There are several reasons a guy will offer to remain friends after a breakup.
1) He still cares about you and really wants to be friends. You see this a lot with long-term relationships that come to an end. The couple has been together so long, they can't imagine not being in each other's lives in some capacity. These are the rare instances in which friendship after a breakup can actually work.
2) He wants to lessen the blow because he feels guilty about hurting you. The offer of friendship may or may not be sincere, but it won't work, anyway, because guilt and pity are poor foundations for a friendship.
3) He wants to keep you on the line as a fallback in case he has no luck finding anyone else to date, or he's keeping you around for sex until he finds someone else to sleep with. Don't be the woman who falls for this.
It all depends on the guy. Some of us have a conscience; others don't. Reasons two and three are why I continue to believe that clean breaks are the best choice 99% of the time.
Thanks for the question.
I sooooo wish I had just walked away when he broke up.
We went through trying to be #1 but my heart was too connected...and I realized later his intention was #3, but it sometimes came off as a pathetic #2.
It's a mighty powerful combo of all 3 that keeps you from moving forward, but I'm invoking my own "Three Strikes" Law after my last D-bag.
Good luck.
Even though it's ridiculously tempting, you should never try to be friends with a guy immediately after a breakup. Just cut ties completely and move on with your life. If #1 is the case, maybe you'll reconnect in a couple of months or years, however long it takes for you both to completely recover from the breakup, and you can just be friends without the fresh pain and emotion lingering between you. And if #2 or #3 are the case, well, you'll know. And you'll have moved on with your life much more quickly than you would have if you had stuck around trying to force your friendship to be scenario #1.
Well said. It is nigh impossible to be friends right away without causing yourself much extra pain. Just stay away for a bit. It's amazing how much more quickly the hole in your life fills up when you don't see or talk to the person. And that includes Facebook stalking!
Facebook and Google stalking. *sigh* Sometimes I dread the day the Internet was invented.
Agreed times ten! Friendship is perfectly possible, but ONLY after you've taken a break from each other.
I have remained friends with all of my exes, and I didn't find it that hard. I always took a bit of a break and didn't talk to them for a week or two, but I found it worked out well for me. seeing them in a non-relationship way helped me get over them, just to kind of ease them out of my life. I know it doesn't work for everyone, but I've always been weary of people who hate their exes. you were attracted to them for a reason, you dated them for a reason, you wouldn't have stayed with someone if you hadn't had a connection and just because you don't work out romantically doesn't mean you aren't compatible as friends. one of the most dramatic, traumatic, emotionally abusive and awful relationship I ever had was because we took a simple friendship and mistook it for love, but everything went back to being wonderful as soon as we removed the romance and went back to just being close friends. you have different standards for friends and lovers. friends don't have to have the same priorities but lovers do.
to me, hate is the brother of love, you only hate someone if you still have feelings of love and respect for them. apathy is the true opposite of love, so my goal after a relationship is to always slip into friendship, then acquaintances then apathy. I don't want bitterness in my life, or people that harbour it.
Haha omg thank you for answering this question. Two months ago when my ex broke up with me but asked to remain friends immediately after I was completely puzzled as to why he'd want to. He spent the next month trying to bs with me via text and repeatedly asked if I'm dating anyone (not his business). I withdrew from talking to him because I don't think his offer of friendship is sincere.
I am really great mates with my exhusband, we even give each other moral support and advice with our new relationships (and not the sort that sabotages either). I think our friendship falls into category #1.
But I recently had another ex who claimed to genuinely care about me (aka #1) but couldn't stop crossing appropriate boundaries (aka #3) and basically made me feel like crap. He abruptly cut me off when I told him I had met someone else (in spite of the fact he wanted to be "friends" with me, long after he was in a relationship with someone else). It just seemed so hypocritical, that basically he only wanted to be friends with me if he thought I was still harbouring feelings for him. Back up girl, I guess. Ouch.