I'm not sure how you get him to want to have sex again, since I'm pretty sure he's having sex somewhere. Not to be the bearer of bad news, non-diplomatically, but I find it REALLY hard to believe that a man who was (I'm assuming) sexually active for 4 years than all of a sudden just doesn't want to have sex anymore isn't getting some somewhere.
What happened? Did his johnson stop working one day? Look, DO NOT BELIEVE him when he says he just doesn't want it. Straight up, he is lying. Unless you two are having major relationship issues - which it appears isn't the case - the only reason a man who's been getting some on the regular would just go cold turkey with you is if he's got some side piece somewhere "making him feel like a man."
You can't make a man want to have sex with you BECAUSE IT'S OUR DEFAULT DESIRE. The only way we go is down. We stop at some point and usually don't want to do it again. The fact that he is affectionate and you all have a good time isn't lost on me. Either he's a good actor or because he's getting what he wants elsewhere, he's able to compartmentalize each relationship and give you the "quality time" and her the milkbone.
The fact that you have to even have a discussion about having sex - once again, without relationship drama - is indicative that despite the good times, somethings wrong and you need to get to the bottom of it. Because he might be your boyfriend in title but not action. I know it sounds harsh, but I'd ask him if he was cheating on you and watch his body language.
And at the end of the day, what are you willing to live with? How long are you willing to wait for him to need sex again? Men and women both have needs, especially a long-term relationship like you two have.
Basically, there aren't enough batteries in the world to sustain you.
It was written.
100% correct :(.. I would say the lack of sex is the death rattle for this relationship. I remember a few years back, I stopped having sex with my guy... Simply because I just didn't feel it...We were still together, and no I didn't cheat on him.. But it was just over for me.. Don't fly off the handle and outright accuse him of cheating because not everyone is like that (even men, I actually believe there are guys out there who aren't total scum bags and actually care about the person). Sexless = something really wrong...
Amen. I was with a guy for two years, and in the third year, just zip. He wasn't cheating, just said he found it hard to be attracted to me any more, and would rather avoid all the drama that us not having sex caused and go have a wank... BAAAD for the self esteem.
Get out if it doesn't get better!
While what Panama said might be true, I'd like to offer up a different opinion. My girlfriend and her hubby went nearly two years without sex. Same scenario - he loved her & everything else was fine, but he had absolutely no desire for sex. Turns out he had a pituitary tumor that produced a hormone that "ate up" his testosterone. Once he received treatment for the tumor and his testoterone levels went back to normal levels, his sexual desire returned, too.
So maybe you could encourage him to get a check up, if he's willing, before you go through the "are you cheating" heartbreak and kick him to the curb.
I have to agree 100% with Panama on this one. Males are wired differently then us ladies and there is NO WAY he just doesn't want sex. 5 years is a long time and he is attached. It seems he found a lady ( or several over the past year) on the side to satisfy his sexual desires and he stays with you bc of the familiarity, closeness, shoulder to lean on, and after 5 years your relationship is his way of life. Even if he enjoys the sex on his side I could totally see him staying with you bc he knows it works and is not ready to start over .... I think it is def time to have an in depth conversation and bring up some of my points bc even if you want to rationalize the sitation ... what we think is happening ... is ALWAYS happening. I am sorry girl but the only other way for this to end is him ending the relationship when he finds someone he clicks with and is excited to start over or when he gains enough self-esteem to just end it. A lot of men stay in long term relationships bc its safe its easy and its a partner for everything you do. Sorry girl 5 years is a long time. Ive been through it but you need to feel sexy and beautiful ALL the time and the man your with should be bugging you for sex and you should be saying no im tired ! hahahah
Maybe it's for religious reasons that he hasn't disclosed?
Is he on some kind of medication? Sometimes anti-anxiety and anti-depressants do a number on your sex drive. I was on Zoloft a number of years ago, and not only did I feel no desire for my boyfriend at the time, but I felt kind of numbed out. He went a little crazy and accused me of cheating, but I wasn't cheating at all.
Maybe he is cheating on you. Maybe not. It could be a health issue, as several other people have pointed out. Or maybe he's just a really good liar.
Here's another option, and I'm surprised no has offered it:
Maybe he's in the closet, and he's in denial.
It happens.
I also have a girlfriend with this exact problem:no sex long term relationship. I honestly don't know how she puts up with it - her self esteem has really suffered! Without sex and attraction isn't it just a friendship?
Knowing her boyfriend I would be very suprised if he was cheating on her, so I don't necessarily agree with Panama's answer. On the other hand I cannot fathom why he wouldn't want to have sex. The only things I can think of are: a) he smokes alot of drugs b) he is not attracted to my friend or c) he is gay or d) a combination of the above.
Either way when your boyfriend doesn't want to have sex with you, I can imagine it would be heartbreaking. I bet you could find plenty of people who would want to sleep with you - everyone deserves to have a fulfilling relationship (except the really bad people..like sex offenders and Chris Brown) You really gotta ask yourself, despite all that history you have, can you really spend the rest of your life in a sexless relationship? Sometimes being in love just isn't enough...
If he is getting his sexual appetite met elsewhere, how could he live his life normally (sans sex) with his girlfriend? She didn't mention any suspicious behavior. Don't cheaters usually have SOME guilt that surfaces? A year is a long time to keep that under wraps.
I don't know...I'd like to think that it's a medical thing. Cheating is so cruel and disgusting.
ok panama I hate to date myself but I can tell you that some men do lose sexual desire for alot of reasons. especially older fellows. or we might not have a viagra explosion going on. There are medical reasons that can cause a drop in sexual desire and there are mental reasons of stress factors can effect performance. I would NOT jump to the conculsion that he is having outside sex. There are tons of info on line and in books about this and lowered libido. So to casually say he is gettng it somewhere to me makes you sound like a young punk who needs to learn about about your own body as it ages.
first of all i know you have a lot of thoughts running through your mind, but deep down inside you know the truth, believe it or not your very first thought is the true, he is having sex somewhere else, and he might also be in another relationship, he just dnt know how to end you guys relationship, my advice to you is to make it easy for him and end it and stop hurting yourself, you are not the problem, nothing is wrong with you, you are good enough. he is just to blind to see it....
i am having the same problem i to ask for it and then remind him and then when i try he has an excuse why he cant and it sucks i feel so ugly and im kinky and good looking i just dont know what to do anymore i guess it doesnt matter because he wont notice anyways idk my advise is if u can just leave it might surprize you how easy it was