I wouldn't. But you're not me and I don't date dudes, so let's talk it out.
No, there's no set time for a guy to decide if he loves you or not. Guys are notoriously slow to admit how they feel, but at least this guy is coming right out and saying he doesn't love you. I give him credit for honesty.
But I don't really buy the "hopes for the future" bit. If he doesn't love you after nearly a year and a half, I don't think he ever will, as much as he'd like to think his feelings will magically change. He's had plenty of time already to sort it out. If you were talking about marriage, that'd be one thing, but he's not even sure he loves you after this long? That's a problem. It's not like you're asking for a commitment here, just assurance that your feelings will be reciprocated sooner or later.
Even if he's right, even if one day he gets struck by lightning or has a near-death experience or just pops up and decides, "Ya know, I think I do love this gal," who wants to wait for that? How long will it take? How patient are you?
It's not the time that's the problem, anyway; it's the principle. Are you willing to sit in limbo while a guy figures out if he even has strong feelings for you? Before you answer, know this: given how he feels now, he's much more likely to wake up one day and say, "I don't think this is working," than he is to say, "Okay, I love you now." And then you will have waited all the time with bupkus to show for it.
There's also the chance that he's full of crap, and using the "hope of future love" line to keep tappin' dat ass until you realize what's going on. He wouldn't be the first.
Whatever his motives or reasons, I think you're setting yourself up for heartbreak, not to mention a whole lot of time wasted on someone who's unsure instead of someone who's smitten with you from the start and doesn't have to write out a list of pros and cons or consult his Magic 8-Ball to decide if he loves you. He might be a great guy, he might mean well, but it's a bum deal for you no matter how you slice it.
I wouldn't wait, but then, I'm not you. You have to make the decision, and I wish you luck with it.
If we love you, we'll know well before it gets that far. It will hit us like a ton of bricks one day; it might be a certain look in your eye, it might be how you get straight to the point, or it could be that we just wake up one morning and the sunlight plays across your sleeping features just so...
It happens suddenly, without warning, and a lot sooner than 15 freaking months. If we don't love you after that period of time, chances are it's just not going to happen.
This touched my heart, while being almost brutally honest. There should be more men like you. Thanks for the smile. :-)
I arrest my case, Mannon, women want you as a guyspeak panelist, and by the posts after your comments - bad!
But I think I am about to have you figured out, though. I think you are raising an army of devoted (albeit swooned) women, much like the Pied Piper with a better ending, playing into our basic desire for a John Connor protector with a heart of gold, knowing full well that at some point we will either be short on estrogen or PMS-ing, and then hand us a gun and time warp the whole freaking lot of us to kick some robot ass.
Am I right?
I loved your comment here. It was very sweet. Thats kinda how my boyfriend described it when he was telling me when he first realized he loved me. :)
OK, I think I remember a previous comment about humor going awry...
There were several comments posted that have now been removed which makes my pitiful stab at humor appear quite lame, so please just ignore me and move on.
I was wondering where the comments disappeared to... they didn't strike me as being offensive enough to moderate.. :|
I did read yours yesterday though, and I've got to say that as far as revolutionary plans go, raising an army of pre-menstrual amazons? That's one I'm totally stealing!
Love the tag "I can't make you love me..." was just listening to that song earlier today. I can't imagine saying 'I love you' and not hearing it back, that whole unrequited thing just isn't my bag.
I agree. Fifteen months is more than ample time for a guy to decide how he feels about you. Only you can decide what to do next, of course, but I wouldn't hold out hope of him coming around if it were me.
I love the word, "bupkus." :-)
OR...waiting around might get you that compli-diss adoration of "yes, I LOVE you, but I'm not IN love with you"....ouch.
Oh God, I've heard that one before! It's the most heinous thing someone can ever say to their bf/gf, unless its followed by, "...But I WOULD love you more if you would do A, B, and C." That calls for castration. (jk)
Caitlin-- You asked 3 times and it is a question there is no answer to. If you HAVE to give it an answer I would say ..If you are dating someone and are exclusive then you should know by 6 months. I mean use logic here. You could know someone for years and never be IN love with them and then all of a sudden you get closer and you are both in the same place in your life and you realize you love them in a romantic way. I mean love and relationships do not have clear answers. Most important you will know when he is in love with you based on his actions, words, how much time he is willing to spend with you among other things.
This may come off a little harsh but if you see love as some sort of time limit then you dont realize what love is yet.
In answer to Caitlin's question, which seems to have completely disappeared...
If I'm in a relationship with a girl, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect to know whether I'm in love or not by about six months. Or to at least have an inkling. And by the time the 12 month point comes around, I'm very seriously asking myself whether I can see myself building a life with this girl. If that's not something I can see happening, I think it's unfair on both parties to continue in vain. Stringing somebody along beyond that point on a 'maybe one day' seems unnecessarily cruel.
In response to Alicia, I agree with your point as far as friendships becoming something more are concerned, but that's playing by a different set of rules entirely. I believe Caitlin was asking in regards to somebody you're already in a relationship with, in which case I don't believe in waiting indefinitely for the other person to make up their mind.
Ok, curiosity question - Assuming there are guys out there who are not looking for the long term "rest of your life" kind of committment, will some stay in a long term relationship just for the sake of being in the relationship or will they always move on?
I'm certain many would stay. Lets face it, it can be much easier to to do nothing than to move on, especially when by doing nothing you avoid confrontation. Still, I think if you're not looking to build a future with your partner, you owe them the honesty of telling them as much.
I'm all for honesty, maybe even to a fault, but I find it quite sad that they would choose a dead-end relationship in order to circumvent confrontation when they have so much more life to live.
If he truly thinks he'll love you later, then he already does. I mean, you don't have a spoonful of ice cream and say "I don't like it, but I'm sure I will in three months." I know, emotions are more complicated than that, but the point is that if he doesn't love you now, he doesn't love you. Period. You cannot live your life according to hypothetical "what ifs" that, if they were to happen, would have happened by now.
ii really feel like the man should speak on the whole LOVE word first ii mean thats just fair. ii mean ii know they need to know how you feel but come on ladies be real.