Religion shouldn't obstruct love. Race shouldn't. Financial status shouldn't. Gender shouldn't. The sad fact is they all do, because deep down we are still tribal oriented primates who usually react without thinking.
If it were simply your parents, I'd say go ahead. You owe your parents respect and love, but they do not own you. You own yourself and set your own path in life.
Being shut off from the society though is a huge thing, not something minor. Think of it like moving half way round the world to a massive city where you don't speak the language at all. You are both going to feel terribly lonely, even with having each other.
How long will you stay loving if you start to blame each other for your isolation?
No easy answer this time, sorry. It is going to come down to what the two of you decide together with your eyes firmly open.
Good luck to you both - you'll need it.
may i ask why your parents have the power to end your relationship?
I live in Lebanon where people, espcially older generations such as my parents, would completely disapprove a relationship with someone outside of our religion, most probably because other religions seem different, and according to general beliefs, people following other religions stray. But this isnt something you can base on a certain religion, anyone is susceptable to losing their way.
By society, do you mean your respective religious communities? I think that if you are involved in your community, their opinion carries more weight than if you are not. For me, my parents' opinion matters more than the community. I'm in a similar situation, with my bf from another religion. My parents wouldn't approve if they knew, and most likely not my religious/cultural community either.
Its a very tough situation. In the end, I think of it this way: you have options: a) end the relationship because of societal/ family pressures, and for example, face the chance that you may fall for someone who is not Muslim again. In this case, its a cycle of pressure. How you let it affect you is your choice. The second is, b) Stay with your bf, and start being honest. I know its difficult. I also know others who have chosen this path and its not an easy one. But as of right now, they are married. They hope that their parents will come around, and have made the best of their situation. I know its not the easiest for them or her parents.
I think this comes down to more than your relationship, but whether you want to be able to freely make choices about your life in the future. Good luck, and I this helps.
Yeah exactly. My boyfriend told his parents and his dad was okay with it but his mom wasnt. I guess she's a lot like my parents. And I heard once of a civil marrriage here between a muslim guy and a durze girl, and the girl's parents killed her. It's just awful how close-minded and ignorant people can be.
And thank you for your comment, I very much appreciate it, and I definitely need luck.
Really tough scenario to be in. My family is devout Christian, if you have seen the movie Religulous, they are that kind of Christian. My mother is a priest (Anglican, women can be priests) and she tried for years to stuff that stuff down me and my brothers throats. My father is also very traditional Christian.
My current fiance is Jewish. Her parents are actually very accepting of the whole thing, as I still do practice Christianity, I am just not closed minded and ignorant. My parents would have none of it though, they were very mad and at the time I was living at home as I had recently moved back home after some time in the military. So I had a choice to make, a) continue living at home and hear their complaints and have them yell at me every meal time, b) continue living at home and give in to their demands (leaving my, at the time, girlfriend) or c) move out, live with my fiance, and suffer the consequences.
I chose to go with C, I do not bend to the will of ignorant and prejudiced people even if they are my blood relatives. I was removed by the Church I went to (my mothers) and had many people come up to me and voice how disappointed they were. Not by me being with a Jewish girl, but because I chose her over family. Even some friends gave me a lot of grief over it and I lost a few in the process. My father and I have not spoken since, and he apparently says he has three sons (my three brothers). Every photo of me has been removed from my parents home, though my mother apparently keeps a couple albums of those photos she looks at.
So, I made the most drastic choice you can make. Now most of my family speaks with me and we get along again. My father and one of my brothers are still not speaking to me but my mother, two brothers and extended family have all begun to open up and we have family dinners and such again which my fiance is invited to, and attends. My mother even went to a few bridal shops with my fiance and it apparently went very well. All of this took nearly two years though.
It takes a heavy toll on the soul and the body to be separated from everything you know. I started drinking with friends every night I could, and was more prone to anger, though never towards my fiance. My anger came out in my job, which is not good as I am a Police Officer. I lost nearly 35 pounds of muscle, I was a national football and rugby player when I was younger, and became very ill for a few weeks as my immune system was shot to hell. It is really hard, and was really hard at the time but I wouldn't change it if I could. My fiance was the one person who accepted whatever came with a big smile and a helping hand. So, for me, it was worth it.
