Since you're asking, you already know that it's not totally cool to hookup with your friend's ex. It has nothing to do with "girl code" or any kind of gender groupthink. Would you be cool with it? Probably not.
This has nothing to do with whether or not your friend is "over" this dude or not. It has everything to do with whether you are up front with your friend or not. If I found out second hand that a friend of mine was banging an ex of mine, I wouldn't be broken-hearted or jealous. I'd be sketched out. I'd think my friend was a spineless weasel. Why should I find out second hand? Screw the iron nuts on, walk over to me, and tell me that facts. Don't ask me for permission. She's not my girlfriend. But I'd want him to tell me how it is. Now, unless he's throwing wang at the woman I thought I'd marry 24 hours after she dumped, I'm going to be fine with it.
This friend is more important to you right now than this hookup, right? Bros before hos and besties before testes. So that you may Hoover vacuum this guy's face and feel up his man teats with guiltless impunity, I would highly recommend you tell your friend. Just be straight up and tell her you're hooking up, or want to hookup, or are interested, in her ex. If she has a problem, that's really her problem. Just don't rub it in her face.
I thought this was a well known no-no.
I can't say dating a friend's ex is always a good thing, but I can't see where it's always bad. It depends on the circumstances; in my case, I not only dated a friend's ex, I married him. We were close friends during their marriage, and didn't get together until well after they divorced. Falling in love caught us both by surprise.
The way she treated him was so despicable it cost her almost every friend she had. She cheated - repeatedly - and dumped him via email, after 10 years together, while he was serving overseas. At Christmas, even. She broke contact with everyone, but I still let her know we were dating - before we actually went out. She'd moved on, married someone else, and had no problem with it, said she wanted him to be happy. Didn't see any point in telling her we eventually married; if she wants to know, she can easily find out.
I'm dating my friend's ex right now. He and I had always been close, and he asked me out about three months after they broke up. Just to be sure she didn't object, I talked to her in person about it right after he asked me out and got her approval. Everything has been surprisingly okay, and our relationship (my friend's and mine) hasn't changed at all. However, I think this is mainly due to 1) The fact that she hadn't cared that much about him in the first place and had long moved on and 2) I was up front with her immediately.
So yes, in some cases it's okay.
Thank you! I have been wondering about this same question. I also think it's situational; if she's not over him, then especially if she's a really good friend, hooking up with her ex is a bad idea. It will damage your friendship. However, once they've been broken up for a while - how long depends on the length and seriousness of the relationship - or she's over him, the ex is fair game.
I had a boyfriend who, naturally, came to be acquainted with my best friend at the time. It was an amicable breakup, and he and I remained on good terms. I discovered that they were hanging out without telling me- not dating, she'd just randomly post "I miss you" and "that was fun, let's go for ice cream next time" on his fb wall. I asked her what was up and she said they were just friends. I told her she could hang out with anyone she wanted, but I was a little weirded out by it. I was especially annoyed that, if they were "just hanging out", why didn't they invite me? We're all friends, and I introduced them. The problem wasn't jealousy, it was feeling left out. I said I was fine if she saw him, but I aksed her not to do it behind my back. She promised to be more sensitive from then on, but nothing changed. Suffice to say, we're not really close friends anymore.
This is clearly not the same situation as yours, I'm just trying to illustrate that this course of action can make things complicated and hurt your friend in ways that you may not have even thought of. A little upfront communication, as opposed to sneaking around, can do wonders to avoid that. You can do whatever you want, but just because you have the right to do something, doesn't mean that your actions don't have consequences. You are engaging in a course of action that, while not being wrong, could directly hurt someone you care about. It is your responsibility to acknowledge that.
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I had started to talk to my friends ex after they had been split up for a couple days, I was trying to be there for her because I knew and she knew I wanted to be with her.. So needless to say after a week or so we were together and believe me, we fucked every single night I saw her... And my friend was never mad at me and it's like it never happened, now for the next ex! Mhmmm? Gotta love pussy that's only been fucked for a few mins. Lmao!