Yes and no.
This is (usually) one of those backhanded compliments intended to flatter but usually reminds the person that they are indeed single and implies that it is somehow their fault (it likely is at least partially their fault, but we'll get to that later). So while it's not exactly inappropriate because of its intent, the execution of said question will always skew negatively and thus, it is probably inappropriate because it never has a positive outcome.
See, asking a person why they're single implies that their singledom is their own fault. Now, most people would argue that they are single for various reasons that aren't of their own doing i.e. can't find a (wo)man they get along with, opposite sex plays too many games, etc. Basically, their options have been more frog, less prince.
It also implies that its their choice to be single - where the offense usually comes in - when in reality, most women you ask this are as surprised as you are that they are single since they want to be in a relationship and see exactly whatever it is that you saw that made you ask such an inappropriate question!
Basically, they realize they are the cats meow because you realize they are the cats meow. However, that has nothing to do with how they ended up single. Those types of questions usually arise after some sort of interesting conversation or discovery that this person is super cool because of xyz. Chances are, if we were to dig into the relationship pasts of most folks, we'd be able to surmise and determine various reasons why said person who covets a relationship is single. Some of their own doing, some the doing of their lovers past.
There's another factor here that often comes into play: I'd wager that about 9 times out of 10, a man is asking this of a woman, which has to be completely frustrating for the woman. Standing in front of you is a man who has not only determined that you are a catch, enough to not only wonder why you are single, but enough to voice this confusion to you out loud...
...and then likely move on to the life he was leading before you two met. I don't know that I've ever met a woman who told me she met her boyfriend after a conversation where the dude she was talking to inquired as to why she was single. Not saying it can't or doesn't happen, I'm just saying I've never heard that story before.
Which leads to this other point - men ain't stupid. See, if we get to the point where we vocalize - externally - to you that we're surprised that you're single, to which you'll likely shrug after the pseudo annoyed look on your face dissipates, we are going to ask ourselves this same question (internally), except putting the emphasis on the "why" and not the "you", thus making us think if you were such a catch, you'd be caught since there's a really good chance that you're looking to be fried and fricasseed.
So basically, yes, its inappropriate. Just leave it alone.
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Hahahaha fried and fricasseed. Love it.
We still live in a society where many women value themselves based on whether they're single or taken. I'm currently single, and after telling an acquaintance for how long I have been single she responded, "Wow! That's good! I can never be single. I guess you're more independent than me!" I found that to be a backhanded "compliment." What woman really wants to be single? I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm independent enough to keep it moving: still dress up, go out for drinks, pursue my career goals - but in a nut shell I do not have a significant other. It would be nice to have that. Personally, I don't think it's inappropriate to ask someone why they're single, unless of course you respond in either a rude or insulting way.
I mostly liked this answer, but the sentence "Some of their own doing, some the doing of their lovers past" implies that they must necessarily have HAD past bfs/gfs, wich may or may not be the case. That is not fair.
