I'm confused. You knew he wasn't a virgin when you started dating him, didn't you? Obviously it wasn't a big deal then, since you continued to go out with him. Why is it a problem now that he's your boyfriend? Doesn't that strike you as unfair?
I can see how you might not have thought much about his sexual past until you started developing deeper feelings for the guy, but that doesn't make your issue with him any less unreasonable. You knew his history going into this; you can't suddenly decide it's a problem now.
The older you get, the fewer virgins you will find to date. Most guys you go out with from now on will have a sexual history, and most will have had more than just one partner before you. In other words, it doesn't get any easier, so now is the time to learn how to deal with it.
I would never suggest you address the issue by sleeping with him. That wouldn't work, anyway, because the problem isn't your virginity. The problem is that you are indulging this unpleasant thought; you are dwelling on it and letting it run through your brain on a loop. Why you would do that, I don't know, but you need to stop, because it will destroy your relationship.
My advice: if you want to get over the pain of imagining him with her, then stop imagining him with her. Just stop. Yes, it's that simple. You can control what you think about. Try it. Most of us have partners who got it on with people before we came along; how do you think we deal with it? We choose not to think about it. How do we deal with any thoughts that makes us feel bad? We don't indulge them. We choose not to dwell on them. And make no mistake: it is a choice.
What your guy did and who he did it with before you came along is irrelevant to your relationship, so don't waste another second thinking about it or even talking about it with him. He did nothing wrong and you're making yourself miserable. Let it go. Stop dwelling on it.
Just stop. You can do it.
Wow, sounds like me 5 years ago. I know how you feel, trust me. I have an extremely active mind. I can't shut out painful thoughts so the relationship destroyed me. I broke up with my ex (didn't sleep with him) and it's been pretty bitter between us ever since (we tried staying friends). If you can't get over it, break up with him, or you will grow resentful of him, trust me. And be ready for the next guy who most likely won't be a virgin either.
I'd try Cary's advice first cause you may find that you are able to let it go and have a great relationship with your boyfriend. But if that doesn't work...go find a virgin. There are definitely guys out there that are still virgins. That stuff definitely bothered me in highschool and even into college. I just had to make the personal choice to wait and not get serious with someone until I felt mature enough to handle sex in the real world. So break up with him and find someone that shares your values (if that's what your problem stems from) or back off serious relationships until you feel ready to make sex about you, and not about other people. Cause that's what it should be...your choice about how you experience it and who you experience it with.
P.S. After reflecting for a minute, this still does bother me. I was recently dating a guy who had lost his virginity at age 15...I, on the other hand, waited until I was the ripe old age of 22. We are both currently in our 30s...so it has been years and is definitely common now that my partners will have had several previous partners...but it actually did really bother me that he had a good 7 years of "experience" on me (although you certainly couldn't tell in bed). I felt like I was somehow behind the curve. If I let myself dwell, I was resentful that we didn't seem to be on an equal playing field in that respect. I don't think it bothered him...but it turned out to be a good indicator (for me) of what kind of person I was looking for (someone who is slightly more respectful of themselves and careful in choosing their partners). I'm sure Cary would tell me something about guys and sex and how it has nothing to do with respecting themselves...i'd love to hear it. Girls are constantly being told to respect themselves by refraining from untoward sex or degrading careers...men seem to rarely get much more than admonition for sleeping with married women or being a booty call or frequenting strip clubs. Everyone has history...but there isn't anything wrong with wanting a guy who treats sex with reverence.
Well your right about girls being told to respect themselves. This refers to the girls out there who feel all they have to offer a man is their bodies. Its about understanding that you are a whole person, with a lot to offer. That's why some girls tend to have so many partners its about a lack of self respect but there is the flip side. There are plenty of woman out there who know they have so much to offer a man, but just want to get with the cute hipster across the bar and enjoy sex, safely, with the men of there choosing.
This tends to be the opposite of guys. Guys tend to have more sex partners when they are really confident with themselves, so that tends to be why they aren't told to respect themselves.
