You're conveying to them that you're not just a hook-up when you refuse to jump into bed as quickly as they would like. You've got that part covered. As for not taking it personally, no, I don't have any tips on how not to do that. In fact, I think you should take it personally. I'm dead serious.
You've made a personal choice to have sex only when you're ready to have sex and not before. More power to you. If a guy can't handle that, then you personally are not the right woman for him. He's looking for a quickie and that's just not who you are. Your personal standards are too high for guys like that, and that's a good thing. Take it personally, as in, "This is me. I have rules and I stick by them. If you don't like it, there's the door."
I know it's a drag to slog through loser guys like that, but feel good about yourself for sticking by your guns. I certainly admire you for it. It would be so much easier to capitulate just to avoid conflict, but you don't. You make the hard choice, but the right choice for you. And here's the great thing: in doing so, you weed out the jerks. If a guy bolts just because you won't sleep with him right away, good riddance! He wasn't relationship material, just another skirt-chaser, so be glad he rejected you. You were personally too good for him.
Guys like that are the frogs you have to kiss before you find the prince. A prince won't rush you into sex. Stick by your guns and don't lose heart.
Thanks for the question.
I am very much happy reading someone's still sticking to her guns.
I went through a phase when I started questioning whether or not I was attracting the right type of guys when, like you, some of them dropped like dead flies after I made it clear I wasn't going to give up the goods until I am ready (and sure!). For some friends, they were baffled and gave me the talk "Well, you wouldn't know until you try" but some friends understood and were very supportive and rooted "True love waits." Ahahaha! Sounds very Christian, doesn't it?
Well, it worked for me.
And I'll leave it at that.
And this:
You are worth the wait. ;)
ohhhh reading that made me sooooo happy for you. funny how as hard as the choice is, we don't realize how awesome the choice is until we find someone that knows we are worth the wait. it's such a tremendous compliment, and one worth waiting for. yay you!!
Have you consider that maybe you're giving the wrong signals or deliberately choosing the wrong guys? I think there's plenty of guys who will respect your choice and won't run away but if you haven't found one yet, perhaps is because you go for the shallow ones, the athletic douches (you know who they are and where they gather), the pseudo-intellectuals, etc. Many guys, if dating a woman who flirts a lot, always speaks in double entendres,etc. only to be stopped at the bedroom door, will think she is playing with them in some way and will just walk away. So if you want to keep the goods for after the ring (again, a perfect personal decision), picking at the bar scene is not the best idea. Try to go for the normal, respectful ones wherever they are.
That was such a great answer Cary. Your daughter is one lucky girl!
Thank you. You're very kind.
I'm curious, what if its just once the guy finds out your not single then he stops paying attention to you at all? I mean come on, just because a girl is single, doesn't mean she can't make guy friends anymore!
I just went through the similar situation.
I know the dude is not worth my time and love and is a waste of the air but it still hurt so bad inside.
I told him that i want to take things slow and he responded to me"Don't you think taking time will kill the excitement." After many rejections, he didn't contact me anymore.
We all had those experience to fall for the wrong people. It is glad that we know how to walk away not begging for stay. We both know what is good for us and just need to listen to the voices inside of our heart and say"Whatever".
Thanks,WA. Especially that"they are the frogs we have to kiss before find the prince". So true.
Stick to your guns. Rushing intimacy before either person is ready is a fool's game. Everyone is different and you just happen to be looking for a meaningful connection. I don't think that one month is very long at all. Let's say that you meet a guy and arrange a date with him once a week. After a month you've only been in his company four or five times, for several hours each time. & it's not just the bad guys. I've felt under alot of pressure from the nice guys too; I've given in and of course the thing ends badly, with the nice guy feeling hurt. I see nothing wrong with being honest and sure of yourself. It's a sign of confidence and self-worth.
Excellent points, Lou--especially that a month is really just a few hours.
i too love that women are keeping this old fashioned tradition of the holding out club going strong. i know what it's like to be chastised by your own girlfriends for it too. for me, it's a choice i made because i have just found out the hard way that i can't do it any other way. makes for some lonely nights let me tell you, they keep telling me to get a FWB situation going, or something like that, but it's just not in my hardwiring to be able to handle that. honestly, i would just rather sleep diagonally and alone in my king sized bed with a smile on my face rather than wetting my pillow with tears over someone who didn't treat me the way i deserve. love how you said DO take it personally, too Cary. that's just....awesome.
My first and current SO was worth it too - LOL - I'm so glad I waited. ;)
Amen, Wise Ass.
I had the exact same problem for a long time...in fact, I've had precious few relationships because of it. So I understand exactly where you're coming from. It might take a while, but eventually you'll find someone who is willing to wait. Perhaps even someone who *wants* to wait, just like you, because he thinks it's a big step too. I've finally found someone like that, and trust me, it was worth the wait.
Well, I have been waiting for 20 years with no sex at all, so, what do you think, Lexi? I think I'm back at the virgin situation. LOL
To call a man a loser because he wants a establish a relationship with a woman who is sexually available to him is wrong. It's like saying that what he wants out of a relationship has no value. She has the right to decline his advances, and does. He is obligated to respect her decision, but to call him a loser because he declines to continue the relationship smacks of sexism. In a relationship, the desires of both parties are valuable, not just one. Both parties have an equal say in defining the relationship, and if one party finds something that is unacceptable, they may rightfully discontinue it. It does not make them a loser! It make them normal.
If you want a serious relationship, wait. All my married girlfriends said they did when they met their husbands. One waited nine months; another waited two and they were going out on dates every night. A girl at my church waited until they were married. If a man is ready for marriage, he'll wait. He'll treat you like you're special, and, by the way, we all are. To the right 'one.' (Read The Rules for Dating's chapter on waiting to have sex" and the reasons why.