Oh. I feel bad now. I once said that to my friend, "Wow! That's good! I can never be single. I guess you're more independent than me!" I really meant that I thought it was amazing that she could be that into her goals that she didn't need someone there all the time. I didn't mean anything mean. I'm usually in a relationship......rarely single for long. Guys tell me all the time when I'm single they have to hang out or take me on a date right away before I get too busy or meet someone else. Even my ex's know that once I find someone else when it's over it's game over. I'm a relationship person. I really think everyone is. What I mean to say is....sometimes I wish I was MORE into my own goals than into dating. It's more of a insult to me and a compliment to you. Guys get married in their 30's or so I hear. I've been dating since I was 18 or 19 and I'm 24 now. Each relationship has prob been a year. Don't get me wrong.....I'm very ambitious too! That's my point though. Sometimes I envy the more independant type of woman because at the end she'll have the house with the swimming pool , the guy, the puppy and the kids. Than again....this is where I get confused. I think it's about priorities too. My sister wants to be a lawyer and is applying to law school and is dating the same guy for 7 years. I'm in college hopefully to be a Social Worker, although I'de love to go to uni. I think I can go both ways. Do school, be career driven have a great career and than be a stay at home mom. That's my dream. It's not the big house or having an outstanding career ....I'm a helpless romantic. I say that with confidence and doubt. My big dream is to get married to the right guy who I compleletly adore and think of as a real life super hero or cave man. That alpha male who's the ultimate protector and will let be be femine and he takes the lead. I'm all over the place with traditions and ideas. I want that career so bad and I work really hard. I'm sure I could work and be amazing at whatever I do. But I know deep down when it's all said and done my dream is to raise babies and cook and clean. It doesn't sound like a dream but it's mine. I dream about making the perfect food and taking care of my husband and kids. In fact part of the reason I want a job is to get more independant and to be able to care for myself financially and help with family finances. I already made up my mind that if I don't find the right guy by 30 I'm throwing in the towel and adopting a kid! How many women do you know that are this crazy? I don't even want a big house. I get excited about having a fire place and cuddeling on the couch and teaching my little boy to play soccer and look like a cool mom. have perfect lunches. I want a boy and than a girl. I dream about the perfect dad.....someone that gives piggy back rides to our kids or reads bed time stories with me. My dreams aren't winning elections or becoming a doctor. Sometimes I envy the independant woman approach because while you might be missing out on some experience,,,,,you're also very fresh. When you get into the dating game it will still be exciting and it will still all be there. For me.....I'm bored already. I don't want to go on dates anymore.I love relationships. But I want the real thing now. If I were more independant I could date my work get really far and than meet the right guy and boom have it all. Sometimes I think independant is better because I'm still young and being mature and ready for serious and being young isn't that great. Long story short - I don't have too many regrets about dating. For the most part I learned a lot about myself and men in general...discovered great friendships. It was great. In the long run - I like my number. And I don't feel like changing it. I'm only 24 turning 25 I get scared that if I meet this right guy at 30 I might have to sleep with more guys if I date them. All I can think about is how much I don't want my number to keep getting higher. My number right now is great, but I still have 5 more years to go - if that's when guys are actually ready :S I can't date any more guys and sleep with anyone else. Because what I've learned is I haven't married anyone yet, Great for them - bad for me. Independant women are more lucky because instead of falling in love and hoping all this lovey dovey story book romance stuff you are out there finding yourself and reaching new goals. Your number wont grow. And I really feel like if somehow I end up sleeping with 10 guys when I find the right guy he might be pissed. Than again I might be pissed too, I don't want to sleep with 10 guys :S yuck. Anyways my number isn't close to 10 Thank God! Still, 5 more years to go.......I might be more independant now and date when I'm 30. I'm almost convinced I'm going to hold out now until marriage. Because it's grossing me out thinking about it. Some guys are really hot and nice. I'm not going to marry them. I'm not going to sleep with them either. I hope who ever the guy is isn't with 100 women living the life and I'm worried about my extremly low number for no reason. He better be looking for me,
I think, just in life, it's not always necessary to comment to someone's response. As BFF mentioned, asking why someone is single AND/OR commenting after their response, "... you must be independent..." implies it's mostly the single friend's choice to be single. I reason I have two choices while I'm single: be typical and bitter and let myself go to continue this "single life" or live my life as fabulous as I can. I'm single bc I am in an environment where the guys are unavailable or too young. I get asked out and liked, but settling just to say: I have a bf is foolish, to me. Imagine if a married woman said to you, "Wow, no guy ever asked you to marry him and you're 25? You must not want to get married! I've had two engagements by 24. I guess you prefer the single life more" all while your bf of x amt of yrs still hasn't popped the question. Now you tell me if that's a compliment. Lol I'm not saying your reasoning is with intent to hurt just that being single doesn't mean you're more or less independent but rather still searching. Because as I said earlier, no PERSON wants to sinhle, which is why most ppl get married & settled down.