So it really comes down to how you feel about yourself. Do you have sex because, lets be honest, sex is awesome or because you think its the only way you think a guy could like/want to be with you? (That's a rhetorical question, btw :) )
Great comment- but I did want to clarify- respecting yourself is different than being confident. Yes, confident guys may have more sex partners, but that doesn't necessarily mean they respect themselves. Maybe men do not equate sex with self-respect the way women have been conditioned to... I dunno. I'm sure both men and women have sex because it's awesome...and that both men and women have sex for the wrong reasons. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
i just can't understand how this is a problem to be honest. it was the same situation with me and my bf (i a virgin, he wasn't), and not only did it not bother me in the slightest, but it made it easier that at least one of us knew what to do :p i would've been a million times more awkward if i had to figure things out instead of just letting him take the lead. i have no hard feelings toward his ex.
also, keep in mind that sex is less emotional for guys (generally). if you're feeling pain to know that he had a life before you? sounds unhealthy to me. you're putting more emotional attachment on his previous relationship than he did. just because you want to save yourself doesn't mean every guy must do the same.
I think a good part of the problem lies in why she's a virgin. She doesn't state her age, so I wouldn't know if it's an "it just hasn't happened yet" or some belief in particular that's making the difference. The solution, whatever the case may be, won't' be to just have sex with him to get it over with. Not if it bothers you to know he's got experience and you don't.
Cary's advice is spot on, though, and it's not just about sex. Most people you date are likely to have some form of history and you can't be obsessed about every single person they've been with because it's just not healthy. So you get over it the way most people do: not letting it bother you. There's a reason he's with you now, after all. Now, here's something most girls I know do and it's just terrible: compare yourself to the other girls he's been with. There's just no point. Hard not to, for some, but you should be able to reason yourself into thinking of why he's with you instead of why he might prefer someone else. (Hint: key word "might")
I'm not sure dating virgins solves the problem. If you're worried about the connection implied by sex, there are plenty of connections which are just as strong (or even stronger) and, again, it's not healthy to worry about those either. That leaves guys who've never had feelings for or gotten along with anyone other than you (which, quite frankly, is reductio ad absurdum and kind of creepy if you're older than, say, 15).
Just wanted to add my 2 cents because I would feel the exact way you do. I was lucky enough to find another virgin, but I DEFINITELY want you to know that I know where you're coming from. I'm with Cary to an extent - I know my boyfriend has kissed other girls, however, I *never* asked for details and it only crosses my mind every once in a while. Yes it might be "unhealthy" to think this way, but it's just the way I'm wired - and it's nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone has issues. I am currently reading a self-help book about irrational jealousy and I'm not too far in it, but so far it's been great. I keep reading my symptoms like "yes, that's me, yes that's me!!" and it's such a relief. It's called If This is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure? Again, I haven't finished it, but just something to consider. I hope you can move past this and I hope your boyfriend is as supportive as mine!
Although I've never looked for a virgin when dating (since I'm not), I still struggle with the same issues as the question-asker and you, boop. I think I knew altogether too many details about my ex-boyfriend's previous life; all that does (if you are of the insecure type) is make you dwell on things. Now, with my current boyfriend, I really only know bare minimum things and refrain from asking details. He's very supportive and loving, which I agree helps a lot. I'm working on this too and have had some success. Good luck to you!
^^ so now boys can't even KISS other girls before ever having met you without you getting jealous? wtf is wrong with women these days. do you want men to live in a freaking bubble until they meet you?
im with you Sherri - it is completely ABSURD to have such ridiculous expectations and freak outs about their current boyfriends PREVIOUS relationships!!!
it has nothing to do with their CURRENT relationship; so that little girl needs to get the eff OVER IT and get the eff OVER HERSELF!!
