OK, you picked a particularly tough row to hoe. Know you didn't mean to - but you did. Time to decide if you are a man or a mouse.
First thing - she leads. Not you. Cram your excitement and desire back inside your pants and accept her limits. She is the boss when it comes to how much and when. Yes, I know it's gonna hurt - have had a bad case of blue balls myself several times. It isn't about you. Not this time.
Second - you listen and watch. She has told you - that is good for her. You control yourself and listen to her cues, not yours. She needs to talk - listen. Not the usual guy thing of half paying attention either. Pay her full attention. She needs help, therapists, whatever, you get it sorted and support her through it. All the way through it.
Third - make her feel safe. Can't stress this enough. It is abso-f*cking-lutely vital that she feels safe with you. You know she trusts you. Repay that with interest.
I know you need intimacy. We all do, sometimes terribly badly. She does too.
But mostly she needs unconditional love and cherishing right now. To be crude - you need sex at the moment, that's why God gave us hands. Love != Sex.
That's you.
yep. MM is so right. and props for all the questions related to waiting for intimacy, it's a principle that seems so forgotten in our society. to the asker, as someone with an abusive history myself, i recently said to the man that i am dating, letting a woman know that you will wait for her is the highest compliment and the deepest respect you can give her, and thank you. if you want to prove to her that you want to be the guy thats different than every other one she's ever met, thats the guy you gotta be, sorry. everybody has needs, even women believe it or not. but if you want to be that guy you have to fulfill her emotional needs first, otherwise not to be harsh, but you're probably gonna be the guy that sends her back to therapy if you rush or pressure her. and if you cant or dont want to be that guy, you have to tell her. MM is right, listen to every word, she leads, you follow.
I know it's not in the scope of his girl friends situation, because that is far more serious than what I have ever had to, but what you said about waiting and respect rings very true for my relationship right now. My boyfriend is a virgin, and for our age range that is rather rare, and I think a big part of it is his serious self esteem issues and depression. I've had to go by his pace which can be very frustrating. The she leads thing is true for us too, he leads, I kept my hands to myself or in very benign places waiting for a cue from him that he's ready for more. He took things a step further just a couple of nights ago, and at the worst possible moment for me he stops and says he's sorry but he's terrified. All I can squeak out is "rushing...bad..." then I hold him close and listen to his fears, emberressment about of lack of knowledge and his body, and I answer questions about my first for him. I basically tell him that I hope he never has to feel embarrassed in his own skin around me because I love every inch of his skin. And we just cuddle the rest of the night. I had to comfort him despite being so horny it hurt, it's worth it, but I have a feeling that the question asker is going to have it a hundred times harder. Just wanted to say that it's not just men who have to wait and respect and a whole barrage of issues can make a person terrified of sex, not just horrible trauma or abuse. As a side note, after we stopped and I held him he said that I was the sweetest girl he'd ever met, and that he felt more at ease with himself around me because he believed me when I said I love him. That made any sexual frustration more than worth it, I'd wait forever for that guy, just going to need a lot of batteries, lol.
naturally. just grab em from costco and you're good to go for a bit.lol
Wow...I'm completely stunned....best answer on this site by far! MM, you amaze me with your wisdom.
Being a SA victim, I can't stress enough - what he said! Have it inked on your heart. You won't get any better advice anywhere.
She is very lucky to have you!
MM this answer left me in tears and hit my heart like a sledge hammer. (Yeah, I'm at work reading GuySpeak and weeping at my computer, sheesh!) How is it that you, a regular guy (I presume) understands this while so few men do? I've gotten to the point that I don't believe its even possible to have a man understand or care that I was sexually molested for the first 10 years of my life. I just left a marraige of over 15 years needing MORE counseling and therapy than before. This, at least, gives me a little encouragement...and to the gentleman you asked the question, I offer much appreciation for his care and concern.
The most tender and endearing response on this issue I HAVE EVER READ! in any mag or book. Koodo's to MM! The response could be used in more than this issues also. Too many people are wanting the "here and now" menality. Thank you MM.
I have to say that for the past few of hours i have been hooked by the amazing posts on this website. Keep up the wonderful work.
I have to say that for the past couple of hours i have been hooked by the impressive posts on this site. Keep up the good work.
I agree