Thanks for the question, Amy. I have an answer for you. In fact, it's easy: just remind your husband of the activity that got you pregnant in the first place, then tell him that if he ever wants to experience that activity again, he will be at the baby shower.
No, don't do that. Extortion rarely works. Besides, you need to save the "No More Nookie" card for something more important.
Ok, so the guy doesn't want to go. Can you blame him? We had umpteen showers before my kid was born, and I gotta say, those things wear a guy out. Sure, it's nice of people to throw them for you, but that's just way too much concentrated social interaction for your typical guy. We're not used to that kind of thing, you know. A group of guys can hang out all night and exchange maybe 40-50 words, tops. A baby shower is easily 10,000 words, about four months' worth of speech for most guys, crammed into a 3-hour event.
If he's never been to a shower, he has no idea what to expect. Maybe he thinks it's a bunch of women sitting around talking about their vaginas. Guys don't know.
His reluctance could also signal a bit of a denial that he's going to be a dad, and you can't really blame him for that either, can you? Becoming a parent is scary stuff, especially the first time. The night we brought my daughter home from the hospital, we fed her, changed her diaper, then lay her down on the bed with us. She was wide awake, just looking at us, and us just looking at her, and I remember gulping and thinking, "Ok, what now?" (I think the kid was scared, too, because she dropped a huge load in the new diaper we'd just put on her.)
But I'm with you: your husband needs to go to the shower. It's important.
So, do this: talk to your guy about the event -- what to expect, what will be fun about it, and what kind of liquor might be served. Try to calm any irrational fears he might have. Remind him that it's a gesture of kindness from your friends to celebrate the impending addition to your family, and you both owe it to them to attend. If that doesn't work, tell him about all the baby gifts you'll get and how much money it will save you.
Finally, if you think he's scared about becoming a parent, talk to him about that, too. It's ok to have some trepidation, and you're scared, too; having a baby is a big deal. You can talk through it together, and assure each other that you'll be good parents.
If none of this does the trick, then you can play the "No More Nookie" card. That always works. Guys will do anything for sex.
Good luck.
No, don't do that. Extortion rarely works. Besides, you need to save the "No More Nookie" card for something more important.
Ok, so the guy doesn't want to go. Can you blame him? We had umpteen showers before my kid was born, and I gotta say, those things wear a guy out. Sure, it's nice of people to throw them for you, but that's just way too much concentrated social interaction for your typical guy. We're not used to that kind of thing, you know. A group of guys can hang out all night and exchange maybe 40-50 words, tops. A baby shower is easily 10,000 words, about four months' worth of speech for most guys, crammed into a 3-hour event.
If he's never been to a shower, he has no idea what to expect. Maybe he thinks it's a bunch of women sitting around talking about their vaginas. Guys don't know.
His reluctance could also signal a bit of a denial that he's going to be a dad, and you can't really blame him for that either, can you? Becoming a parent is scary stuff, especially the first time. The night we brought my daughter home from the hospital, we fed her, changed her diaper, then lay her down on the bed with us. She was wide awake, just looking at us, and us just looking at her, and I remember gulping and thinking, "Ok, what now?" (I think the kid was scared, too, because she dropped a huge load in the new diaper we'd just put on her.)
But I'm with you: your husband needs to go to the shower. It's important.
So, do this: talk to your guy about the event -- what to expect, what will be fun about it, and what kind of liquor might be served. Try to calm any irrational fears he might have. Remind him that it's a gesture of kindness from your friends to celebrate the impending addition to your family, and you both owe it to them to attend. If that doesn't work, tell him about all the baby gifts you'll get and how much money it will save you.
Finally, if you think he's scared about becoming a parent, talk to him about that, too. It's ok to have some trepidation, and you're scared, too; having a baby is a big deal. You can talk through it together, and assure each other that you'll be good parents.
If none of this does the trick, then you can play the "No More Nookie" card. That always works. Guys will do anything for sex.
Good luck.
"But I'm with you: your husband needs to go to the shower. It's important."
What??? Since when? Showers are GIRL events. You don't want a guy there. It's all about the cooing and preening over the cute little gifts and lots of "how adorables". The guy is liable to start farting just to lighten up the mood.
My wife didn't want me at her showers. She knew it was a girl thing.
Quote from Babyshower101.com
http://www.babyshower101.com/baby_shower_etiquette.html
"Should Men Be Invited: Traditionally men were not invited to baby showers since it was a woman oriented party, however it was common for the man to show up at the end to help his wife with the presents. Today, many things have changed and it is absolutely okay for the men to be a part of the baby shower, in many cases couples parties or the husband coming at the end of the baby shower with his friends. The only drawback for men being a part of the baby shower is the atmosphere changing. That is, us girls may not be as "girly" and sentimental when the men are there teasing or making comments which is why for the first baby shower, it is nice to have only the women present with the men coming at the end."
And this isn't the only source, Google gave tons of hits on why men shouldn't/traditionally haven't/might be okay to attend.
Saying it's important for him to attend is a bit of a stretch even in these "modern" equal times.
