This is not a big deal. That it's a big deal to you makes it more your problem, not his.
His exes former stuff is probably just, you know, stuff. Junk. Lamps, books, DVDs, a rug. Most chicks leave beyond random, and useful, crapola. Guys don't really imbue inanimate object with sentimental meaning. Maybe a lucky team jersey, but mostly, a toaster is a toaster and nothing more. Doesn't matter who gave it to him. Blankets are for warmth, and that's that.
This is all a big deal to you, and you need to check yourself. Ask yourself if you should be freaking out. Make sure to use your inside voice, not your outside voice. Is this stuff haunted her ghost? Is she CIA? Is this crap bgged? Did cast an ancient Aztec curse on the stuff that he says isn't important? OMG IS SHE HIDING IN THE CLOSET?
Is he carpeting the living room floor with tear-soaked love letters from his ex? Did he collect her ear wax slathered Q-tips from the trash for years? Does he proudly display that collection? Is he wearing her old panties on his head while watching "Lost," his favorite show with her? Right.
And look, everyone has a shoebox full of pictures, mash notes, and assorted romantic mementos. Everybody does. Including you. The rule for this shoebox is simple: no one should ever see it, especially the person you're dating. It shouldn't even be glimpsed. This shoebox should be kept far away. Out of sight completely.
I get the feeling you're not being threatened by obviously intimate artifacts from the recent or distant past. He's not flaunting historical documents, is he? You're just bugged out by old trash.
This is not a big deal. For some perspective, a big deal is him not throwing her stuff out... because she still lives there.
so in short, it is a big deal, but because she has it too, they should both pretend it's not a big deal?
No. In short: it's not a big deal. It's just stuff. Crap. Prioritize your big deals -- if you WANT to freak out over junk, go for it.
But I know what a big deal is in a real, grown up relationship. This is not a big deal.
i'm curious as to what "objects" your guy is harboring, yeah?
i mean, like John said, a toaster is... a toaster... a really big, insane-sized remote with buttons the size of post-it notes is... a remote. therefore, what's the deal? pretty small. right?
on the contrary, though, if these objects are--say--a ring with a "Jim and Jane, For Always" engraving on the inside; a Build-A-Bear teddy with "Jim and Jane Forever"; or a customized picture frame of your guy and his former girl, then i can see where there'd be an issue.
so, basically, i guess it just depends on what the objects are.
I don't know anybody who hasn't got something left over from their exes. Take me for example; I'm in no way sentimental when it comes to previous entanglements, however off the top of my head I could list probably a dozen things in my bedroom that either belonged to an ex, or were gifts/momentos from an ex. I've had girlfriends who've kept every love letter since high school. It's not a big deal, seriously. If you think that everything bearing an exes genetic taint should be incinerated post romance, you should probably be asking yourself why you think like that, not laying blame on your boy.
Okay, maybe bedsheets should be incinerated, I'll give you that much.
Fuck, I thought I was the only one. I'm like - uhhhh why is this not a big deal?
I mean, granted it's not MAYYYJAH, but WTF does he need his exes gift/shit for anyway?
I too have random objects all over my house from previous exes. While if it belonged to them, I'm typically kind enough to RETURN it, I have stuffed animals I still cuddle with, clothing I still wear, games I still play, and letters/songs I hang onto from previous exes. I associate none of them with the people who gave them to me. The one item I ever did I gave to charity. It really doesn't mean anything. Those relationships are over, I feel nothing for any of the gift-givers, and have completely moved on. I don't get rid of perfectly good objects unless they bring back painful memories. I think, as John said, most girls have an old box of love letters from high school that they keep around just for kicks and giggles.
However, I did have a boyfriend once who still had pictures of his ex everywhere, and that's completely inappropriate. (He ended up cheating on me with her, so yes, it did mean something.)
There are exceptions to any rule.
I don't blame the question-asker at all for being concerned. It's hard not to feel uncomfortable about these things, especially in a new relationship. I once had a boyfriend who constantly wore a watch his ex bought for him, and it bothered me. (I never said anything.)
I have an awesome watch that an ex bought me. I didn't wear it for years after we split. I found it the other day, and it really is a sweet watch, so I've started wearing it again. I think I get what you mean, though. Sometimes people just aren't over whoever came before you, and it sucks when that happens.
Most of the time, though, it's just stuff.
agreed.
I agree. Some stuff is just junk. I have a teddy bear and a rose from my ex and it doesn't mean much. I've kept it because it was my first Valentine's Day gift, but I don't keep it because I'm secretly in love with him. We've both moved on. I just really like teddy bears and there's nothing wrong with the bear he gave me, so why throw it away? Same with his old hat. It keeps me warm. He doesn't want it back. Why trash it?
Hi! I'm the girl who asked the question. First, let me say I am no longer seeing this guy. And the objects that were left were personal items (i.e. underwear, a pair of jeans, showe cap, feminine products, etc) Not a lot but enough to make me question him. The stuff remained in her "drawer" untouched the entire time we were seeing each other. Trust I would check on each visit. I just wanted to know why it wouldnt be a big deal that he didnt get rid of this stuff. Of course we all have things that an ex gave us. If he had a household item such as a toaster or iron that she brought I wouldnt know she brought it. WHo goes around asking who brought things someone has in their home?
I still don't know about this one... I guy I dated had a teddy bear in his truck that his ex had given him. He had it there the whole time we dated (2 yrs) and while I didn't like it, I didn't want to tell him it had to go so I just kept my mouth shut about it.
The big deal is...that the EX wont let her take her things! What kind of woman/man would want a relationship with someone that "keeps" her/his things because they broke up.
Its his/her inabilty to get over the ex!
She needs to move on and get away from this jerk because he will do the same thing to her.
its been about 2 weeks that my girlfriend and i broke up and she still has the plush rose i gave her in her car. it wasnt for an anniversary or anything like thatt i just gave it to her as a nice gesture. her job is on the way of where my house is so when i drive by i cant help but look and i see it there. she was the one that broke things off and said that she wanted space. im giving her her space but i just want to know if by having that rose there it means that she still thinks about me? or misses me? because i sure am missing her and thinking about her although its been that long since we havent talked.
Well I have this guy known him for 5 years now and recently started seeing eachother since his ex left him 3 weeks ago. She left while he was at work he told her to leave many times. She left a few things in hope that he'll chase her. It bothers me a bit on his coffee table is a pic of him and her holding his baby niece. She obviously left it so it'll remind him when he sees it. Now why doesn't he just put it away at least. I ask him if he would get bak together with her he says no he's moved on? Really. Or is she just not getting her things in hopes shell be coming home?