It's time for you to reclaim sex. You are not a vessel for others to have sex with. You yourself are there to participate in all its ups and downs. What is clear from your language is that you are consumed with worry. The stress alone can be what's keeping you from having an orgasm. In other words, you're so wrapped up with making sure he is having a good time that you've ostensibly cut yourself out of the equation. It's like a mental force field barricading you from the possibility of enjoying sex. What's more, the fake orgasming probably makes you feel like hell on the inside. It's literally Performance Anxiety.
The fear of being a cold fish? Just another layer on your fear cake. Stress, worry, and anxiety are sex killers. It crushes everything in its path: orgasms, erections, vaginal moistness and the rest.
The good news is you have a proven track record of orgasming: from oral and fingers. This is probably because the stakes seem lower during these 'sessions' - expectations are lower, you're all together more relaxed and composed. This may mean you should reconsider if you're ready to have sex, with him or others. If you determine that you are, I'd bet your vagina that with some growing confidence and internal reminders to get out of your head and into the moment, you'll be orgasming in no time.
Funny Guy
Me too.... :(
everything you said was right.
but let's not forget, some women also are not able to achieve climax strictly by penetration.
As someone who has never had an orgasm with a guy, PERIOD--I have a hard time feeling sorry for those of you who can still have them from oral or fingering. Just throwin' that out there--point being, it could be worse.
I'm sorry, just saying "it could always be worse" doesn't mean you should just accept your own reality. You just like this girl are not aliens, or weird. Both of you can achieve orgasm, you just need to work at it. Try different things.
Just because someone else has it worse, doesn't mean you can't work out your own problems. People are hungry in Africa, doesn't mean when I go out to a restaurant I have to put up with a bad steak. I know this example seems crass, it's not the point. Just, we have to try and make things better.
Speaking from experience, just because it's possible to know what could work for you, does not in anyway mean a person is privy to that orgasm so regularly or even at all. Just because i'm aware of what works doesn't mean I know the details or am able to give directions on how to do it best. So, i'm still in the dark regardless.
The asker isn't asking for pity, she's actually trying to do her part to figure out her sexuality. Nothing wrong with that.
I don't know where you got pity from what I said. I merely wanted to say (maybe not as eloquent as I would have liked) that she is not an anomaly! I fake all the time, literally all the time... but because we are all different talking about it, trying etc is a way of working out how our own bodies work and what we want.
I could get orgasm from oral, but as soon as he was doing his thing, I was bored and had to fake it (for ex)... I would spend my time trying to make it sooooo fun for him, that I basically ignored what I wanted. It took time and effort to realise that I'm worth having fun too.
Pity... pity no way.
Oh, sorry! I can see how that looked like that I was responding to the same person you were responding to. I actually liked your answer and agree.
Its really nice for me to read this because I have similar a similar problem and it's nice to know i'm not the only one. I don't fake it, but it's still hard when the guy you're hooking up with asks "Are you going to finish" or "Did you **** yet?" constantly. And when they ARE doing what i know will work, they stop because they get impatient and tired. it makes me so self-conscious. it'd be easier with someone I'd be dating but what if you aren't dating them? then it's basically not allowed to discuss the sex life because that goes into relationship territory. So what then? Any one have anything thoughts on that, i'd appreciate opinions!
I can totally relate. I now go to see a psychiatrist, and even though many may say its baloney, I feel it was needed. We all tent to over - think, over - stress, over - intellectualize everything. My pycho told me to "think of myself". So over one summer I did just that. You should look after yourself and learn to love yourself, then you can share that with another person.
Chill out. :-) Be happy. Wait. Talk it out. It will happen. :-)
My guess here is that it may NOT be all in your head. If when you say "fingers" you mean he used his hands to stimulate the clitoris, and not that he actually fingered you, it's possible that you have only had clitoral orgasms. At least that's what it seems like. An orgasm during intercourse usually comes from the G-spot inside you. It's a lot harder for many women to achieve a G-spot orgasm.
I would agree with Funny Guy though, first try changing your frame of mind. Try different angles of penetration and hope to hit the G-spot, and also have him (or you) touch your clitoris during sex. It will be much better for you.
Just some scientific facts that you can look up on line if you'd like. Only 20% of women can have an orgasm from penetration alone, most women need some form of clitoral stimuoation and it takes a woman on average 20 mins for arousal and stimulation to achieve orgasm.
If your guy doesn't warm you up, give you enough foreplay or can't last long enough those are some other areas to work on too. It is not just all in your head. Just relax and have fun.
And there another factor I'm surprised no one's mentioned.
By faking it you're giving him false feedback.
Yep, for me too the stress and self-consciousness make it hard for me too "loosen up" and just enjoy and climax.
I've realized that after a glass of wine or two, I'm very much more aroused!