While it's unreasonable to think married folks will never ever have crushes outside their sacred union, acting on them is a big-ass-no-no.
When does a crush turn from innocent to guilty? That is a demarcation every couple has to determine for themselves. Some women can't tolerate knowing that their man finds the Williams sisters sexy. Other women could care less if their man compliments her friend's butt shape in a pair of capris.
From what you're telling me, your man HAS decided his crush has crossed the line; not that he is sneaking into motels with this woman, but in that he deliberately and purposefully conceals their pics and text swaps. He feels this is an emotional betrayal to you; sinister, as you put it.
Now it's up to you, and there by both of you, to figure out what happens next. Have THE conversation. Does he need to tell you something you don't want to hear, but need to know? Or, maybe it's as simple as reminding him that the needs and feelings of those in this marriage come first, that his behavior is hurtful and troubling.
We know he's able to communicate with this woman, now let's see how he communicates with you.
yep, what he said. people that dont have anything to hide, dont hide anything. and take it from a woman who has been there, he knows what you see, and he knows how seemingly innocent it looks, which provides a baseline trust that makes it easier to hide other stuff. like pictures and jokes. see? it's out in the open? perfectly innocent, right? if he is already in open denial to you AND is hiding something from you, all you've done is send him a warning bell to get better at it. my hunch is if he's denied it once he will deny it again, but ask him questions that require very detailed answers (details are harder to make up as you go along) and if he can't give them to you, or goes into the "whats with all the questions" my guess is something's up. again, people that dont have anything to hide, don't hide anything. he won't have a problem answering you if his answers are easy to remember, cuz they're the truth. but he WILL and he will make a big stink about it, if he needs to spin a yarn.
Yeeeaah, you better get him to cut that shit out. Real quick.
Ouch…, it sucks cause usually your gut is right on these things.
You mentioned rumors…, who said what about it?!? Reliable sources & someone with an ax to grind?
There's a lot to be said for guilt. If he didn't feel guilty he'd have nothing to hide. I'd keep an eye on him.
FG - Great advice.
He's already broken your trust by the fact that you're asking the question... Being honest with yourself, will you be able to trust him 100% after this? Similar happen to me and I realized after much soul searching that I was not able to trust him ever again and that I personally would be forever obsessing about who he was talking to, flirting with, or for all I know sleeping with. That was something I could not live with, that constant sick feeling in my gut. I knew he was doing something, called him out - he said it was just a date. Sure... just an innocent date at a very expensive restaurant and drinks afterward... In the end I was naive/trusting and found out after the fact he was hiding things from me, I just chose not to listen to my instincts. Big mistake... I do wish you the nest in working through this...
It's the rumors that I would be most worried about, moreso than the texts. There's and old saying, "When there's smoke, there's fire." And it sounds like there's a good bit of smoke clouding up here.
If there are rumors swirling around, and you used an "s", implying that there are multiple people saying it, then I would be very, VERY wary. I would almost be willing to bet that something shady is going on between the two of them... Best of luck, and remember to always trust your instincts.