Aww okay sorry. I'll be more careful next time. I have a question though. What if my friend complains to me she doesn't have a b.f or that we must think it's weird and than I ask her why she doesn't have a b.f? ( But I'm thinking she should have one because she's really pretty, nice and intelligent. I didn't care or notice her status until she told me that.) Is it rude still? Because I don't know what to say. I'm not trying to be insensitive though...sorry! She told me it's because she's so busy it's hard to meet someone and I responded with she shouldn't worry too much because she's one of those women who has it all the looks, intellegence and personality. She's very independant and guys love that. I told her to go after her goals and someone who's on HER page will find her and they'll have the big house and car, I really really meant it in the best possible way! My best friend just feels sorry for everyone who's single....I don't. I'm confused now. I hope she doesn't think I'm rude :S My best friend asks everyone where their b.fs are when they don't 'show up' and she makes sad faces when people say they don't have b.fs. and I tell her not to. than she says she feels bad pretty loudly. I'm so confused. Should I just change the subject when my friends ask me if I think it's weird or change the subject when they say they can't find someone? In all honesty though.....my response is based on the grass is greener on the other side. We all want what we don't have. Once you go in a lot of relationships you might miss being single. Sommetimes I love both. That's why I don't feel sorry for single people. I figure that they just know who they are and love life and we're more dependent on men. Anyways sorry ! I'm really hoping you can tell me how to respond so I don't sound rude?
Ps. Part of the reason I thought I was complimenting is because I think too much. In my head all I see is this woman and me finding our dream men. In her case her dream guy might be really excited and happy he finally found her and he might say to her " What have you done all your life? Catch me up!" And she might say something amazing like, " I traveled the world with my girl friends, learned a new language, got a degree in business, became a nurse , spent time with family and friends, saved a puppy from a bus , helped my sister get a loan exc." What am I going to say that is going to be as moving and as exciting as that??? I'm going to say " I spent lots of time with friends and family, did college and waited for you." Which one sounds better??? Which one has more stories? And I'm scared to say how many b.fs I had. I'm scared the 'right' guy will be mad at me, get it? Because while I was waiting and trying to find him I dated guys :S He might not like that. Your number will be smaller than mine and you will have more exciting stories and meet more people than I will. Because when you have a b.f you don't see your friends as much anymore. You still see them but it slows down. Which means I'm meeting less people who could be friends or potential links to success! I meant that I love being single and in relationships and I love when we're successful. Sorry. :(
Please take my "offense" with lots of salt! I don't want you think I'm on the web trying to find fault with anyone who questions a single woman. LOL I mean, it's really not that serious, at least not to me, lol. Um, don't get me wrong, there are many women who truly feel they're single bc they want to be (in my case that's sort of the reason: I refuse to settle) and women who don't want to come off desperate so they say they are single bc xyz. She's your friend so she shouldn't get all upset, especially if she's bringing up the whole "I'm single bc" topic herself. My earlier post was more towards people who don't know you that well and start yapping off after you explain why you're single. Putting the foot in the mouth is much easier when you don't know the full story. (Becomes awkward!) You sound as if you're trying to validate your actions of being single or taken. Listen, enjoy life! Do whatever you want to do. There aren't always answers as to why there's this woman who seems to have it all, but you can't. Remember there are positives and negatives to everything we ALL do. So you see that independent woman who waited until after her dream career took off and got married to Prince Charming. A year later she's having twins, boy and girl and you're like, WTF? Why not me? Don't do that! You don't know how it felt for her to wait all those years. Whether she did settle or not. Maybe she hates twins... I can go on and on. (You see my point?) Just live life. The one thing we all have in common? We make our own choices, and we have to live with them. And another thing, getting into a relationship doesn't mean you aren't independent. Until you die you are always your own individual. Never forget that and do what makes you happy.
Yes. It is really f*cking rude. No additional explanation needed.