WOW, you married the guy and you want out after 3 years? He needs you the most right now and all you can see is yourself and your unhappiness with him? How can someone drag you down? Only you can do that.

Look, seems like youre not in love at all. You never loved him, you loved what he gave to you, because if you truly loved someone, you would stick around with them through thick and thin, poor or rich, heartache or not. If you cannot love unconditionally, then dont marry at all.

I agree with CM....I'm all about "for better or for worse" also, and calling BS on the excuse, but this actually sounds like a similar red flag I heard from one of my friends not too long ago:

Her story was that their 1 year pre-marriage relationship was very much like a movie trailer (all the best stuff making you want to see the whole flick) but then after being in it for a while, all the bad stuff comes out...and not just "things that happen to you along the way" but stuff that was hidden and the guy became a sloth after being laid off, and hemorrhaged her savings dry while staying home watching porn all day and buying tech gadgets on line.
Their finances got so bad, they had to foreclose on the house that she bought with 10 years of pre-marriage personal savings, and now HE is suing for spousal support. Yes, the total douchebag. She didn't give up on him...he DID change, and was not the guy she said "I do" to.

I'm NOT saying this IS or WILL BE your guy. Just that if we had more info, or perhaps really understood what the asker means by "waiting for him to get it together", we would know if she should stay or she should go-go.

My uncle is going through the same thing. He married a woman thinking that she was the one for him, she would be decent/loving/caring, and help make it work, and that she wouldn't leech off him for money. Well, she doesn't cook, clean, work, care for the kids, or do much of anything. She's a complete gold digger, a self-absorbed, idiotic, lazy bitch. She sits on the couch or shops. He not only pays for her shopping addiction but he pays for another house for her mother to live in.
He wants to get a divorce, but he wouldn't get full custody of the kids because he works full-time (courts tend to put the kids with the person who spends the most time with them, or split-custody unless the other parent is abusive), and he wouldn't be able to stand not seeing them every day. If he divorces, he also has to split his money with her, not only now but for the rest of her life (he has a very high-paying job and he doesn't want to give her squat). They sleep in different bedrooms. He has a girlfriend, which is fine with me, because he deserves someone much better and shouldn't have to be in a loveless and horrible marriage anyway. My reasoning is that he should be happy and in a healthy, loving relationship and there's no way that my aunt could provide it to him.
Anyway, my point is, this could be the same sort of situation, and she's finding warning signs before it gets to be a mess. We don't have all the facts. It seems to me that there's much more to the story. And when you marry a person who ends up not being the person you fell in love with, or even a good person, it might be time to leave if you can't let it go or if it ends up being terrible.

For some reason, a lot of the guys I ended up with either let their pogey run out or quit their jobs -- and expected ME to support THEM. Buh-bye.

Cary, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but three years is way too long to not be doing something. Anything. She didn't say he does the housework and the laundry without wrecking HER clothes every time (how do I know this?), buys the groceries and cooks dinner for her every night. I bet she has to do all that and work, too. Girl, get out now. Just make sure you don't end up having to pay spousal support. Wouldn't that be a kick in the head? On the other hand, you're already doing that, anyway, but at least you won't have to look at his sorry ass every night.

Hi. I'm the one who asked the question, and it's obvious from the responses that I need to give more clarification. First, let me say that I feel like a total douche about this whole thing. I never thought I'd end up in this situation myself and always shook my head at other people who did... but yeah. Here I am.

The deal is, we married when I was 19 years old, after a 6 month engagement, and we were only dating for three months. I jumped into it because I desperately wanted stability after dealing with my very shattered family and had this idea in my head that I'd probably never find another guy who was as smitten with me as he was. Honestly, I did love him and still do love him, but the problem is that I don't look up at him and respect him; in short, I don't view him as an equal. His outlook in life is that the deck is stacked against him, and no amount of talking or trying to help him on my part has really made a difference in that regard. The thing is that I would sympathize with him except that I'm living in the exact same situation he is and yet I've managed to start my own business and pull in the majority of our income despite being a full-time college student. Whereas he doesn't have a stable job. Of course he does the cleaning and the laundry and all that to make up for it, but he spends a hell of a lot of time playing video games when he could be doing something to improve his skills (like prepping for his A+ Certification Exam which he's been 'working on' for more than a year). It seems like unless I am constantly on his ass about this stuff he won't do it, and I feel like it shouldn't have to be like that. He should want to improve himself rather than me constantly nagging him to be better.

