While I am all in favor of "being yourself" and "knowing yourself" in a relationship, you don't sound terribly appealing to any guy outside the "Mommy's boy with ego issues" demographic. Admittedly a huge number of guys still, but not exactly rated prime boyfriend material by most.
I am more curious as to why the term "full of pretentious sh*t" leaped in after "happy and positive" like an over eager mugger. An unusual choice of words and associations, shall we say?
Being full of pretentious sh*t is usually the job of critics (especially book and movie critics - they know EXACTLY who they are), politicians and philosophy graduates. None of whom ever seem terribly happy or positive.
if I were some cheapa*s relationship guru, I'd tell you that you are suffering from lack of self esteem and a fear of losing control, then charge you a fortune for a useless 20 step plan to improve your life, 12 step plans being so 2009.
Since I am not, I am going to lay it on the line for you.
Bossy is no bad thing to be, as long as it is the right kind of bossy.
If you are bossy because you are effortlessly organised, know exactly what is going on and where you need to go - that is fine. Rare too, you just need to tone it down slightly. All you need to do is remember that other people like the illusion of having some say and you'll be fine.
If you are bossy in the "I am never wrong so do what I say before I have a screaming fit" way, you will be doing a great service to every guy you stay far away from.
Negativity, well, some people are naturally pesimistic. They may be right more often, but the optimists have much more fun and fewer ulcers.
Change now, or you will change after you get a relationship. That is as inevitable as breathing. No one, and I mean no one at all, stays the same once they start seeing someone else. You adjust to each other. Some of those adjustments are grudging, some are permanent.
You don't change now, you are probably gonna grab the wrong type of guy and going to get bossier and more negative, until you drive him away.
Fortunately, on the dating scene, there is one simple workaround for this, for you at least.
Bite your tongue.
Feel something negative ready to come boiling out of your mouth? Bite your tongue and then change the subject.
Feel the need to organise the next date/evening/hook-up? Ask him to organise it, then bite your tongue if it is not perfect.
Ain't no one can make you change. It's your call, if you want to be you - or in a good relationship.
MM said some pretty powerful stuff....I agree.
I've read a bunch of stuff on this topic...specifically, for "independent women" who find themselves in unfulfilling relationships, due to (what it turns out to be) their "masculine energy'.
That's not to say you, I or similar women 'act like a man', it's just that as natural leaders, innovators, thinkers who are more dominant in their personality, often attract those men with more passive qualities..it's the masculine/feminine natural pairing. The passive or "feminine" energy guy is NOT what you might imagine, like a weak guy with soft girlie traits, it's just that men who have "feminine energy" are receivers, followers and "react", rather than givers, leaders and are "pro-active".
Netted out: If you want to attract a man who is masculine, and as much of a strong personality as you are, you MUST tone down your approach, literally, LEAN BACK, let the men lead, and learn to receive.
It's hard...and new to most of us, I know.
I've been independent, opinionated and focused most of my life...and hate to use the term bossy, but certainly have had a good deal of authority in business, and frankly, it didn't help me in the dating world. I came across too much for most guys who worked with me, or were in my same work-related circles. I was in a director role, which sometimes bled into personal relationships.
I've had to learn how to be the passenger, and let the guy do the driving. (not necessarily a sexual reference...but there too).
I'm not into referring people to internet-sourced advice, but this might provide some insight. There is a series of free online newsletters from a therapist named Rori Raye (www.have the relationship you want.com) and though you might think alot of this is hooey, she DOES talk about ways to focus your self on the important aspects of attracting the "right" guy, and how to spot the "wrong" or "toxic" guy.
It's free. Nothing to lose but a few kilobites of email storage. Get the free newsletters and start reading them. Very insightful.
I "leaned back" and am now in a relationship with a very caring guy, who loves to be the man, and open doors, help me with my car...stuff like that.
A couple years ago, I would have rolled my eyes at a guy like this...and written him off as "too soft".
Hope you find your way.
Good luck to you!
I think as you grow…, you will learn, just because you think something, it doesn’t mean you should say something. It’s called having filters; other people use them on you, everyday. I’m sure of it. Think about that for a minute.
Wow, I love books and politics and my second major is philosophy. I guess I must be full of pretentious shit. :P
Great advice, by the way. I always enjoy reading your answers.
This is perfect for me. I've been told by many guys that I'm too assertive. It always pissed me off, which of course made them right and me lonely. :( But I am also in the process of learning how to let others lead, at least a little, to start! Good advice from everyone here, thank you!
I always hated the saying "be yourself". Well what if being yourself isn't getting you what you what out of life? The implicit message in that is there's no need for you to change, no need for you to improve. BS! Nobody is perfect!
Self-honesty is important - and very hard to come by. Sometimes you have to take a hard look at yourself and realize perhaps some changes are called for. Speaking from my experience, there's been things about myself I needed to change, there are still things about myself I need to change now.
You've taking the first step, realization. Now you need to decide, do you want to retain these characteristics? Word of advice, anybody worth having as a friend or lover doesn't like being around negative people. If you want to genuinely change that, identify what compels you to be negative, and make a continuous conscious effort to avoid those behaviors, until it becomes habit.
This was like reading an exact description of my best friend. I keep telling her she needs to at least TRY to be a little nicer, but she never listens to me. I don't know how to help her either, because she gets really depressed that she's still single.