Gee, I don't know. Is it pointless to visit Rome if you don't intend to move there? Is it pointless to see a movie if you're not going to buy the DVD? Is it pointless to drink a really good beer when you know you'll be peeing it away within the hour?
Of course seeing this guy is not pointless. If you like the guy and have fun with him, that's reason enough to spend time with him. Who cares where it leads or doesn't lead? Tomorrow is promised to no one; you gotta get your carpe diem on, lady. Live for now, not later. Do you choose friends based on whether or not you will know them for the rest of your life? No, unless you're some kind of weirdo. The same principle applies here. Why stop hanging with someone you enjoy?
As for your "absolute definite," no, let's not pretend that is the case, because there is no such thing as an absolute definite in love. Romance is unpredictable. Anything can happen. We rarely know who we'll fall for. Love is sneaky like that. The guy's married? People get divorced. He's gay? People become straight. He's your brother? Okay, that one's an absolute definite no, although you could probably find a country somewhere in the world where you could marry. But.. ew.
All I'm saying is this: don't be so sure you know what's going to happen. You don't.
Even if you do know, even if never marry the guy, it's still not pointless. He's a friend, maybe even a friend with benefits. Being with him makes you happy; is it a waste of time for you to be happy? Is it pointless to get laid? Every relationship is a practice run for the Big One. We learn a little something about life and about ourselves from everyone we date. Is that pointless? Au contraire, mon amie!
Watching reality shows -- that's pointless. Pulling for the Cubs to win the World Series? Pointless. Living for today is never pointless. Enjoy the guy while he's in your life, whether it's temporary or permanent. And don't assume it's either. Don't even consider that. Just live for today and enjoy the relationships you have now.
I disagree. While it's not pointless because you're gaining something from the relationship - whether you're gaining a good friend, learning about yourself, or learning about what kind of person you want to be with - it's a bit unfair to the guy you're with. Being with someone with no intention of it going anywhere is a little bit like lying to someone. I'd say the right thing to do is to mention how you're feeling.
Imagine this: One day you meet someone at the coffee shop that you really hit it off with. You decide to end your relationship and give this guy a change. You tell the first guy, "I met someone." His first and only thought: "I didn't know you were looking." Who wants that to happen?
I'd rather someone tell me that they can't see themselves with me for the long haul. Who wants to spend time with someone who doesn't appreciate or want them back?
While I think I agree with this IF the guy in question actually is serious about the future of the relationship, if both parties don't expect marriage and are just in it for fun then why not?
Never thought I'd say that, but lo and behold, I find myself in exactly the same situation right now. I'm seeing a guy, we have a lot of fun, but it's not the kind of relationship that will necessarily end at the altar. But I agree with Cary. I'm on a beautiful, romantic, adventurous, scenic road to nowhere ... must be New England ... but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride.
I also agree with Cary that you never, never know what's going to happen in love.
I second the motion... I loved this answer, Wise Ass. Infact, I'm gonna send this to my friend.
I guess I should also say: You don't need to positive that you DO want to marry them. But you shouldn't be positive that you DON'T. If you like the person and are attracted to them, then you should stick with it without worrying about what the future holds. But if you're sure that you don't want something long-term, save the person the heartbreak by being honest.
Why wouldn't this person just be your friend then?
Seen too many times one person in the relationship just being in it for fun, while the other hopes against hope that it will turn into more....
Unfair to the other person, IMO.
I agree -- she should not lead him on if he's serious about her. I wasn't suggesting that. I assumed they were both on the same page, and she was simply asking if it was a waste of her time to have a relationship that was probably going nowhere.
Is this a girl or a guy asking the question?
My gut tells me that "ConfusedMidwestGirl" is a girl. Just a hunch. I could be wrong.
I can't stop laughing at this. Just awesome!
I can't stop laughing at this. Just awesome!
You know what, you're right...she's a girl. Hahaha.
Why would it matter....it should be the same either way. But Wise-Ass's response to this comment is hilarious!
Maybe the other person feels the same. Why are you so sure that he/she wants to marry you?
She isn't. She did not say that.
For some reason, I get the feeling the "person" is actually a woman being talked about. The question is very gender-neutral. Maybe gay marriage isn't legal in their state, and so it's not possible for them to marry?
Well the other person would know they couldn't legally get married, even if they wanted to, so there would be no issue. It sort of sounds like the asker feels like she shouldn't date someone she won't be with forever (married or not, like some gay couples are toghther for years like they were married) and doesn't want to waste time.
We are only given one day at a time, might as well enjoy it if you can. You can't guess what tomorrow will bring. Your feelings may change radically tomorrow from what you are feeling today. If spending time with someone makes you happy, go for it.
Thanks for the great advice Wise Guy! I truly appreciate your witty,honest, and straight forward advice. Also, I should inform the readers that I am in no way leading anyone on, that's just cruel.
Thank you. Glad I could help.
Ahhh, a Wise Guy, huh (a la Bugs Bunny)? Sorry, this tickled my funny bone. Is this like if Funny Guy and Wise Ass were related? lol Yes, I have a twisted sense of humor... :D
I think you're right - there is never a guarantee of tomorrow and we should enjoy doing the things that make us feel good and being with the people who make us happy. Kudos, wise-ass!
Thanks.
i have to disagree. i think that being with someone you know there's 0% of a future with is a bad idea because if you like each other, are attracted to each other, and spend time together, one or both of you will almost certainly develop feelings for the other. why go forward with a relationship that will end badly? put it this way, what's more important - fun for now or a great friend, possibly for life? is what you gain from this arrangement worth losing that person as a friend? if you value the potential for this relationship more than your current friendship maybe there are emotions involved already, and if you know you can't be together it'll be extremely painful later on. decide if it's worth it to you.
Very good answer, Cary. In a similar situation; a guy I've always been attracted to broke up with his long-time girlfriend, and he and I have loads in common, plus a chemistry that can't be denied. Who knows what will happen. He may get back with her. He and I could be soul-mates. But in the meantime, I'm enjoying the moment. Carpe diem.
Why does dating ALWAYS have to end up in marriage? I found my soul mate and neither of us want to get married (though I'm sure when we've been together 7 years, that common law nonsense kicks in) but we want to be together. We love spending time together, we have so many things in common and we're happy. Being together is more important than if it leads to marriage. I've known friends who have dated for 8 years or more and they haven't even thought of marriage. I think that it's too overplayed, this marriage stuff.
ENJOY being with the person. If you have chemistry, go for it! Enjoy the time with that person because not giving them a chance just because you're not gonna marry him is a waste of life! Who knows how long anyone's gonna live right? So enjoy life! Try it! Have fun. Sharing an emotional connection with someone, be it as friendship or love or what have you, is never pointless.
How come no one mentioned biological clock ticking? When I read the question the first thing that came to mind is that maybe the asker's idea of pointless is about wasting time because she wants to have kids by a certain age?
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hahha I agree