Interesting word choice there: shared. Like we all cook up farts just to entertain or punish the people around us. He does realize that having gas is sort of an involuntary thing, right? Gas happens (much like its cousin, shit). We can hold it in for a while, but, as you probably know by now, that's a drag.
When I was dating my wife and things started getting serious, my parents took us out for dinner so they could meet her. We had this big, rich meal: soup, salad, appetizers, steak, lobster, coffee and dessert. Needless to say, by the time I was driving her home later, my ass was about to explode. But we hadn't crossed into the free-farting phase of dating yet, and I could tell that this was absolutely not the time to start.
When we finally got to her place, I asked her to stay in the car so I could come around and open her door -- not because I'm such a gentleman, but so I could let one rip and give my poor butt some relief, which I did -- with a vengeance. Then I waited a sec or two until the smoke cleared and opened her door.
But the smoke hadn't cleared. The smell lingered and was, as my grandma used to say, just mean and hateful, like it wanted to hurt somebody. It shocked even me. But there was no ignoring it, so I chose the "acknowledge and misdirect" tactic.
"Good god, what is that awful smell?" I said. "You smell it?"
"Yeah," she said. "That's pretty bad."
"I think it's a dead animal," I said, then -- so smooth -- I starting looking around and even got down on my knees to check under the car for the fictitious rotting carcass. Nothing there. Imagine that.
"Hmm," I said, feigning befuddlement. "Must be in those bushes. Let's get out of here." Crisis averted.
We'd been married a good ten years when I brought up the incident. She remembered it clearly.
"I have a confession," I said. "There was no dead animal. It was a fart. A foul, horrible fart."
She just smiled. "Yeah, I know." She'd played along the whole time, bless her heart, sparing her poor husband the embarrassment.
The point? Gas just isn't that big a deal; that is, unless we make a big stink (heh) of it. So it smells bad. Breathe through your mouth for a minute, Percy Nickety.
You're right: it's crazy to have to suppress your flatulence in front of your hubby. This man has had his penis inside you. He's seen you give birth. You've seen him vomit and probably washed his racing-striped underwear. Even the ripest flatus is but a trifle compared to any of that.
You're both adults with normal bodily functions that should have no shame attached to them. Open, joyful farting is one of the true joys of being loved unconditionally. He can leave the room if you're at home, and he can open a window if you're in the car. It's not like you're giving him a dutch oven, although you really should for all the inconvenience he's caused you.
Good luck -- and happy wind-breaking.
(Now pull my finger and check out what my fellow Guyspeaker Michael Swaim has to say about the subject.)
"The smell lingered and was, as my grandma used to say, just mean and hateful, like it wanted to hurt somebody." HA HA HA! I think I would have liked your grandma. =D
Excellent answer. Right on target.
Oh you poor girl! I mean, unless he gets physically sick from it, sounds like the dude needs to find the fun in flatulence.
Thanks, Miss Daisy. Now let me drive you to the store.
"Open, joyful farting is one of the true joys of being loved unconditionally."
Truer words were never spoken.
When I was much younger, I never thought farting was funny. Then I lightened the f*&k up. Now I think if you DON'T think farting is funny, something is wrong with you. I sincerely hope this gal can get her husband to realize this...
(My favorites are the ones that wake us up. Giggling in bed at 4:30 am over a fresh one. Hehe.)
"Even the ripest flatus is but a trifle compared to any of that."
Outstanding prose there, Cary. I dub thee Shakespeare McNeal.
As a famous ya-ya once said: "If you know anything funnier than pooting I wish you'd tell me."
(I think the word "poot" is pretty dang funny.)
Hello SBD Wife here. I just wanted to let you know I'm not above blaming the dog but recently my boy has been shouting "you did it" whenever I think I'm being sneaky!