I am not saying you should do what I did, I just want you to know a different point of view and experience. I do not know your situation well enough at all to give any advice or say what you should do, I just hope you might glean something from what I went through. Best of luck to you.
Im so sorry you had to go through all that. I can imagine going through similar things once I get married to my boyfriend because that's how much Im willing to do just to be with him. I must say you are very strong now that you almost conqured all, and I wish you all the best so you can be healthy again. And I thank you for your comment because now I know this wouldnt be the first time someone overcame such a hard situatiion.
It’s sad that love doesn’t conquer all…
It truly is.
My parent's come from two different denominations. This Thursday, they'll be celebrating their 32 wedding anniversary. Mom's parents were totally opposed to the union, while Dad's welcomed Mom and made her a member of their family. It won't be easy, and they've been very frank about how badly it sucked at the beginning of their relationship having very little emotional support. But I, my siblings, and my kid are all very happy that they were lucky enough to find their penguin in the first place and that they worked their butts off to get to 32 years.
Do you fear your parents (or his) fear the other religion so much as to they would end your's or his life over it?
"It is a great poverty to decide that a child must die so that you may live as you wish" - Mother Theresa
It just bugs me hearing about parents who shun/kill their children....to me, that should be the most unbreakable bond between two people. Especially when the child is just following their heart.
I'm a druze girl who was just forced to break up with her non-druze boyfriend. Neither my ex boyfriend nor I are very religious, but my entire family is very traditional. By entire family, I mean mom, dad, aunts, uncles, grandparents, first cousins and extended family.. It's a big community. I'm expected to marry within the druze community. But you can't decide who you fall in love with right?
When my then-boyfriend and I started dating, I kept it a secret from my family, and the druze community. Because they didn't know, seeing each other and spending any real time together was really hard and put a real strain on the relationship. The never/rarely seeing each other was all we argued about, but it wasn't even an argument; it was just both of us being upset.
About a year and a half into the relationship, my family started getting suspicious, thanks to Facebook. My mom asked me a couple of times, "who is this guy in your picture?"and just questions about how I know him, or if I was going out somewhere, she would ask who was going, but I would completely disregard the question. I wasn't 100% sure what their reaction would be, but I knew that there was a better chance of it being bad than good.
Finally, the day before our 2 year anniversary, one of my cousins approached me and point blank asked me if I was dating him. Thinking this was my chance to get an answer to my question on how they would react, I told her the truth. Her immediate reply was "break up" and wouldn't hear anything else about it. She actually went to the point to say, "if you're not broken up in a week, don't talk to me anymore. You're not going to be in my sisters bridal party." So, the next day we spent a nice day at dinner, then instead of spending the rest of the evening together, I told him my family knew. I didn't even have to say that we had to end it, we both knew it was done.
That was it, I gave into what my family wanted and broke up on the day of our 2 year anniversary. Almost 3 months later and I'm still very unstable. Dropped 20 pounds, working myself to exhaustion to keep my mind off of things. He and I were nowhere near getting married, but we often talked about going away together and the future didn't scare us. Because of this unfortunate situation, I resent my family for making me lose him in my life. So not only did I lose my love, but my relationship with my family isn't the same as it used to be. They still act like nothing happened and think everything is perfect, but I'm not as happy as I used to be.
I completely admire the comments of the people coming clean and telling their parents and saying they moved in and got married to their significant other. I wish I had enough courage to tell them off.
You made the wrong choice. You found someone special in your life and you threw them away to please the people that make you unhappy. The people that would knowingly force you away from someone who makes you happy, who completes you, for the soul purpose of pleasing their own desires. It's a blatant exhibition of selfishness and is parasitic in every way. Yes, many say that "family is forever" whereas love can be fleeting. But ask yourself this. Who honestly had your best interests at heart? Who wanted you to be happy for who you were? Who actually loved you unconditionally? Suddenly family doesnt seem like the most dependable entity in the world and love with a partner doesn't seem so insignificant. What it comes down to is the family you live UNDER or the man you could have lived WITH. Unfortunately it seems that you have already made your decision. I hope you have come to terms with this choice and understand what it entails. Good luck, Rae, you have a long, unhappy, life ahead of you.