Wow. Sherri and tatudlady, you both sound very judgemental. I guess you are perfect and have no issues to work on; since you are, let me enlighten you as to "wtf" (as you so elegantly put it Sherri) may be wrong with women these days. Many people who are insecure are quite aware that it is not an attractive trait to have and may be something to work on; however, it is not an easy thing to do. I am currently in therapy for issues involving low self-esteem that probably developed when I was in junior high. I have been in and out of therapy since high school for various manifestations of low self esteem such as self mutilation and bulimia. It is not easy to let go of unhealthy and insecure patterns of behavior--and even more difficult to alter your thinking--when you've been developing them for years.
But you know, I always find that I can quit those habits immediately when someone is kind enough to call me a little girl and point out how "ridiculous" and "absurd" my expectations are.
no i'm not perfect, and of course i have issues. i just happen to think the issues presented here are way over the line and completely false.
what if it was the other way around: you had a few ex-bfs whom you've only kissed, or one or two partners you had slept with, before your current bf. and he freaked out and got super jealous/emotional and drove himself crazy, eventually driving the two of you apart and destroying the relationship. look me in the cyber-eyes and tell me you wouldn't think he was mental.
Umm, no, I wouldn't, because as I already mentioned, I've had those issues myself, so I understand where they come from, even if they are irrational and undesirable. This isn't to say that I would accept these actions or that I wouldn't try to change them if my boyfriend was that way, but just that I wouldn't bring a judgemental "wtf" attitude that lacks empathy.
My point is that people on these websites are being honest and trying to get (and give, for the commenters) good advice, yet some people jump all over them rather than giving constructive critcism.
im with you Sherri - it is completely ABSURD to have such ridiculous expectations and freak outs about their current boyfriends PREVIOUS relationships!!!
it has nothing to do with their CURRENT relationship; so that little girl needs to get the eff OVER IT and get the eff OVER HERSELF!!
Thank you so much for your advice, Cary and commenters. :) Just a little extra info: I actually didn't know until we had been dating for a few months. Until then, I just assumed that he was a virgin. This in no way makes me want to break up with him, but he worries that it does. :( We're both 19(yeah, my insecurities make me sound younger), he lost it at 15. I'm planning on waiting until I'm married(I am Christian, but religious reasons actually have almost nothing to do with why I want to wait), he knows this and always has. He's totally okay with my decision and supports me on it. He's my first boyfriend, so I don't really know how this whole jealousy thing goes, like what is and isn't reasonable to be upset about. I know this is irrational, but I can't help it.
But as I said earlier, thank you so much. I'll try my hardest to stop thinking about it.
It makes more sense now, Lane. I can't tell you how many times I've wished I could contact the submitter for just a few more pertinent details.
What you're feeling is normal for someone in her first serious relationship. The more experience you have, the easier these things become. You'll learn which issues are worth obsessing over and which ones aren't. They all seem important in your first relationship, but they aren't, trust me.
Glad I could help. Sorry if I was too hard on you.
Thank you so much. :) I actually really appreciate you being blunt about it. If I'm being unreasonable, I need people to tell me. There was a lot of info I wished I could include in the question, but alas, character count. :/
One last thing that I'd like feedback on. I actually just recently realized that this was the pinpoint of this insecurity: I'm actually not as totally set on waiting till marriage as I try to make myself out to be, and I worry that if I do at some point decide to sleep with him(or hey, maybe he's The One and I will marry him.), he'll compare me to her. I know he wouldn't do so intentionally, but still. :/
lunita-- i'm not trying to jump over anyone, but i happened to think Wise-Ass's answer was too lenient. IMHO, people should just not have these kinds of thoughts. and seeing the number of commenters who had similar opinions/experiences, i really wanted to weigh in.
lane-- i hope you didn't think i thought you were crazy or something, i just wanted to make a point that if women think this kind of behaviour is okay, they'll be miserable their whole lives, but i respect you sticking to your principles :) my current bf was also my first, at age 20, so i was a bit uncertain at first too (not about jealousy, but about how he tends to not always answer his phone, along with some mix-ups on getting together), so it can be daunting. but it gets much easier over time. good luck!
This starts out a little cold but I hope by the end you feel a lot better about your issues here.