I've always had the idea that when you're in a relationship with someone you should love them for who they are, not who you want them to be. I feel like I'm trying too hard to change him, and everybody knows that nobody changes unless they decide to do it themselves. Before I married him, he'd never really been in a relationship with anyone else, and he'd been living with his parents his entire life, so I feel like we both went into this relationship without really being stable as individuals. I feel that even though ending our marriage will be heartbreaking and difficult for the both of us that it might actually be good for us as far as personal stability is concerned. And I've talked to him about all of this already but haven't been able to work up the courage to actually say the 'D' word yet because once I do I'm out on my own. I don't have any family to lean on and help me get through it which scares me. This isn't something that I decided in the last week, or even the last month. I've been thinking about it for at least a year, and am only now coming to the point where I feel like there' s nothing else to do.

I don't really know what else to add. Maybe there really wasn't any point in asking the question. I guess I probably am being selfish for wanting to cut loose instead of stick it out. But I fear that you're right, Cary, in that my feelings about this might not change.

Of course you should be there for someone you've decided to marry through thick and through thin, but at the same time... motivation and dreams and goals are a deal breaker for a lot of people.
Personally, I wouldn't want someone who let themselves be down on themselves for three years- I would want someone with the drive (particularly in their 20s!) to get up and try again and keep fighting for what they want in their life.
While she shouldn't necessarily abandon him, she has waited THREE years for him to get up and move, and he hasn't done so. Lack of ambition is a huge turn off, and really, in a lot of cases, an absolute deal breaker.

Man. Tough Situation. Really, you guys made a mistake which it seems like you have come to realize. Now what the heck to do about it.

You stated that you love him but don't respect him. Honestly I would say this is a deal breaker. A long term committed relationship (IMHO) is based on respect. Because someday (sounds like it's today...) you aren't even going to like him that much but when it comes down to it you guys respect each other so you make it through the rough patch.

Since we are voting, I would say you guys should go your separate ways. You both have a lot of growing up and living to do. You both went into this not really knowing even what you guys needed to hash out and get straight before you merged your lives. What's done is done, but I would say there is no reason to stay together in a situation which in the long run is going to breed resentment on both sides.

However, if you do decide to stay together I would HIGHLY suggest scrapping your pennies together and going to some counseling together. It sounds like you guys could maybe use a mediator to help you draw up your baby family plan and goals. It might help you clarify things.

Either way, this is a tough situation with some real life adult consequences.

The nagging means you've turned into his mother. Don't worry about him. He'll find another mommy soon enough.

You obviously have all the drive in the world and things to do and places to go in your life -- do you really want a manchild clinging to your leg and dragging you down for the rest of your life? Or at least the next few years until you finally realise how many opportunities you are giving up by being saddled with him?

Children eventually grow up. Manchildren never ever do.

You both were WAY too young to get married in the first place.

i'm on the fence with this one. what specifically does one mean "dragging me down", more information is needed but i'm leaning towards Cary. honestly Cary i think you could have stopped writing after the first paragraph and made the same point, but it did make me laugh lol way to read the lines there. it's very easy to fall in love when you are dealing with drive and ambition. but the reality of life for millions of americans right now is that it doesn't matter how much drive and ambition you have, things have a high probability of getting tough. you DID marry for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer...unless your vows included the phrase "until i determine your ambition has hit its peak" you don't really have a right to give up on him now. in fact, that would kind of be a crappy thing to do and make you look a little bit like a....woman that digs for gold. true love buckles down, together, when the going gets tough. if the very thought makes you ill, you need to leave, but not because you are young and sleepy, but because he deserves somebody that WILL buckle down for him.