Obviously you've never heard of couples showers. Everyone I know has them. Maybe it's a Southern thing, I don't know. But if both father and mother are invited, I'll say it again: it's important that he go.
Yeah. In reality, in the end I think the questioner's line: "but it would mean a lot to me if he came." is the real key. He should do it for her even if it means enduring several hours of stuff he's not into.
So I'll have to back up a little and say that for this particular situation, it probably is important for him to attend because it's important to her for some reason.
But I still hold that generally speaking, Men should get a pass on these kinds of "parties".
It doesn't mean we don't love and adore the baby coming into our lives. :)
my baby shower ended up being canceled due to family strife, but man do i envy everyone who got one and didn't have to shoulder the entire new baby gear burden on their own. it's a joyous event where people you know are celebrating the arrival of your first born, and while there's baby clothes and oh it's so cute, it's still a party. he should feel grateful for the sign of support from their friends and family. there are plenty of 'dad survival books' on the market that explain in man-speak how to take care of newborns for the unexperienced.
I remember when my mom and step dad got married, my mom was 8 months pregnant and they were going to have a wedding party at my step aunts house a week or two later. When we got to the party me and my mom were in complete shock because it was actually a baby shower. Mom was pissed. XD
It was really fun though.
Of COURSE the father to be should be at the shower! What, did the woman get herself pregnant? Is she raising the child alone? The kid is equally his responsibility- he doesn't get to bail out just because he doesn't have a uterus.
And on that note, yeah, it's soooo hard for men expecting a child. THey have to deal with changes in their lifestyle. Women should be supportive and sympathetic. Just another responsibility for them while they're attending showers solo and HAVING A HUMAN GROW INSIDE THEM. Oh, but it's hard on the husband. Boo freakin' hoo.
Okay, yes, I am being harsh. Sorry. It just bugs me that this is even a question. To the Hubby: your wife is enduring morning sickness, drastic changes in her body, and has an agonizing and life-threatening experience to look forward to, and all she's asking is that, for the event in which your friends show their support by giving gifts for the baby, you actually SHOW UP. And you, unlike her, are even allowed to drink. Jeez, grow a pair.
@nomi, obviously the mom-to-be didn't get preggers on her own and she is not allowed to drink and is dealing with the stress of having their child growing inside her.
But what makes me nervous is the fact that they didn't plan to be expecting right now. Like Cary said, the husband might be in denial, but he also might not be completely thrilled that they're starting a family right now. We all hope that he'll come around and be a proud & happy dad, but until then I wouldn't give him any new reasons to feel like his life is spinning out of control.
The most important things right now are their baby and their marriage. Why pick a fight over something that lasts for one afternoon. If he doesn't want to show up at the end of the shower, I'd let it go.
Why is everyone assuming he's happy? Yeah ripped off may be more like it. Oh the BC failed right! He may not be happy at all. He may be angry and bitter think about that. Take a wider view.
She's thrilled he is not.
Nomi It IS hard for men to expect a child. The have to go through drastic changes in their lifestlye, they have to deal with all of the fears of inadequacy as a father and a role model. On top of all of that they have to watch helplessly as the woman they love, thier other half, goes through an agonizing and and life-threatening experience. Plus they have to deal with all of the crazy mood swings.
Okay, yes, copying your post like this is a bit rude. It just bugs me that even needs to be said. Its absolutely ridiculous that husband isn't allowed to have anxiety of a child, just because he isn't carrying it. "My problems are bigger than yours so your concerns are invalid, suck it up." This line of thinking is unacceptable. Yes, the woman must carry the child and yes thats hard. But it is hard on both parties, Nomi.
That said, I do believe that he should go with her in this case. Even though the baby shower is 'Womans Domain' he should still go. If only because she asked him to be there and a man should be there when his woman needs him.
Heh. This reminds me of when I was in lamaze class and they were teaching all the husbands massage techniques, and my husband said he couldn't do it because it made his hands tired!
So I guess pregnancy IS hard on both parties, haha.
I had a couple of guy friends come to my baby shower. My friend unwittingly decided to throw it on the NFL opener day. My boyfriend said he'd go but when he mentioned that he was surprised the other guys were coming because it was game day I knew it'd be cruel to MAKE him go. He was very weird during my pregnancy, btw, exactly how you describe your husband.
You know what? My best friend and I still crack up remembering the shower because all the women who had children of course started telling horror stories about giving birth. Gross stuff, stuff guys don't ever need to know about except when it's their own kid. The guys at the shower just sat there looking petrified, lol.
I had my bf go with me to the store and shoot the little gun at things when we registered. And then I came home with all the stuff and we went through it together. He looked so doubtful, I know now he was wondering how he'd ever manage something so small and fragile without breaking it. If he comes to your shower, great. He'll probably have fun. But your real day is when you have the baby. I promise he will start crying when they show him his child.
i disagree, i dont think he should go to the shower. Whats the point?, he be bored out of his mind..... Its just plain agony making a guy sit with 20 women all talking about lactation, epidurals, and episiotomies. Plus he will see all the baby things later, they arent going anywhere. If it were me, id spend more time worrying about him getting himself together. He should be there at the hospital, not the baby shower....