Of course I've pulled the disappearing act. But sometimes the disappearing act is also a tactical retreat. There are some women who are shopping for matching grave plots by the third date. Women with the rhetorical skills of a high-paid defense attorney who will argue with you when you politely tell them "This isn't working out." And there are also women who react to any rejection like a vampire catching a holy water balloon in the face. There are women out there who will make a dude's life living hell if he cuts it off. The drama isn't worth it. In those instances, I think the disappearing act is valid. If I've known you for three weeks, you don't get to freak out like we've been dating for six months.
To be fair, I've also disappeared because I was lazy or spineless or just a giant, greasy tool. But in all of those instances, I wouldn't say I was ever in a full relationship.
All of that is null and void, however. Because falling off the radar after a year of dating is sketchy. I won't excuse that. There are only a handful of scenarios I can come up with that would explain that. He went into Witness Protection. He's a closet hobo. He has a family. Or he's a thoughtless coward. If he had any sense of respect, he'd at least leave a note or something. But bailing without a word as to where he is or what he's doing after a year suggests to me he's with another woman, having a nervous breakdown, or he was a sniveling worm the entire year you were with him.
Sorry.
that exact thing happened to me! my bf of a year and a half called me on thanksgiving and told me he was on his way over, and that he loved me and couldnt wait to see me...he never showed up! and i never heard from him again. to make matters even worse, he knew that i was 4 months pregnant with his child. that was almost 4 years ago, and i still have not heard a word from him. it took me a long time to realize that it was really a blessing in disguise. i would have never known what kind of guy he was, and i would have stayed with him, and then eventually he would have done that and left not only me, but my son as well. i guess my point is, i know it hurts now, but just look at the bright side, he could have waited and done this after he had got u pregnant, or cheated on you and given you an std or something. good riddance to that douchebag!
Are you sure he's even alive? 'Cause to me, that sounds really sketchy, in a missing-persons-report kind of way.
I agree with Sam.
oh ya hes definately still alive! i saw him on myspace like 4 or 5 months ago! apparently he moved to chicago and is living with a woman. ive never sent him a message or anything, im afraid he will think it means that im still in love with him or something......
What about guys who go MIA for several months (7) after years of dating and reappear as if nothing ever happened? I understand having a busy schedule, but what gives? This has happened to me 2x with the same guy. We've dated for 5 1/2 years which includes 16 months of the fade out. We haven't had any fights, so it leaves me at a loss. BTW I'm in love with him..
I disagree. I think if you date someone you ALWAYS owe them to say that you're not going to date them anymore. I just feel like its the right, fair thing to do. It doesn't have to be done in person. It could be email or text if they are crazy, but it still should be done. Its true that some people could get nasty during a breakup, but those same people are probably more crazy doing stalking work trying to figure out where that person they are dating went... so in a way it makes more sense to just tell them.
I agree with Rach. It's an issue of showing the other person the respect they deserve. I actually recently had this happen to me, though luckily we'd only been dating a couple of months. I don't think his disappearing act was well thought out since we run in the same social circle and are members of the same small gym. In other words, he'll probably see me again at some point. The real kicker is that I had been having some reservations about continuing to see him (major concerns about his lack of maturity), so if he'd just said that he didn't see it working out and could we be friends we could have parted on good terms. Mutual friends told me he did the same thing to the past 3 women he's dated so it's obviously his issue, not mine. Whatever, I'm happily moving on with someone much more mature and respectful :-)
You took the words right out of my mouth, Rach!
I agree 100%. I think its just down right inconsiderate for anyone to pull a disappearing act regardless of the legnth of time spent formally dating. Sorry DeVore, but its just the right thing to do and yes the dumped party gets to feel however they want to feel about it... freak out or not.
I actually had this happen to me just about a week ago. This guy I'd been seeing for 2 months just all of a sudden stopped calling. I went out of town for a few days, came back, and everything had changed. I was like wow... ok? But instead of waiting for him to return my call, I created my own deadline and my own course of action to make sure he knew the door was closed should he continue the silent treatment. After my deadline arrived still with no communication I called him, left a very polite professional message indicated I was not comfortable with the state of our relationship and that I would not be going forward with it. I then erased his number, all his texts, his pictures, and de-friended him on FB.
And then guess who called.... please. What an ass.
Good for you luv_locs. So...maybe a little light ladies (although deep down I guess I already know). I was seeing this guy who treated me wonderful for a month. I hadn't heard from him in about four days and hadn't seen him in a week. He texted me last Friday at 11pm telling me he was going to go skiing if I wanted to come. Any other time I would have been happy to get his text. But I felt like, if he truly WANTED me to come, he would have made plans earlier. He would have called and I would have seen him at least once before this text. I figured if he wants to, he will call. PLus, I had my cut-off day the Thursday before his text. I erased his number ad all messages. My gut says good for me. My friends say I should call/text him back. Any ideas? Thanks!
Haha I am doing it to a guy right now. I said I'm busy bye honey and he's looking for me. He did not care about me when I needed him.
If you ever meet this guy keep standing him up and try to do the same. Get busy. Disappear.
Thanks for all the support in answering my question. I really appreciate it. Still havent heard from my MIA ex. He started law school last week, so I'm thinking maybe all the stress and everything has something to do with that, but I don't want to make an excuse for him. It's not too hard to shoot a quick text saying, busy, or even this isnt working anymore. Dawn, I'm in the same boat, Mr. Missing-in-action and I all run similar social circles and haunts, should be interesting! Thanks again, John and everyone!
Have the same thing happening right now.....just childish for a man of 38 lol
yep, same thing with a man of 44. sad thing was that last time we had sex he couldn't get it up. i think that embarrased him and now he is trying to hook up with old women from his past... what a LOOSER!