Dear StevenE,
I write this reply to you in good faith. While I understood where you were coming from in your response to Rae, I did find it to be somewhat harsh. Although I do believe that you were just trying to be honest, I feel that you responded to Rae's comment without truly understanding how it must feel like for her. I just felt like the tone of your comment was somewhat judging and it seems as though she's already been suffering enough. Do you truly understand the pressure of being disowned by your family and entire community? It's easy to tell one to follow their heart, and to hell with everything and everyone else but believe me, it's a lot more complicated than that. I was just curious if you have ever been in a situation similar to Rae? Have you ever been left by someone because of racial/religious differences? Has your family ever threatened to disown you for marrying/dating outside your race or religion? What would you do if that were the case? I hope you don't mind all the questions but it would be great and much appreciated if you could answer them.
And how do you know for sure that Rae has "a long and unhappy life" ahead of her? How do you know what lies in her future? She may meet the love of her life, or she might not. But regardless, there are many ways a person can find happiness and fullfillment. I don't mean to sound all new-agey, but it's true.
Kami
I admit that I do not understand what Rae's family situation is. I will not pretend that I do. But if I sound bitter, it is because I am. I am not Druze, but I once loved a girl that was. Despite the fact that I am educated, well-mannered, driven, and successful, not to mention deeply in love with her; her family forced us to break up because I am white. I never had a chance to meet her family yet my skin color was enough to deny me a life with her. This is the 21st century and I live in Canada. I had thought racism was a thing of the past.
My name is not Steven, it's Ian, and I lost the love of my life on our two year anniversary.
Well I'm a druze girl.. so I can tell you that Druze people.. especially in lebanon! are very strict about "staying" in our religions.
Even for guys they totally disown someone if they date or marry someone out of their religion. Some are ok with it but 99% don't approve of it.
I don't think religion should come in the way of love. If you love someone then you love them. I don't know. It depends on if your willing to lose your family and he's willing to lose his.
It can be hard especially if you're close with your family. It's your decision in the end depending on what your willing to lose.
wow!!! reading all these comments, I can relate 100%, I am a Muslim girl dating a Muslim Guy for 3 years already, we love each other to death, we also know it will be very hard to marry each other, I am 26 already and want to settle down, but I admire my parents and he admires his, i dont want to loose him or my family !
Ian, I'm really sorry about your loss. There's few things more painful than heart break, I would know because I've been there. I understand why you would feel bitter, and in a way that shows how strongly you feel about this girl, but I just hope you don't let that bitterness eat away at you or your memories of her. I'm not sure if this will make you feel any better, but most of the time in situations like this, it's not that the girl left because she fell out of love, but due to the immense pressure of family and communitiy, and yes I know that many people think these girls should just tell their families/communities off and do what they want, but as I've mentioned before, it is no where near that easy and I'm not sure I could ever explain it well enough to help someone understand if they did not grow up in such a culture/faith. In a way, I think the girls in these situations have it even harder. Think about it, in addition to the pain of losing the one they love, they also have the guilt and regret of hurting the one they love, even though they didn't really have much of a choice. In circumstances like this, they're truly between a rock and a hard place. I can understand how you feel that losing your girlfriend was due to racism, but most of the time it's not because the families have an issue with the person's race, or because your're not driven, well-mannered, educated, successful, and deeply in love with her. Those things count for a lot and it's great you have all that going for you. However, the family/community's desire (which is not always about selfishness) to see their members marry within in their faith is more about a deep and profound attachment to their roots and heritage and have a wish to preserve that. They do love and value their familes and children.Most of the Druze I know are a good and tolerant people who are usually able to integrate very well in the countries they immigrate to and settle in and also have respect and tolerance for those who are different than themselves. However, when it comes to marriage, I find that most feel quite strongly about staying in the faith to preserve their heritage.This belief is not just unique to the Druze, but many other religions and cultures as well. Often the ethnic, non-white cultures are accused of racism and intolerance when it come to their beliefs about marrying out, but I know of Druze and other non-white girls, who have faced rejection and racism when meeting their prospective white in-laws. You mentioned that you thought racism was a thing of the past, but unfortunately that's not the case. It makes me sad and frustrated at times that the world is the way it is but I really hope that one day it will change. Good luck to you Ian, and please try to keep an open heart, it does get better, even though it might not seem like that right now.
