the adult to step back and view her insolence for what it is: anger, sadness, fear, and being 13 years old.
They both need to grow up, but it starts with him.
Poor kid. Maybe she misses having her Dad around and doesn't want you to "replace" him with your boyfriend. She also may be having some feelings of being abandoned. You don't say where her Dad fits into the picture, but if he's not around much, and now your boyfriend wants to exclude her, she may fear that you will leave her too. If your boyfriend does force you to choose between him and your daughter, you need to make it perfectly clear to both her and to him that she is the one you will choose. I think your daughter needs some reassurance and your boyfriend needs to realize you and your daughters are a package deal.
Excellent answer, C. Well said.
Love Love LOVE this answer.
If he wants to marry you someday and he plans on being with you then he needs to grow a pair and realize he's marrying into an already existent family. What is he going to do once you're married? Make the older daughter live in the garage so she won't "steal" any of his movies?
Sorry, but to me it sounds like he's a bit of a prick. I think you can do better. You're looking for someone to love you AND your girls. They're a part of you. And if he can't do that, I would say drop him. Your daughters should come first, no matter what.
Thank you both.
I know this post was forever ago about I really hope you did the right thing and left this guy. I went through the same exact thing...only I was the 15 year old that my mom's live-in boyfriend hated. He went out of his way to try to get me in trouble, lied to my mother about things I supposedly did, was rude and insulting and generally just a complete ass to me. (Unless other people were around. Of course) He even went through my room, found and read my diary, and showed my mom an entry about contemplating losing my virginity to my then-current bf. We fought constantly and the hate was mutual, until he finally gave my mom an ultimatum..."It's either her, or me." She laughed in his face and said good-bye. The scum didn't leave right away (he had to find another woman to support him first, ya know) but that was it. I found out about all of this long after he left, but it made me both angry and amused that this idiot thought a good mother would actually choose a man over her own child. If he can't love your kids, he's got to go. When you're a mom it's a package deal. Adios, el douchebag.