Cary, your GuySpeak answers make my day. How else would I know that I can joyfully fart in front of men? Whew. Now I won't explode and I'll hopefully get a high five! Or, at the very least, a slap on the offending territory. :)
Melissa, it's not even so much that it's funny -- although it is -- but just not having to hide it from the person who sees you naked every day.
CC - I too love the word poot, and wish I had used it here. I always forget about it.
Thanks, ladies. Now you know my dirty little secret. Well -- one of them.
All right. The Piggly Wiggly. Then home and nowhere else.... I like to go under the speed limit....The slower you go, the more you save on gas. =D
" just mean and hateful, like it wanted to hurt somebody" ~ Another reason why I wish I had grandparents. That's the best!
Growing up, we weren't allowed to fart in front of my Dad or company. We had to leave the room to take care of that sort of business. Because of that, it is in my instinct to go to the other room.
However I do find all things fart related (just gotta watch out for them chasers) hilarious and the Hubby is good to keep 'em coming.
Believe it or not, I do try to be lady-like and not rip 'em in front of my husband -- or anyone else. However, I'm human, and occasionally something might slip out. What can I say? I like spicy food and laughing, and that's sometimes a vicious combination.
My husband tries to be polite too, but with somewhat less success. When I hear him cut one in the next room I always call out, "Somebody step on a duck?" and vice versa. Why be uptight? It's just a little gas!
Oh my god. I laughed so hard I had tears coming out! Ahahahah!
I heard Jim fart when we first started dating. I lived in a very small apartment and he used the bathroom, but the dude did not bother to turn on the fan! I could hear everything. I was laughing so hard. When he came out I had to get a serious face going, otherwise he would have known I heard the whole thing.
Of course later I tell him all this and his reaction: Oh I know you could hear. I didn't care. Ahahahah!
Tears are streaming down my face, that was so funny. It is rare I actually LOL at something in the literal sense. God I needed that!
Just be grateful that you are all still young enough that a fart is just a fart, and not an unexpeted surprise that sends you running to the nearest bathroom for a full change of undergarments.
Wow, I have to say this is my favorite Q&A I have read on this site so far. Soooooo funny! And true, it *IS* funny and we should lighten up about it.
I, personally, like to avoid making a stink (hey, who doesn't?), so I will avoid certain things pre-weekend date (broccoli makes for smelly farts...). If I feel like I might be getting gas, then I will try and use the restroom to let it out there instead of at the dinner table or wherever... or will go into another room or "get a glass of water" if at someone's house etc. Sometimes, however, there's no way to avoid it... (like being trapped in a car for several hours), in that case, best to say excuse me, or say nothing... but please open the window! :-D
Carey your story was halarious!!!!
My husband and I hadn't been together very long and it was during the high peak of our sexual moment he lets one rip. (I don't think he was expecting it as much as I wasn't) I didn't know what to say then he starts giggling and then he says "Da#n! that was good, turbo must have kicked in" I just start fallin out laughing. I really didn't know if he was talking about the fart or the sex.
I know he had to have been a little embarrassed. But it was halarious.
Sorry bout the misspelling Cary
Totally hilarious and true!!!! My bf and I have been together for 6 months now and at first I was really embarrassed about it. (It really doesn't help that I'm a naturally gassy person to begin with). Around the time we were getting really comfortable with each other and started having sex, I finally let one out in front of him, and he actually yelled at me for being embarrassed because it was just the two of us and there is no need to be embarrassed in front of him. Now for farts and belches alike he'll compliment me on a good one and if I apologize he says "one of us should be good at them, might as well be you". His easygoing personality has just made me love him even more.
ok, I think its rude to do it ifo people but if one accidently slips out it shouldn't be a big deal. If you're doing it on purpose or just because your too lazy to hold it in until you can get to another room, you have no class.
Cary, you are soooooooooooooo funny. I can't stop laughing..." mean and hateful"...
"Interesting word choice there: shared. Like we all cook up farts just to entertain or punish the people around us."
Yeah, just a guess here Cary, but you didn't have any older brothers did you?