I've just read this entire thread. I'm Druze and I'm exactly at that point where I've met a great, wonderful guy who loves me for me and now I'm at risk of losing him, almost definitely, because my parents found out. They still dont know Im seeing him but I dont know how much longer I can keep doing so because it's so stressful at home. I'm so angry at my parents for having to make me choose between getting kicked out, shaming and breaking apart the family or him. But to me the choice is more than just him, it's about my freedom too. It's killing me, living like this, I've never had strong links to my community so I couldnt give a damn about not seeing them again but my family is my family. Could I be so selfish as to betray them?
But would caving in make me resent them more and fuel my anger?
I feel so lost right now, kinda wish I had one of those spiritual gurus to help. Guess Im not alone and for all of you who had to suffer the heartache, my heart is aching with you.
What does it even mean to be Druze? It's a spiritual way of life, so why can't that spirituality be extended even when marrying someone not religious or of a different religion.
All I know is that if I ever have children, whoever I marry, I will help make sure that they don't go through what we're going through.
Hi She, sorry about what your going through. It seem like you see your family as being the main barrier to being with the one you love, but do you have any concerns about any discrimination and prejudice that you might face from society or your potential in-laws as a result of potentially being in an intermarriage?
Hi all,
i am 26 christian women dating a druze in secret from my parents(large family) and community for 3 years.
i can relate to your difficulties. I love him so much and i am very afraid of the moment my parents would know. i am even afraid on my life.
I feel completely lost sometime when i think about this...
I think civil marriage in Lebanon would sure help out and more and more people would step out. They are denying us our fundamental right to happiness. humans are humans no matter what their race or religion.
hope we stick together.... and that love prevails
I'm a druze but born and raised in canada. I too was forced to break up with my Asian girl friend of 4 years in threats of disowning. Its hard being druze! I suggest other religons don't get involved with a druze, cuz it most likely will end in heart ache. Since my parents brought me into the world I felt I owed it to them to listen...haven't been happy since. Its been 5 years since the break up.
Salamo Alaikom Everyone,
Brothers and Sisters,
I was amazed by the this information. My advise as Muslim man (And I come originally from Druze religion) is to read about druze and not ask your friends or someone else about druze. Your friends, the community, and your parents know nothing about Druze coz we simply not allowed to read about our religion unless we cross 40 and in the other hand we read nothing about other religions except looking at the TV!
My very important advise for our druze youth is to read and find out by themselves where they came from. I personally found out that we are Muslims and we are ruled by Islamic rules, the marriage contract is based on Islam, if someone of us DIE we read or turn on Qur'an in the funeral, if we have any civil rights problems our main court is the Islamic court! so why for God sake we contradict each other!
Plz note: I'm NOT trying to change or convenience any body in here, I liked the thread and mainly I'm just sick and tired of being lonely coz I have doubt about marrying a druze girl that will refuse me as Muslim but comes originally from Druze and in the second hand meeting a Muslim girl that she will know that I was druze, or her parents might refuse! So I'm basically in 3D World isolated in another dimension, thank God, I personally don't care that much coz if God had written something for me then it's going to happen and marriage is a destiny and it seems I have to work hard on that either to find a Muslim girl that she understand and her parents accept my situation as unique Muslim man or find a druze girl and she might became unique Muslim girl like me.
My Advise for the girl or boy that met a druze guy or girl is to improve her/his information about Islam and Druze and teach or inform her boyfriend or his girlfriend, if both of you became Muslims then do NOT worry about anything else in this World coz God is with you, and never face your parents and community with OUT knowledge, education will always nail things down!
