I wouldn't say that it is your "right as a woman" to train your boyfriend. It is reasonable for you to expect him to want to change for you, but you need to go about it in a careful manner. As the anonymous answerer said, there is a certain amount of training that can/should be done.

It's a common belief that verbal abuse is a stepping stone for physical abuse. You say that "he has a temper and likes to say 'f*** you;'" how long before he becomes physical?

If you chose to remain in this relationship and attempt to make him change, always be prepared for a turn for the worst. NEVER BE A VICTIM! As the answerer said, bring it up when you both are calm, and this will help prevent any negative outcomes.

Don't condone his behavior. The "f*** you(s)" don't warrant a response, so don't give him one. He may be trying to evoke a reaction from you to get the emotions running at which point he would stop, opening an opportunity for you and he to have makeup sex.

There are quite a few resources available that will help you find ways to train your man. Magazines and even literature exist with many different techniques. Some could work for you, some might not. I find the information regarding using dog training tricks on men to be the most humorous, and they can actually work.

I was going to say the same thing - I don't think I would tolerate my boyfriend saying "fuck you" to me all the time. It's disrespectful and frightening. Not to judge - because I don't know the asker - but I feel like "he is amazing in SO many ways" is just a lie you tell yourself to hide his obvious flaws.

HAHAHA Michael, were you the one melting the playing cards?

while we may want some behaviours to change we can't ever expect a overnight change. First step to anything is talking. Is he aware he drops the f bomb alot? Some people drop cuss words left and right but don't know it until it's pointed out. So maybe just start with seeing if he notices how often he says it. When I was growing up I was cussing ALOT but didn't really notice or care too much as I was used to hearing it in rap (which I hate now as alot of it is rather degrading in either the lyrics or music videos) and my dad pointed it out to me and I caught myself saying it when there was no reason for it. So maybe that alone can help him realize he's saying it too much.

Just be kind and tell him that it bothers you. And if he does change that maybe move on to other smaller things. Never try to change the things that make him himself otherwise you may ruin what attracted you to him in the first place. But small things can be dropping the f bomb alot, chewing with mouth open and just basic manners try and change anything bigger all at once you'll more likely piss him off and drive him away.

oh my gosh, i love all of you people!!!! seriously. thank you so much for just caring enough to answer! :-D this MADE MY DAY!!!! (in case it's not apparent- this was my question)

THANK YOU to everyone who cared enough to comment or answer! As the asker, I'd like to clarify that I really don't believe in "training" people to do what you want, especially not in a relationship, (although... the dog tricks thing sounds hilarious, and my boyfriend did once snap his fingers at me and point to the couch, which he does with his dog, and I thought that was pretty freakin' funny).

After the 2nd time he said f*you to me, I told him how much it bothers me (because I mean, it is REALLY disrespectful and not at all constructive) and after some initial resistance to change he said he would try to stop, but then it came out the other night again. My response was to calmly say that I didn't want to talk to him for the rest of the night, (which I thought was pretty fair, since I was really darn offended and hurt but managed not to yell or get emotional... but you unbiased readers will give me your objective views, which I appreciate). He started calling me nonstop, which is why I posted, because I wound up being unsure of what was a fair request and what wasn't.

boop- Your comment is very important to me. I think your brutal honesty is necessary and I'm going to reflect on it. Especially since I'm considering moving in with him.

In general, I don't want him to change as a person. Of course I love him for who he is. Right now we are long-distance and both in very stressful living situations, and we fight more than I ever expected to fight in a relationship. The thing that concerns me the most is that I never in my life have imagined saying "f*** you" to a loved one, but now I get the urge to say it to him. It just really concerns me that my core values can be so maleable based on the person I'm with.

Thoughts?

Everyone has phrases they use constantly, from "how's it going" to "what's up" or whatever, the fact that he's uses "fuck you" doesn't necessarily make him disrespectful or likely to become physical, it could just be one of those set phrases that he uses in response to different things. Also having a temper is in no way a definite indication that a person is at all violent, it's simply an expression of the way they feel, the way they act on those feelings differs from person to person.

Despite that I think it's ok to ask him to change. Both are habits and although they may be difficult at first to kick or subdue, they are by no means impossible.

If you feel threatened or in any way abused then that changes things.

It's not whether you have a right to train him, it's whether or not you have a right to say what you are going to tolerate. You have a right to set your own boundaries as to how you are willing to be treated. Not putting up with being yelled at or called names is your right. It has nothing to do with training him and it really doesn't have anything to do with him, it's about you. He can do whatever he wants with it, but you have a right to refuse to be mistreated.

I don't think it's okay to try to actively "change" someone, but you do have the right to ask someone not to do something that offends you. For example, if I were to date a smoker (I do not like cigarette smoke), I would not demand that he quit. Rather, I would ask that he not smoke around me, and perhaps chew some gum before kissing me so I don't have to taste it. If his habit actually interferes with our relationship, then it is time to re-evaluate the relationship. In your case, while you can't turn your man from a potty-mouth to Mister Rogers, you can ask him not to use such language in your presence, and at the very least, not to say it to you directly (he can still say it to his friends, his co-workers, his dog, his mom, but he probably shouldn't say it to his mom). As for his temper, if he flares up at you, look him in the eye and remind him that you do not (necessarily) deserve to take the brunt of his rage. He is entitled to his anger, but not to take it out on you. That has nothing to do with 'changing' him, and everything to do with not being mis-treated by your man.

You could do what I do with my kid. Whenever she becomes angry and screams (or uses inappropriate language), I say, "I can't understand you when you talk like that." Then I refuse to respond unless she quiets down and talks to me with more respect. You shouldn't have to tolerate anything you consider inappropriate. Either he'll respect you more for it or your relationship won't work, but either way, stick to your guns.