I think that the problem here is the way that you are looking at sex. Let me explain that. Your principles are your principles, and it's your life to do what you want with it. But you being all caught up in him not being a virgin leads me to believe that you feel you're "missing" some part of him, as if he is damaged goods, as if some other girl took some part of your guy that you can never get back.
This is in some ways natural, given that this is your first real relationship and all, but humans also create this problem for themselves. We get attached to ideas and it's hard to break away from them. Your boyfriend is not just some sacred possession, he is a person, like you and I. Like all of us, he has a past. What happened before you two got together is completely irrelevant. The past is dead and gone. It doesn't exist anymore, it's just an idea in your head. And with this specific situation, focusing on his past kills any chance of you living in the present moment (with him) to the fullest.
He sounds like a good guy from the way you have described him. Be grateful! Lot's of factors come into play when it comes to a good partner. Would a virgin who ignores you when you need him, and verbally abuses you be a better boyfriend? Of course not. Here's what I'm saying...love him for who he is today: the guy who loves you.
And...try and stay with me here...in an odd way, you should be grateful for his past. Everything that's ever happened to him, all his happy times, his sad times, all the good and bad he's ever done - it was all a wonderful series of events that led to him being who he is today. And what is that? Your loving boyfriend, that you should be grateful for.
You know there are such things as intrusive thoughts, right? They can result from anxiety disorders and such. Most people have them, and most people are able to brush them off, but for some of us they can become an unhealthy obsession. I agree that the original poster should be grateful for a great guy; not being a virgin does not automatically make you a bad person. And Archer is right in saying that a nonvirgin man who is loving and takes care of a woman is much better than an abusive virgin. But we shouldn't just assume this girl is in total control of her thoughts and emotions. After all, who is? All you can do is try not to think about it, and if you are absolutely at your rope's end with it, I can only suggest explaining these feelings to a friend or therapist who might help you find ways to deal with it. Good luck to you!
It use to bother me when I was dating he's my husband now. When we started dating I was a virgin but my husband wasn't. It kind of bothered me because us girls we like to reserve our self for the right guy. But ur not always going to find a virgin guy. The past is the past if he's with u now is because he loves u. Now if he did something while dating u, u should get bothered but if its past its past he's with u now ur the one who's enjoying him not his ex's.
It use to bother me when I was dating he's my husband now. When we started dating I was a virgin but my husband wasn't. It kind of bothered me because us girls we like to reserve our self for the right guy. But ur not always going to find a virgin guy. The past is the past if he's with u now is because he loves u. Now if he did something while dating u, u should get bothered but if its past its past he's with u now ur the one who's enjoying him not his ex's.
This is an old post. That means you (the author) wont see my answer.
My response is however, much different. The past matters. It matters because statistically, virgin-virgin marriages have less than a 20% divorce rate, and that's not including other factors such as religiosity or age of marriage. It also matters because it reflects on who you are as a person.
Virginity would not have been highly valued (and it still is today, just look at how many women have in recent times sold 'it' for millions -- more than one comes to mind) if it were worthless. In fact, without the invention of condoms, today's STDs would have wiped out entire nations. And in fact, that's just what they're doing -- with such consequences, that tells me there is a morality aspect to this (i.e. a deeper meaning), and that it does matter despite society's lies. It also tells me virginity in males is as valuable as it is in women and once that connection is lost, it's lost and lost for good. Bringing back the morality aspect again, think about why nowadays you hardly see marriages lasting more than 7 years, when in your grandparents or great-grandparents generation it wasn't uncommon for marriages to last decades, often 'until death do you part'.
Not to make this any longer, but a man that couldn't commit to wait for that one woman before marriage (and this is coming from a man) won't do it after marriage -- at least not for very long -- and almost certainly not til' death do you part (provided he doesn't die young for whatever reason) for a plethora of reasons.
i think your scared of the fact that hes slept with other people and broken up with them and you on some level think that he might do the same to you so your looking for an excese (to not do it).
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My hubby wasn't a virgin when I met him. I figure I'm the beneficiary of his prior experience (and he's the beneficiary of mine.)