I'm just waiting for the right girl to come and believe me, I'll never care about my parents what they suggest or say, coz I believe as Muslim man with my Muslim Druze girl (or any Mazhab Muslim girl agrees on my situation) that we are on the right path as God stated and his messenger. This is the Freedom by Itself! coz it's God's Laws and rules and not human's Laws and rules based on interest and emotions.
I wish you all my Best, I feel with all of you coz I have went through too many things myself... plz read the following Articles.
Caution, there will be a lot of confusion in these articles.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Druze
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ismailism
I'm a non- Druze girl. I have been I a relationship with a Druze man for just over one year. His family know and accept me but I know that if we get married it will cause problems with the community. I'm european raised catholic. We love each Other so much it hurts to think we can't last. Will the Druze community accept our relationship ?
“Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson.
I'm come from a Catholic family and am seeing a Lebanese Muslim man. He doesn't play any tricks with me, and we talk about his beliefs in Islam all of the time. I question his beliefs and he questions mine. We have grown so much closer to God with each other and love each other very much. I see his family every day and we get along wonderfully and they never give him trouble about me because they know I'm a sweet girl who really cares about their son. On the contrary, my entire family is threatening to disown me if I keep seeing him. They are trying to prove to me why he is a bad person (even though they have never met him). He works at a Christian church and all of the men he works with wish he'd date their daughters. He is such a genuine person and respects everyone's religions. It's sad that families can't learn to accept their kin for who they really are instead of making them lie for their amusement. I am NOT giving up my soul mate for my family who has completely different beliefs than me. I believe they are ignorant, controlling, and unjust. This kind of thing has been going on for ages! Look at Romeo and Juliet!
What a lovely day for a 4718274! SCK was here
My name is Brenna. 2 years ago my very strict Christian family disowned me for loving a Tajik Muslim guy. They chose my boyfriends before him and one of those exes broke my hand right in front of my father once. I was taken to the hospital and after the stupid boy and my father 'had a man to man talk' it was decided it was MY fault he broke my hand (by squeezing it yes I'm small he was massive) because 'I didn't love him enough'. So I refused to take that relationship farther and finally they agreed and said theyd give me until I finished college to find me another. In that time, I met my sweet Sherzod :). He was everything I ever dreamed of and more. And to him he believed I was by far the most amazing girl he'd ever come across. I started sneaking out to see him the first two months. Claiming to go visit friends' houses. After that he told me straight up- I am going to marry you someday Zanakjon (my dear little wife-Tajik word). I felt the same way. I'd met his family, they adored me, and I decided yes I'd marry him. Went straight home hand in hand with Sherzod. We marched right up to my parents' front door. Their eyes bugged out and they turned pale. I told them- iv been seeing this man for 2 months- we havnt fornicated or nothin but I am going to marry him. Sherzod very politely introduced himself an tried to tell them how he felt about me but my father interrupted him with "-"are you a Muslim boy?" and he said "yes sir". My father jumped up and began beating me. My mother called me a 'lying whore, disgrace, Satan lover, bitch, prostitute' Sherzod freaked out and beat my father off of me and tried to scoop me up to run away. Father got up and threw us both out tellin us to go burn in hell. That our babies would be 'mixed' and damned. I could hardly move. No bones were broken but my face and arms were black and blue and my ankle sprained. Sherzod did boxing from a young age so he only sported a black eye an busted lip. He put me into the car and we fled to his momma house. He cried the whole way there telling me he was so sorry so sorry and that he wished he'd never done this to me and didn't know they would do that. I told him I wasn't sorry. He carried me to his moms from the car. And we been together ever since. We are poor kids. Living in house together. But you will never see a bond as great as ours. I don't regret it one minute! Does it make me sad. Oh yeah. But I'm 1000x happier now than iv ever been. I dropped Christianity . My community was Christian and now Sherzod and I are the only Muslims here. But had I not chosen Sherzod i would have regret it forever. We are getting married next summer Inshallah!
What a lovely day for a 3865918! SCK was here